(Disclaimer from me, Sype, the thoughts and views expressed in this blog post does not reflect my views on women nor does it mean that I’m a douche at a festival hitting on girls. I respect women and respectfully creep on them from afar and would not physically creep on them. This is just a satirical response to my friend, and amazing writer, Stephanie Q’s, article: Flirting vs Friendly. So enjoy. Thank you.)
Alright bros, it’s getting to be that time of year again, my favorite time of year, FESTIVAL SEASON!!!
Festival season is great because you can rage hard, pump fists and hit on half-naked-chicks. The first two parts of my list are simple and easy to do, every bro from gym rats to nerds can partake with ease.
That last part however, might be difficult for some bros in the quest for that sweet sweaty rave gash.
So here are some quick easy tips for getting girls at a rafe. Use them wisely boys.
1. 1. If she likes your kandi, then she wants dat D.
Look bros, if some girl takes the time to burrow her way through the crowd to say “I like your kandi,” then that means she’s trying to talk to you. If she’s complimenting you then she’s deff hitting on you, dawg. No way that chick is trying to leave her pack of (pussy) cats, risking the chance of being creeped on by some beta if she wasn’t trying to get some of that ALPHA!
2. 2. There’s no way a girl is just trying to dance.
If a girl is up there shaking her carefully crafted booty, then she’s waiting for some Alpha to say “sup.” There’s no way that she spent all that time in the gym, preparing all those pansy “meal preps” for the week and trying all those trendy fad cleanses to just be with the girls. (Unless she’s a lesbian then I’m fine with that. As long as I’m there.) She’s at a festival, so that means she’s down to party! Grow some balls, go up there and talk to her. The more baggage the better bro; bonus points if she hates her dad.
3. 3. Bump and GRIND!!!
Just sneakily walk up behind her and start pumping that fist. Flex those biceps, shrug those shoulders, you’re not wearing that tank top cuz it’s comfortable. You spent all that time in the gym and taken all the diet meth that GNC sold ya, so walk up to her and show her what those steroids got cha. Strategically pump that fist next to her and “accidentally” bump into her. If she bumps back then that means she wants it.
4. 4. Uplift her hand and into her rave panties.
Right before that sick drop from one of those awesome Top 10 bangers, there is an overused build-up. You gotta look at her and say, “I love this part.” If she says something back, even if you don’t hear her, you gotta grab her hand and lift it in the air. This shows her that you’re sensitive and shit. They like cheese, feelings. At this point, she should have either retracted your hand cuz you’re a rapist or kept it there. And if it’s still there then she is left defenseless and you gotta seize this moment to hold her hand or strategically give her a twirl into your back attack grinding position.
5. 5. Hugs baby, hugs.
Rave chicks love to hug and cuddle. Give her the nod, then she’ll know she’s yours. During a song, hug her. It’s a reason to get close. Make sure she smells your alpha smell that has been manifesting since the banger dropped. Cuddle hard and remember that girls love it when you say creepy things to them.
6. 6. She doesn’t just want to be friends.
No Alpha settles in the friend-zone. If she says that she only wants to be friends then you gotta move onto the next cunt. She’s not ready for an alpha like you. However, if you want to try and fist pump your way out of the friend-zone, then you better hope you’re alpha enough. Just play the friend card for awhile. Girls like aggressiveness. It’s an uphill battle but you can do it bro.
Alright bros, I’ve given you some tips on how to be successful at getting that sweet rave thang. Just don’t be Chester the Molester here. Don’t creep hard because no girl likes a desperate bro. If she don’t like you then just move on. You got this bro. Rave hard. BE. ALPHA. AS. F*CK!!!!