***Note: This is not a sports blog, but I like sports, and I like shit-talking***
I don’t think it’s a secret that I am a Denver Broncos fan. If you’re my friend on Facebook you probably know that. That being said, I am NOT a bandwagon jumper-macgumper. I’ve been a fan of the Broncos since Tim Tebow took a snap for the franchise (despite his lack of ability to throw the ball) and since my buddy Yanze wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Champ Bailey in high school of 0’7.
So of course my friends like to give me a lot of shit (!!!) for this. One of my best friends, Juno, is a Patriots fan. He’s from New Hampshire so of course he’s gonna root for Brady and company. What makes this situation worst is that his girlfriend, Xtina, is a San Diego Chargers fan . . . this power couple are fans of two teams that are in the AFC . . . meaning that whenever the Broncos play one of these two teams, there is going to be a lot of shit-talking.
This isn’t one of those behind closed doors kinda shit talking, this is I’ll-fucking-text-you-when-your-team-fuck-up-and-I’ll-post-some-kinda-rediculous-shit-on-your-Facebook-wall-and-tag-you kinda shit talking. When the Patriots were victorious with a come from behind victory against the Broncos this season, I received a text from Juno and (real) his brother to suck a phallic. In fact, I still have a bet that needs to be fulfilled with Juno that dealt with the disappointing outcome the last time Tebow took a snap behind center while facing Brady. (Shh, it’s a secret but it involves alcohol and Vegas. And no I’m not going to suck any phallic.)
Here is the comment that started it all, the Facebook-shit-talking-seen-around-the-world (of my News Feed) from Mizz. Sweet Xtina herself.
***Note: SDF is an inside joke that I drunkenly created and now has been a catch phrase amongst my friends and I. It stands for Suck Dick ******
I’m not one to start shit (maybe, kinda, sometimes, just maybe sometimes), but like a kid in kindergarten defending himself and his retaliation from a timeout, she started it first!
Yes, yes, yes, I know that during this season, the Broncos lost to the Chargers and the Patriots . . . but look whose still in playoffs, nay, looks who’s playing for the FUCKING SUPERBOWL!!!
As I learned from a very wise man this past weekend: never talk shit because you never know when it’s going to come back and bite you in the ass. (Yet I still have not fully grasped this lesson. But hey, I’m still maturing!)
So after a taunting like that from Mizz. Xtina, I had to say something. At least a little boast of victory.
Yes, I’ve made my case and demanded my righteous victory Facebook post. But this is where things get a little derailed from football and into something completely different, something gross and outrageous and hairy, something so, I don’t know how to say it . . . ahh, something so Airec Syprasert: a comment too far.
This conversation has now turned it focus from Manning and his flawless team and onto my crouch. And yes, for some of y’all who don’t know, it’s hairy. Unlike those sleek and hairless Asians you see on TV or kung-fu movies, I’m one hairy bastard. God has cursed me with the tedious task of shaving my pubic regions every so often. I know that this is probably gross information because those of you who are reading might know me in person, or you might not even know me at all, but this is the truth of the matter: I am one hairy Asian-American male. Fucking sue me for not meeting the zeitgeist of how Asians should look like.
But anyways, like I’ve said numerous times beofre, Snapchat (an app for smart phones where you take a picture and send it to someone and it deletes itself after 5 seconds, great for sending nudies. Also, girls, you’re stupid if you send a nude Snapchat thinking he’s not gonna save it or that he’s the only eyes that are gonna see. I mean, seriously.) is stupid. I fucking, let me reiterate this, I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN I SEE PEOPLE TAKING STUPID SNAPCHAT PICTURES. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE A FOOL WHEN YOU MAKE THOSE FACES AROUND CAMPUS OR ON THE MUNI OR IN A CROWDED ROOM AT A PARTY OR ANY-FUCKING-WHERE-IN-GENERAL. Yes, I know I’m hating, but I just hate it so much.
So me being me, I decided to send my friends a Snapchat of my balls from my friend Tim’s iPhone the night before when I was witnessing this stupid act occur. Let me just say, they can wash their eyes, but their brains will never be clean again as my balls are imprinted into their memory. And no, I don’t feel sorry for their eyes. Maybe Lance’s eyes, his Snapchat back showed a very scared black man. I never thought tiny little Asian me would scare a big African-American him. #firstvictory
Is there a point to this post besides my infatuation with sending people pictures of my balls? Yes, don’t talk shit on Facebook because you never know when what you posted (its online so it’s always gonna be alive somewhere) is gonna come back and bite you in the ass. If you’re gonna talk shit, do it in person. This way, you can tell your friend to suck dick, or kiss your ass, or go hop on a wooden stake and die, or whatever you want to say while doing some obscure gestures. I know that’s what I do. Like how Stifler does in the American Pie series (my fictional hero).
Also another lesson, nay a warning, if you get into a conversation with me, the end comment or topic is probably not going to be what you started with; I mean, how do you go from football to hairy Asians . . . just one of pro’s (depending on how you look at it and depending if I’ve shaven or trimmed yet or not) of an Airec Syprasert comment.
Till next time, Sype.
PS. Go Broncos and FWAK the Seahawks!!!
PSS. Here is a funny Buzzfeed article about why the Broncos should be the least hated team in the NFL