NOTE: Unless you’re self-destructive, don’t take this seriously! Unless…you’re like us.
By KokoKai and Sype
Because sometimes you just want a shortcut in life that may not be the most productive but is sure as hell fun, in a self-destructive kind of way. Here are some of the best shortcuts & solutions of all your life’s problems. Enjoy the fuckery!
Avoid feeling feelings ever!: Just engage in empty hookups with questionable chicks.
Too tired to work out tonight?: Slam some pre-workout and flood your system with artificial stimulants so you can storm to the gym with a false sense of incredible hulk strength.
Too cheap to pay for your BART fare: Hop over the turn-style when no one is looking. Go on. Be quick about it. Also while leaving the BART station, make sure you quickly follow the person in front of you, but also make sure you’re a safe distance behind them so you’re not butt-humping them.
Live longer with a healthier diet: Eat a salad along with your usual 6 slices of pizza while only using one packet of ranch . . . unless you worked out that day, then use 3!
No time to clean the house: Spray everything with Febreeze, light scented candles, and throw everything into the closet.
Not enough energy to play with your dog/cat: buy a laser pointer. Make your pet run up and down the hallway until they’re out of breath . . . or simply ask your friend to watch em while you do your “task” of the day.
Avoid a hangover tomorrow: water down your vodka cran. That way you’re hydrating while getting drunk. You could also eat a greasy meal before you pass the eff out, and leave a giant bottle of Gatorade next to your nightstand.
Appear smarter than you actually are: scan Sparknotes of popular books so you can quote them in conversation thus sounding more educated than you really are. And always badmouth the movie because every smart person who read the book hates the movie.
No Clean Cups?: drink all alcohol and wine straight out of the bottle.
Never Want To Clean Your House: Join a fraternity or sorority so that you can have pledges come clean your house whenever need be. If they don’t want to clean then threaten to drop them – use the intimidation factor. And also haze the shit out of them for even wanting to go against your wishes. (NOTE: This only works during the school year because you only have pledges during the school year. If it’s summer, you’re going to either have to clean or have a dirty house for 3 months . . . unless you’re that much of an asshole/bitch to wait and make the FNGs do it.)
That’s it for now. Stay tune for more unproductive life hacks!!!