Month: November 2014

Can’t Get Enough of “New Girl’s” Schmidt!!!

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By Airec Sype

“I want to wander into your Narnia of sexual terror and emerge like a freshly birthed calf.”

Ridiculous statements like this that express feelings with the vocabulary of a douche-bag is what drives viewers to love the fictional character Schmidt on Fox’s sitcom “New Girl.” Although it’s safe to say that every character on the show is uniquely loveable, Schmidt (played by Max Greenfield) always finds a way to climb into our hearts and ache our sides.

If you haven’t been following “New Girl” then the YouTube clip posted above will give you a sample of Schmidt’s  outrageously hilarious nature. And if you haven’t been following “New Girl” (it’s in its fourth season btw), then all I have to ask is what’s wrong with you?!?!?!

In my personal opinion, this has been one of the best sitcoms since “How I Met Your Mother.” This is my personal opinion that isn’t based on some kind of TV facts or percentage or pie chart of TV shows out there; I don’t have those numbers and I’m not that kind of Asian to find it . . .

But to prove a bit of my opinion, you can find some of the awards and nominations that “New Girl” has received at this Wikipedia page. The list includes an award for Most Exciting New Series in 2011 and numerous of nominations for Best Comedy Series. I guess if I was that kind of Asian then I guess I would have done some real work and got facts off a more reliable page. (Wikipedia put me through college, so we have a history together #sorryasianparents)

“New Girl” is a single-camera situational comedy that follows a set of roommates (1 girl and 3 boys) and their wacky adventures living in LA. A lot of their misadventures involves the common obstacles that we face in life (romance, roommate living situations, friendship, that one douche bag friend who says stupid things all the time, and of course sleeping with your friends), making the show hitting-too-close-to-home relatable if you’re in your mid 20’s to 30’s.

Of course there isn’t as many penises and cock-teases (mind the pun) of dragons like in HBO’s “Games of Thrones,” or as many mystery’s as ABC’s “Lost,” but “New Girl” still pulls its punches with its great writing to make you laugh till your guts hurts and nearly shat your pants.

But back to Schmidt.

He’s that one guy that will say off the wall assertions that will make you always remember him. Like that one friend who says the most stupidest, most ridiculous, borderline offensive things that you were too afraid to say but it’s hilarious, kinda friend. He lingers in your mind like George Costanza.

As the Schmidt sage continues, one cannot forget a trope that original fans will always remember, the “Douche Bag Jar.” BuzzFeed has kindly compiled 27 relateable Schmidt quotes here. Despite those being hilarious, douche-baggy statements like these cannot go unpunished, or else this would inspire a wave of yuppie, boat-shoe wearing, fake tan having, douche bags shooting their mouths off . . . possibly.

“You’re a lesbian and a gynecologist, which makes you, well . . . a vaginous.”

Great fusion of words there, Schmidt. But still, that’s a dollar into the douche bag jar – a check and balance of Schmidt unflattering side.

But why are words like douchey and yuppie automatically used to describe Schmidt? Why are people easily turned off by his lifestyle and witty wordplay? I believe it’s because people cannot handle him, for Schmidt is a man who speaks the truth: for he is a visionary of the modern-day man; he is the combination of fashion and musk. He says the thoughts that we all think but are too afraid to say with use of colorful imagery.

The shows light may shine on Nick Miller, but it’s Schmidt who takes the stage and lets us know his presence. Nick lets life takes him away with its current, Wilson is too goofy for his own good, but Schmidt takes action; he knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to let his needs be known!

Along with his San Francisco-Marina-like side, Schmidt does have a heart. This fitness obsessed, career driven, Jewish man was not always this douchey. Originally a fat kid, Schmidt does have a soft side. With his constant pursuit after Cece and his selfless acts for his friends, one can accept his outlandish comments and unpleasantries. Here are some loveable moments at BuzzFeed’s 40 Things That Will Make You Love Schmidt Even More.

Would this show continue if Max Greenfield didn’t portray the animated and loveable man with a deviant smile that’s up to no good trickster named Schmidt? I think not. This witty Jewish man can turn any random coupling of words into a semi-offensive-witty-hilarious-break-you-from-concentration quote, which will probably turn into a meme with the help of the internet! Well, I’m sure the goofiness of the other characters will still drive the show, but none will be as memorably bold and loose-lipped as Schmidt.

PS, my buddy Juno often compares me to Schmidt since I grew up largely overweight and don’t have a filter for a mouth (so I tend to say stupid things). Probably why I wrote this tribute.

Here’s a bonus to make you feel even more euphoric, SCHMIDT QUOTES AS INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS!!!

get excited my friends!
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10 Dark Minds Life Hacks 

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NOTE: Unless you’re self-destructive, don’t take this seriously! Unless…you’re like us.

By KokoKai and Sype

Because sometimes you just want a shortcut in life that may not be the most productive but is sure as hell fun, in a self-destructive kind of way. Here are some of the best shortcuts & solutions of all your life’s problems. Enjoy the fuckery!

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I don’t give no . . .

 

 


Avoid feeling feelings ever!: Just engage in empty hookups with questionable chicks.

Too tired to work out tonight?: Slam some pre-workout and flood your system with artificial stimulants so you can storm to the gym with a false sense of incredible hulk strength.

Too cheap to pay for your BART fare: Hop over the turn-style when no one is looking. Go on. Be quick about it. Also while leaving the BART station, make sure you quickly follow the person in front of you, but also make sure you’re a safe distance behind them so you’re not butt-humping them.

Live longer with a healthier diet: Eat a salad along with your usual 6 slices of pizza while only using one packet of ranch . . . unless you worked out that day, then use 3!

No time to clean the house: Spray everything with Febreeze, light scented candles, and throw everything into the closet.

Not enough energy to play with your dog/cat: buy a laser pointer. Make your pet run up and down the hallway until they’re out of breath . . . or simply ask your friend to watch em while you do your “task” of the day.

Avoid a hangover tomorrow: water down your vodka cran. That way you’re hydrating while getting drunk. You could also eat a greasy meal before you pass the eff out, and leave a giant bottle of Gatorade next to your nightstand.

Appear smarter than you actually are: scan Sparknotes of popular books so you can quote them in conversation thus sounding more educated than you really are. And always badmouth the movie because every smart person who read the book hates the movie.

No Clean Cups?: drink all alcohol and wine straight out of the bottle.

Never Want To Clean Your House: Join a fraternity or sorority so that you can have pledges come clean your house whenever need be. If they don’t want to clean then threaten to drop them – use the intimidation factor. And also haze the shit out of them for even wanting to go against your wishes. (NOTE: This only works during the school year because you only have pledges during the school year. If it’s summer, you’re going to either have to clean or have a dirty house for 3 months . . . unless you’re that much of an asshole/bitch to wait and make the FNGs do it.)

 

That’s it for now. Stay tune for more unproductive life hacks!!!

 

Here's looking at you kid. Till next time.
Here’s to looking at you kid. Til next time.

Races: #4. SuperSpar Bela Bela Marathon

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Her and her metal
Her and her metal

A successful race! Read about KokoKai’s epic journey at the SuperSpar marathon in Bela Bela.

“Another marathon down. Sometimes I forget I’m in South Africa” – KokoKai

Unicorn Diaries

It was hot as balls, but I survived!

My first alarm went off at 1:50am and by 2am we were in the car and on the road. We arrived at the race site by 5, giving us just enough time to check in at registration, use the restroom and get ourselves prepared. My host mom gave me a big, warm hug and we wished each other good luck [she was running the 5k]. The gun went off at precisely 5:30 and away I ran!

The SuperSpar marathon in Bela Bela was a race of contrasts. The first 20km or so was pretty flat and I was feeling good about it. It would be quite misleading to any runners that hadn’t already studied the course map for elevation gains. I was constantly checking my posture and making sure my alignment was good. I knew that if I was kind to my…

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