Bros v. Pros: The Mens Guide to EDC While Trying Not To Be a Douchebag

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I know not really, but during festival season this becomes more and more true
I know not really, but during festival season this becomes more and more true

By: Sype.

With only just a few days till the Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas, I think it’s time for me to provide some BROs v. PROs tips from my six years of attendance (embarking on my 7th year down the rabbit hole this year). This will be a continuation of my partner, Koko’s, blog post, “Hoes vs Pros: An Empowering Women’s Guide to EDC 2014.” So make sure you check her post out as well, she has a bit more information for the ladies than I do.

Before I continue on with this long laundry list of BROs vs PROs do’s and don’ts, I would like to say a DISCLAIMER!: I am not an expert in any field, except for the field of disappointing my Asian parents (which is why I created the hashtag #sorryasianparents), so I would like you to read this with a grain of salt; especially the BRO tips, those are to be taken lightly. These are things that I’m doing and that have worked for me in the past. I don’t want you hurting yourself or others and be coming after ME for it. I don’t wanna get sued.

(Asian accent) One more ting, I want to emphasize on the element of friends: The people you surround yourself with at EDC can make or break your experience. Make sure you trust the right people and make sure your friends are there for you and you for them. I know from experience that sometimes in the lowest of lows, your best friend can become your biggest enemy. EDC has shown me some of my friends’ true colors and it has affected those bonds, so pick your friends wisely.

The final group picture of EDC 2013 as the sun was rising.
The final group picture of EDC 2013 as the sun was rising.

Now let’s begin.

BEFORE EDC

DIET/Exercise

im still not in the best shape now but im trying. And I cut out my friend Grumpy Cat from the picture haha.
im still not in the best shape now but im trying. And I cut out my friend Grumpy Cat from the picture haha.

Usually everyone, from the moment you buy your ticket and even from the moment you leave the speedway the final day of EDC 2013, you think about how for the next EDC you’re gonna be in better shape. And if you’re already in better shape, you want to be in even better shape.

BRO TIP: Alright bros, it’s almost time for EDC and you wanna be  swoll as fu*k. So how do you get there? It’s time to take some pre-workouts and magic diet pills where you can workout and eat as much as you want. Do a bunch of bicep workouts and chest flies, show them other betas and bitches that you’re a mutha effin Alpha at this rave. Suns out, guns out.

PRO TIP: Well, the best advice is to watch your diet. Sure you workout, but that only gives you a little leeway and doesn’t excuse you from eating whatever you want. You can chose to diet however you want, just make sure you listen to your body to avoid pushing your “weight loss” to harmful limits. Eat right and do a lot of cardio; trust me, your lungs will appreciate this.

REMEMBER: Supplements are there to help you, not build a magic body with no foundation. Supplements can help you obtain your goal of getting into better shape, but once you’re in Vegas and journeyed through the 3 days of EDC, workout supplements aren’t gonna be of much use. Your body is going to go through 3 days (even more days since you’re gonna be in Vegas for more than those 3 days of EDC) of partying, and a supplements-fueled body is going to be reduced to its basic form.

Also, I’ve been doing a lot of leg workouts to help me prepare for all the jumping that will occur. So DON’T SKIP LEG DAYS: lots of squats, calf raises, and of course body weight jump squats. You’ll never know when you’re gonna put that hottie that you’ve been eying all night on your shoulders for a ride so she can see her favorite DJs from a sky view.

lifting chicks up on the Golden Gate Bridge
lifting chicks up on the Golden Gate Bridge

Asides from diet and exercising, REST is really important. Your body cannot heal itself, nor lose the weight you desire unless you get rest. A good amount of rest is just as important as an E-stack.

Cpt. A and Tiny Ginger passed out at 6am in Vegas
Cpt. A and Tiny Ginger passed out at 6am in Vegas

Supplies/Attire: Stuff will get destroyed so be prepared to lose shit.

Life always favors the well prepared. I forgot who said that, or maybe that is just grinded into my brain because I’m Asian and we always like to plan things, iono.

BRO TIP: Tanks, sunglasses, dr*g, money, tickets, hoes. All. You. Need.

I mean, you can't fit all of these in your fanny-pack but you get the idea.
I mean, you can’t fit all of these in your fanny-pack but you get the idea.

PRO TIP: You don’t want to wear some flashy Nikes to EDC, you want to wear something that is comfortable to jump around in or something that you wouldn’t mind destroying. Trust me, after 3 days in the Speedway your going to want to throw those shoes out with all the dusk and holes (not to mention all the urine or other humanly fluids that you will have stepped on in the port-a-potty) that they will accumulated.

PRO TIP: You also can’t show off those awesome (or in my case awkward-standing-and-twitching) dance moves without the proper bottoms. Shorts are usually ideal for this kind of situation, especially in the heat of Vegas. Sometimes I would wear hipster jeans that I cut off at knee length (they show off my nice ass and hard calves baby). But make sure you chose the right kind of jeans. The first time I tried this I used Abercrombie jeans . . . horrible mistake. The ones that work for me are Levis jeans, they are a bit more elastic and comfortable. If you have a pair of raver pants, by all means wear ‘em if you can stand the heat.

PRO TIP: You shouldn’t care about how you dance, IT’S EDC and no one else is going to care. This is a judgment free zone where you can express freely through your own form of dance. Go ahead and let loose, have some fun; move your arms and jump around. You’ve waited a whole 365 days for this and you can’t let someone judgments weight you down! Be yourself and the fun will follow.

REMEMBER: Although EDC is the main reason why you’re in Vegas, it’s important to bring some “Vegas” clothes just in case you decide to hit up a club. It never hurts to look nice.

REMINDER: It’s also really important that you bring some comfortable clothes. That Vegas heat will kill you if you don’t prepare for it. Plus, you don’t want to be sweating balls I’m sure.

PRO TIP: The Fanny-Pack! I know that some people make fun of me for wearing a fanny-pack at raves, but come-on, they’re so useful. You can put stuff in it like cigarettes, maps, water-bottles, lighters, iono whatever, in it so you won’t feel discomfort while twitching around at EDC. Other useful fanny-pack items are Vicks, gum, and chapstick. Well, if you go to raves then I don’t really need to explain this one. You might have to sneak some of these stuff in so guys, I recommend clenching ’em between your balls. But make sure to wrap some kind of tissue paper around ’em so when you actually use these illicit items, they won’t be smelling the your ball-sweat. (Side Story: Juno and I during EDC 2009 snuck in Vicks vapor rub sticks and our entire group ended up partaking it’s menthol aura . . . so in a non-direct way, we kinda t-bagged our friends.)

PRO TIP: Extra supplies like cigs, chapstick, Vicks, candy, whatever, are great tools for making new friends. Offer some to those in need and a friend will be made in the exchange.

BRO TIP: Use em to get hoes!

PRO TIP: Avoid being selective to those in need and (when you can) avoid being a douchebag (I know I sometimes don’t think and fall to this trait.)

Snacks are important, especially if you’re broke or just don’t wanna leave your hotel room. Bring something easy to chew- y’all know this one, right? Another thing that I like to bring is a meal replacement shake or something like Ensure or Slim-fast. You don’t really have to listen to this one, but I recommend it. In those times of post-hungover-don’t-want-to-eat EDC moments, these shakes are easy to digest and has lots of protein, carbs, fiber, and calories that your body is desperately needing due to 12 hours of raging with alcohol and other party favors.

!!!IN EDC!!!

6 of 70, the first of us to enter in EDC 2013 Day 3
6 of 70, the first of us to enter in EDC 2013 Day 3

Scheduling

BRO TIP: Walk in with your bros after a hard pregame because shit aint cheap at EDC. Pregame your dome off and try to meet some cuties on the shuttle buses; get them digits. Then you walk in with your bros and find some hoes to grind on. F*ck the timesluts (timeslots)! LETS GET FU*KED UP!!!

PRO TIP: Solidify your schedule. I like to make sure I know who I’m seeing and who else wants to enjoy those DJs with me. When I go to EDC, it’s for the music and the experience, not to get laid. Well, I mean if I meet an awesome girl then I guess that’s a little extra. So I like to make sure I look at the time slots to make sure I know where I’m going and my friends know where I’m going to be.

PRO TIP: Since I don’t have a smart phone and just a flip-phone (this is because I’m poor and I’m spending all my money at raves), I like to text myself and my friends the car’s location. The parking lot of the Speedway is gridded so each section of the parking lot has a specific spot.

BRO TIP: Just get into EDC as fast as you can so you don’t miss anything. It doesn’t matter if you don’t remind yourself where your car is, just get in! If you do lose your car, just aimlessly wander around in the dark parking-lot. You’ll find the car . . . eventually.

PRO TIP: Make sure everyone in your car has each-others’ numbers and a specific time  and place of where to meet up. This happened to me last year when my phone died and my iTouch didn’t have my friend, Cpt. Ahab’s, number. This caused a lot of frustration. You can also write down important numbers and important (hotel) addresses on a card and keep it in your wallet. This also depends on you NOT LOSING SHIT!!!

PRO TIP: Have a meeting spot. If your festival group is as big as mine, about 70 people big #ZipperSquad, then you will need to have designated meet up times. Last year we usually did every 3 hours or so. This will help on group pictures. We all know that one person in the group, or in my group 5 unnamed girls, that loves to take group pictures all the time. This way you can help them complete this Xbox achievement now instead of hearing them nag about not being able to take a group picture later.

raving bring us together

PRO TIP: MAKE SURE YOU GUYS AGREE ON A MEET UP SPOT! Last year my group was suppose to meet up at the Zipper ride, but little did we know that there were TWO DIFFERENT ZIPPER RIDES! With the lack of telecommunications, a bunch of us kept appearing at different Zippers. Which then cause us to run around from one end of EDC to another. One of the negatives that this meet up situation is that the meet up could be during one of your favored DJ sets. You gotta pick and choose on what you want to do; I can’t choose for you.

Getting LOST!!!

BRO TIP: If you lose your friends then try and find a hoe. If you can’t find a hoe then FREAK THE F*CK OUT!!!

PRO TIP: Chances are you will lose people, or you yourself will get lost. So it’s important to keep track of your friends. I’ve seen some couples wearing chains made up of kandi before in the past. That’s a good idea . . . if you’re dating them! DO NOT engage in that kind of commitment (I know I hate commitment of any kind, ask the few girls I’ve tried dating) if you are not dating that person or not wanting to . . . how do I say this . . . have a magical evening with he/she. You can also hold hands with someone while traveling through crowds, but we all know bros don’t hold hands, it’s in our masculinity manual. I mean, I’m not homophobic but bros usually just don’t hold hands with bros . . . unless you’re a gay bro, then you can hold whatever you want. But I’ll hold your hand Lance (;P)

PRO TIP: If you do get lost, then I just enjoy it. Some of my most fun moments was when I got lost at EDC and wander abouts by myself. Try to enjoy the experience and don’t freak out. If you remember your meetup times then you should be safe. Also, try to make some new friends out of this. Mostly everyone at EDC is friendly and knows that (mostly) everyone is there to enjoy the magical wonderland of the Electric Daisy Carnival.

NEW FRWEND!!!!
NEW FRWEND!!!!

GIRLS!!!!! Why men do sh*t that they don’t want

GRIND BABY GRIND!!!
GRIND BABY GRIND!!!

BRO TIP: When looking for a mate, it’s easier to find the most fugged up one. If she’s trippin’ when shes a walkin’ then you best be stalking. Once you find that hot babe where you think her E and C needs your D to complete her set, then you just keep eying her, make sure she knows you’re staring at her. You can either try using one of these sweet pick-up lines from LessThan3 or follow my simple bro-oves. First, you slowly start pumping your fist towards her. As you get near her make sure she smells your man juice. After she notices your presence, take her from behind with a sneaky back-attack like the Alpha you are and start grinding on that ass. If she doesn’t like it then it’s not your fault, she’s probably a slut anyways. Repeat. Done.

PRO TIP: Despite my lack of knowledge with girls (most of the time I try to act as if girls don’t even like me), I know it’s not a good idea to knife a random girl from behind. I mean, yeah sure it has worked for me in the past, but not every girl likes to be grinded on with your cubby; as BuzzFeed explains to us why grinding can be unpleasant. Well, unless you look like Channing Tatum of course, then you can grind on whatever girl is willing. So I had to ask Koko for this part of the tips. She says that it is important to make sure the girl notices you first before sneaking up on her from behind, and that it’s best to converse with her before trying to ask for some bump & grind. She says that it’s even better to ask a girl to dance. Also remember guys, dancing with a girl does not mean any grinding has to be involved, you can still dance with a girl and not have your lusting semi rubbing all up against her.

PRO TIP: If a girl rejects your invitation to dance or hook up, make sure you respect her decision. It doesn’t make her a slut if she chooses not to participate in your lustful intention. However, if she does reject you for being, oh iono, Asian or having a flip-phone, then maybe (just a little bit) she might be a bitch.

And remember girls, not every guy who approach you is trying to get into your pants (maybe). Try to make a friend out of it. And if the guy is a creep then just tell him to leave. This blog article by Eberhardt Smith, titled “Stop Saying “I Have a Boyfriend”” offers some good advice in this field. If he continues to aggressively pursue or if he calls you names, then remember that you have about 100,000 friends who will help you out of the situation. A real gentleman will respect you for your body as well as your mind.

END OF THE DAY 

Leaving EDC

Rave Zombies . . . EVERYWHERE!!!!
Rave Zombies . . . EVERYWHERE!!!!

BRO TIP: GET THE F*CK OUT OF THERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN. F*CK EVERYONE ELSE AND SAVE YOURSELF FROM THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!

PRO TIP: Make sure you have all of your stuff before leaving. If you happen to lose something, walk over to lost & found to see if they have your stuff. Also, make sure your friends are with you.

PRO TIP: Make sure you refill your water bottles and use the bathroom before you leave, it’s going to be one long dreadful ride back to the hotel.

BRO TIP: If you need to pee, just go off the side of the road. F*ck the police.

Back at the Hotel

BRO TIP: Stop being such a p*ssy and drink up, snort up, and get ready to hit the pool parties. Since you didn’t eat anything and just danced for 12 hours straight, you’re gonna look hella ripped bro.

REMINDER: Girls always have a cheap ticket for pool parties, or free at times. Guys, you’re kinda f*cked on this one. Unless you know a promoter. But then again, EVERYONE is a promoter in Vegas. So try and get tickets in advance by searching for pool-parties online. Here is Global Dance Electronic list.

PRO TIP: After a solid night of raging it’s important to eat & rest. Even if you nap for 3 hours, it’s still more important than pounding a Red Bull and heading off to a pool party. I mean by all means attend a pool party, but make sure you’re in the right condition to do so.

Getting that well needed rest under the table
Getting that well needed rest under the table

Well, after powering through this you can take my “PRO” advice or just simply laugh along with my BRO-vice. Just remember that it’s important to put your health first. You can “live it up” or “YOLO,” but make sure your body can handle it. You’re at EDC to have fun, not die and END EDC for all of us. Also make sure your friends around you are safe and in good health as well. I know some of us festival goers like to partake in party favors, but don’t be afraid to approach the medic tent. Your life is more important than getting in trouble by mom and dad for partaking in the festival dark side. Insomniac has a list of do’s and don’ts as well, take a look at ’em. But just remember, always be a PRO raver and not (just) a BRO.

Here is this year’s teaser trailer:

15 thoughts on “Bros v. Pros: The Mens Guide to EDC While Trying Not To Be a Douchebag

    brosters said:
    May 16, 2014 at 9:45 am

    Reblogged this on BroSters and commented:
    Hey, Sype here. Figure I’ll reblog a little satire I just wrote about music festivals and the do’s and don’ts for bros and pros. I hope you guys get a little laugh out of this.

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    December 1, 2014 at 2:55 am

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      kokoandairec said:
      December 16, 2014 at 1:38 am

      lol, thanks for sharing and that’s funny

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      December 16, 2014 at 1:37 am

      just keep writing and don’t stop writing. and try to get inspired anyway possible. but don’t be lazy and keep writing! even if you think it’s bad, just keep on the grind and don’t stop.

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      kokoandairec said:
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    […] Disclaimer: These tips are coming from a female perspective. Although some points are applicable to all genders, if you’re a guy you’ll want to check out my male-counterpart’s dude version: Bros vs Pros- A Male’s Guide To EDC 2014.  […]

    kokoandairec responded:
    June 11, 2015 at 11:41 am

    Reblogged this on #SorryAsianParents and commented:

    Here is a piece I did 2 years ago on EDC. Check it out and have a few laughs! Don’t take it too seriously.

    kokoandairec responded:
    June 11, 2015 at 11:46 am

    Reblogged this on Inside the Dark Minds of Koko and Airec and commented:

    Here’s a little ThrowbackThursdays for yall

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