Now that the Oscar hangover is said for and done, it’s time to really look back at the 86th Academy Awards. Oh wait, I didn’t watch it.
It’s not that I think the Oscars is stupid, or useless, nor do I believe it represents every single Americans view of “Best Picture.” I know when I think of kick-ass movies that are superbly badass none of the Oscar nominees are on my list. To be honest here, I had always thought that the Oscars and Academy Awards were two different award shows . . . I guess it goes to show how much I pay attention to this kinda stuff . . . like high fashion, pff.
Well shit, it’s not like they have any of my favorite movies on the nominated list. I mean, was American Pie (1-Reunion) or Friday Night Lights or Warrior nominated. Even in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences –or the AMPAS for short, the people who oversees and runs the Oscars- attempts to include more of the vast movie consumers of America by adding different nominated categories, the AMPAS failed to include such animated films like Evangelion 1.11-3.33. For those of you who don’t know, Evangelion is an anime about giant robots killing giant aliens. Kind of like what Pacific Rim is about, actually it is entirely what Pacific Rim is about. But the anime came first. And Pacific Rim is a badass movie so I can’t complain. (Just as one more rant, I think Paul Rudd or Sean Williams Scott should win a fugging Oscar. Just saying.)
In short, I respect the Oscars, or the Academy Awards, or whatever you choose to name that golden phallic trophy, but I do not care for it. I know some people love it and even have viewing parties for it, but come on. It’s just a bunch of people talking about how grateful they are for winning an award for a movie and thanking everyone and their mammas. For Tim Tebows sake, it’s not like it’s the Superbowl or anything. Now that is something that you should give a shit for. Sports baby *kisses my bicep*
CollegeHumor posted a video of what the Oscars would look like if it was not ran by the AMPAS but instead by FratBros: The BrOscars. It’s fugging awesome. Watch it:
With award categories such as ‘Most Jacked’ and ‘Best Funny Ass Part’ (and many others), this is an award show that you should watch. Or rather (mainly) I would watch. All it’s missing is ‘Hottest Chick in a Movie’ and ‘Baddest Bitch.’ I can smell its greatness.
However, despite my lack of superior interest in the Oscars, also the fact that I did not watch the Oscars nor did I have time (would rather go to the gym or bars or read or masturbate or something), the internet did have some awesome things to say about it.
Mashable complied 20 Weirdest Things at the Oscars. Some of it is cool and some of it is alright I guess. It’s not as much as weird but more of ‘Celebrities Doing Stuff that Seems Cool!’ Jennifer Lawrence falling down was kind of funny though. And that whole selfie thing was just over-hyped. I don’t get why the internet was so jizzy over a bunch of celebs in a “selfie” picture. I think most selfies are overrated anyways . . . unless it contains a girl in yoga pants; then we have a different story.
Lawrence alone is a whole mess of weird, and dorky, and hot. I mean like really hot. But kinda crazy hot. Like if you broke up with her she will show up at your work place and tell all of your co-workers that you suck at sex and might stand outside of your window, kinda crazy hot. But in the end she’s still pretty fugging hot. Maybe it’s that ‘I’m a badass’ and ‘I do what I want’ kind of attitude that she has that skyrockets her level of hotness above others. I don’t know but I’m getting off track here. But we should look at what BuzzFeed has to say about her 19 Best Moments at the Oscars.
We can’t talk about this year’s Oscars without mentioning Leonardo DiCaprio. He is a 4 time loser of the Oscars. But should this lack of a phallic statue discredit him as a badass actor? Naw brah. Elitedaily has a funny (one of those funnies where you laugh at your friends when they get hurt or turned down at a party kind of funny) complication of DiCaprio’s face when he is told a familiar tale of losing, again. Hell, in this complication, you can see the field day that the internet had with memes of DiCaprios lost. Tough luck. Kind of how I felt when I was runner up for the Mr. Ranger competition in high school, almost was like homecoming king. You don’t even know man.
One funny thing that I did see on Facebook though was when 12 a Slave won best picture and my friend Joe’s comment: “Hey, sorry for slavery, take this Oscar as a token of our sympathy and gratitude for helping to build America.” I don’t know if this is true or if this can be proven, so I could only respond with something slightly racist: “#WhiteGuilt” And for those of you wondering, yes Joe is African-American.
So there you have it, the Oscars, just a bunch of celebrities and a select group of movie critics stroking each other off as they try to one up each other movies. Until movies like Hot Tube Time Machine or 300 gets nominated and thrown into that snub mix, I’m not gonna watch it . . . unless my future wife forces me to. I’m pretty easily whipped as my friend Juno knows.
Alright Bros, with festival season quickly approaching us, or here with EDC just a few hours away, we have to kick our asses in high gear and whip it in shape!
Let’s look at this, so you wanna get girls like her:
So you realize that you need to look like this:
However, you look like this 😦
But have no fear, here are some simple things that you can either do at the gym or around your house to get into that ripped, sweaty abs showing, buff-fist-pumping shape to get the “Bytches.”
First workout that I recommend is the pushup. Every bro out there loves chest, which is why every testosterone-pump-jockey hounds the bench. But you don’t need a bench to have a nice chest; all you need is the ground and your body.
The great thing about pushups is that it doesn’t only work out your…