Ah yes, it’s that time again, a time where couples ravish one another with elaborate gifts and post Facebook status singling single people out, once again reminding them of their lonesome partner-less life. It’s mother fugging Valentines Day!
A little history lesson (after browsing Wikipedia): Valentine’s Day is also known as Saint Valentine’s Day, named after the saint (you probably guessed it) Valentine. And who is St. Valentine? He was a saint back in the day who was imprisoned by the Roman Empire because he preformed weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry.
Anyways, blah blah blah, wrote a letter to the daughter of his jailer before his execution and signed it with “Your Valentine,” blah blah blah. Christian churches also celebrate his feat with the Feast of Saint Valentine, blah blah blah.
Yeah, that’s probably all the history lesson we need.
But here in America, Valentine’s Day is more of a commercial celebration instead of a religious stature. Like I said, on V-Day (I know, it sounds like a horrible STD, ironic right) singles are reminded of their singleness (Valentine’s Day AKA Singles Appreciation Day), and couples try to outdo one another; framing their courtship via social media.
Lets say it’s V-Day morning and you decide to wake up and browse your news feed and lo and behold, your news feed is dominated with couples doing couply things, pictures bragging their love and valentine gifts are in your fucking face telling you they have someone and you don’t. But you can’t be mad at them, it’s not their fault that they’re annoying the love out of you . . . oh wait, no, it is their fucking fault!
Elite Daily has some examples of these habits you’re doomed to encounter on social media:
Check out their three examples of people you will see on V-day, its pretty spot on.
Social media is not the only place where you will encounter Valentine’s Day frustrations. Once you step out of your dark and lonely room and into the love tainted world of Feb. 14, you will run into couples, lovey dovey couples, everything is painted fucking pink and red with false shaped hearts every-fucking-where, alongside the war-zone of cupids’ arrow. And prepare for the worst when approaching young love birds. At first, they will seem cute and warming. . . and then once their innocent love is tainted by lust and pornographic heathenism, you cannot help but avert your eyes!
Here is Guyism telling us 7 of the Worst Things about Couples:
I probably agree with number 4: PDA the most. Especially in enclosed environment, such as public transportation, is the fucking worst. Seriously, we’re on the bus and not a fucking rave, take your hands out of her pants and stop trying to eat your partners face. You don’t need to show me your “love” on the MUNI because it’s fucking disgusting. PUT YOUR TONGUE BACK INTO YOUR MOUTH AND SAVE IT FOR HOME!!! I don’t care if in the comfort of your own home you cats like to make out or practice the Australian Kiss (a kiss from down under), just not next to me on the bus. The SF MUNI is already vomitous and full of diseases; I don’t need to worry about catching anything else.
Well, all of that said, we single people are not the beez-knezz either. Yea yea, we are reminded that we’re single and (imagine me saying this in a hippy-hipster voice) “Valentine’s Day is a lame consumerist holiday made up by the card companies” blah blah blah . . . but we can’t help but feel left out in all of cupids’ magic: so we hate.
Here are some people who felt left out of the magic and tried to make up for it (and probably some of these are parodies):
Or, you could be one of those people who’s actually in a relationship but actually wanna break up with your partner because you hate Valentine’s Day – or you secretly hate them – but you’re too pussy to break up with them so you just ride it out. . . I guess you can take some helpful hints from Jimmy Tatro on how to instead of breaking up with your partner, you can annoy them in breaking up with you:
Seriously, watch this video. Fucking. Brotastic.
But V-day is really a day to celebrate love with your partner. I mean sure, you can rebut that you don’t need a day to show your love, but fuck it, you don’t need a day to give presents but you have Christmas; you don’t need a day to get super drunk while your friends try to kill you with free alcohol but you have birthdays; you don’t need a day to randomly drunkenly kiss a stranger but we have New Years; you don’t need a. . . I’ll probably just stop here.
Oh, here’s a tip guys: If your girl, or whatever she is, says to you that she doesn’t wanna do anything for Valentine’s Day then she’s a FUGGING liar. She’s just saying that so the words Valentine’s Day is in your head. Just do something, if anything something small. Shit, get her a Happy Meal. Just something.
Death Cab for Cutie will explain my emo feelings for this day:
My friend Juno posted something on my Facebook wall with the caption of #ForeverAlone to remind me of my Valentine’s Day defeat.
And yes, he has a girlfriend, and yes, he is a douchebag.
But the link he posted up was a Facebook study stating that San Francisco is the worst place to try and obtain a relationship. Hmm wait, I currently live in San Francisco . . . shit.
Oh well, you can’t depend on Facebook for everything. But I can try and beat the odds. I guess if I wanna get into a “relationship,” according to Facebook, I’m either gonna have to move to Colorado or somehow con a woman in getting into a relationship with me and passing the benchmark of three months. Seems easy enough.
Personally I like Valentine’s Day and would love to ravish some girl with my courtship n’ all-up-in-that. But sadly I’m single and do not have anyone to give my seed **cough** I mean my gifts, to. I guess I could do what I did last year and take a friend out on a Valentine’s Day date and throw money around just say I did something . . . or I can gather a group of single people my age and say FUCK IT and go to a rave. . . I think I’m gonna do the latter (:P)
-Till next time and hopefully you wrap your tool and not get an STD this V-Day, Sype.
-PS, here are some funny anti-Valentine’s Day gifts from Buzzfeed: