Useless Conversations

#FirstWorldProblems: Africa Assumptions by an Asian in America

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Wise words from Africa
Wise words from Africa

By KokoKai and Sype

Everyone has heard of #FirstWorldProblems, a hash tag that people in privileged nations use to complain about their . . . well, first world problems. But after watching a video (you can see down below) titled “First World Problems read by Third World People” by Water is Life, you start to feel like maybe using that hash tag is a little over the top.

 

 

So I, Sype, decided to ask my own ignorant American questions to my partner who is currently serving in the Peace Corps in South Africa. I tried to think of the most hyperbolic questions possible without seaming too racist (and stupid).

-And I, KokoKai, am happy to answer his questions because these are things that I even wondered about before moving my ass over to this side of the globe.

 

I cannot live without WiFi, WHERE IS THE WIFI!?!?!?

For being in the developing world, internet is surprisingly accessible here. Not a lot of people have home computers or laptops so a lot of young people will invest in smartphones so they can access basic internet services and social media.

People don’t have running water but they’ll have a BlackBerry with internet services? #priorities 😛

Sype: If I ever go visit I’ll prob bring my Driod so I can . . . surf the web . . . at night . . .

 

Does Africa have running water? All the African videos I watch has everyone living in huts.

In the rural villages, a lot people do live in huts or tin shacks and don’t have running water. Some also don’t have electricity. If you find yourself in a town or city, it’s like being in suburban America- big houses with pools, fancy cars, running water & electricity.

Sype: I wonder what they call Pizza Hut out there o.O

How do people hook-up without a Tinder?

See – “There Is No First Date When Being A Peace Corps Volunteer”.

Sype: They probably do a lot of web . . . surfing.

Are there lions and cheetahs and rhinos everywhere? Like the Lion King?

Yes, there are tons of these wild animals. No, they don’t go running through the villages. Most of these animals have been contained in areas that we call ‘game reserves’ which are huge areas of land that have been fenced off because animal poaching is such a big problem here, but the animals are still able to roam free in their natural habitats. Even though game reserves do add a level of deterrence from hunting, but poachers are sneaky and still find ways to break in and kill animals. See this recent article about the rhino population…

Spye: JUMANJI!!!!

How do you know what your friends are up to if not everyone has a Facebook? 

Facebook has monopolized all communication forms in the present day, but it is not the only way to contact people. Whatsapp is actually the most common communication tools we use as Peace Corps volunteers to communicate with each other, and for communication back home here is, of course still email and the perennial snail mail system. FB may seem so extraneous, but having access to it makes me feel incredibly connected.

Sype: I see Africa also does late night regretful Facebook booty calls.

Do movies come out at the same time as it does in America?

For the most part, yes. Sometimes it may take a week or two for the new releases to show up on our big screens.

Sype: I wonder if the whole cast of Lion King was there when the movie came out . . .

Do you have to hunt for your food?

Considering I’m a vegetarian, the answer would be NO. I do garden however, so I guess you could say I grow & cut my own food. Which is almost like hunting. Expect the food isn’t running away from me, it’s stuck in the ground.

Sype: What about ‘playful’ hunting? Where you shoot guns filled with love?

Do you know any monkeys?

I actually made friends with some Samango monkeys recently! And by ‘made friends’ I mean, they liked to steal my food and I let them because I wanted their friendship. And I was slightly too scared of them to refuse.

Spye: Abu!!!

photo-3

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From Football and the Broncos to Snapchat and Balls

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***Note: This is not a sports blog, but I like sports, and I like shit-talking***

I don’t think it’s a secret that I am a Denver Broncos fan. If you’re my friend on Facebook you probably know that. That being said, I am NOT a bandwagon jumper-macgumper. I’ve been a fan of the Broncos since Tim Tebow took a snap for the franchise (despite his lack of ability to throw the ball) and since my buddy Yanze wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Champ Bailey in high school of 0’7.

So of course my friends like to give me a lot of shit (!!!) for this. One of my best friends, Juno, is a Patriots fan. He’s from New Hampshire so of course he’s gonna root for Brady and company. What makes this situation worst is that his girlfriend, Xtina, is a San Diego Chargers fan . . . this power couple are fans of two teams that are in the AFC . . . meaning that whenever the Broncos play one of these two teams, there is going to be a lot of shit-talking.

This isn’t one of those behind closed doors kinda shit talking, this is I’ll-fucking-text-you-when-your-team-fuck-up-and-I’ll-post-some-kinda-rediculous-shit-on-your-Facebook-wall-and-tag-you kinda shit talking. When the Patriots were victorious with a come from behind victory against the Broncos this season, I received a text from Juno and (real) his brother to suck a phallic. In fact, I still have a bet that needs to be fulfilled with Juno that dealt with the disappointing outcome the last time Tebow took a snap behind center while facing Brady. (Shh, it’s a secret but it involves alcohol and Vegas. And no I’m not going to suck any phallic.)

Here is the comment that started it all, the Facebook-shit-talking-seen-around-the-world (of my News Feed) from Mizz. Sweet Xtina herself.

the comment that started it all
the comment that started it all

 

***Note: SDF is an inside joke that I drunkenly created and now has been a catch phrase amongst my friends and I. It stands for Suck Dick ******

I’m not one to start shit (maybe, kinda, sometimes, just maybe sometimes), but like a kid in kindergarten defending himself and his retaliation from a timeout, she started it first!

Yes, yes, yes, I know that during this season, the Broncos lost to the Chargers and the Patriots . . . but look whose still in playoffs, nay, looks who’s playing for the FUCKING SUPERBOWL!!!

As I learned from a very wise man this past weekend: never talk shit because you never know when it’s going to come back and bite you in the ass. (Yet I still have not fully grasped this lesson. But hey, I’m still maturing!)

So after a taunting like that from Mizz. Xtina, I had to say something. At least a little boast of victory.

my right to post
my right to post

 

Yes, I’ve made my case and demanded my righteous victory Facebook post. But this is where things get a little derailed from football and into something completely different, something gross and outrageous and hairy, something so, I don’t know how to say it . . . ahh, something so Airec Syprasert: a comment too far.

a comment too far
a comment too far

 

This conversation has now turned it focus from Manning and his flawless team and onto my crouch. And yes, for some of y’all who don’t know, it’s hairy. Unlike those sleek and hairless Asians you see on TV or kung-fu movies, I’m one hairy bastard. God has cursed me with the tedious task of shaving my pubic regions every so often. I know that this is probably gross information because those of you who are reading might know me in person, or you might not even know me at all, but this is the truth of the matter: I am one hairy Asian-American male. Fucking sue me for not meeting the zeitgeist of how Asians should look like.

But anyways, like I’ve said numerous times beofre, Snapchat (an app for smart phones where you take a picture and send it to someone and it deletes itself after 5 seconds, great for sending nudies. Also, girls, you’re stupid if you send a nude Snapchat thinking he’s not gonna save it or that he’s the only eyes that are gonna see. I mean, seriously.) is stupid. I fucking, let me reiterate this, I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN I SEE PEOPLE TAKING STUPID SNAPCHAT PICTURES. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE A FOOL WHEN YOU MAKE THOSE FACES AROUND CAMPUS OR ON THE MUNI OR IN A CROWDED ROOM AT A PARTY OR ANY-FUCKING-WHERE-IN-GENERAL. Yes, I know I’m hating, but I just hate it so much.

So me being me, I decided to send my friends a Snapchat of my balls from my friend Tim’s iPhone the night before when I was witnessing this stupid act occur. Let me just say, they can wash their eyes, but their brains will never be clean again as my balls are imprinted into their memory. And no, I don’t feel sorry for their eyes. Maybe Lance’s eyes, his Snapchat back showed a very scared black man. I never thought tiny little Asian me would scare a big African-American him. #firstvictory

the last comment, but not the last . . . or i mean you get what i mean
the last comment, but not the last . . . or i mean you get what i mean

 

Is there a point to this post besides my infatuation with sending people pictures of my balls? Yes, don’t talk shit on Facebook because you never know when what you posted (its online so it’s always gonna be alive somewhere) is gonna come back and bite you in the ass. If you’re gonna talk shit, do it in person. This way, you can tell your friend to suck dick, or kiss your ass, or go hop on a wooden stake and die, or whatever you want to say while doing some obscure gestures. I know that’s what I do. Like how Stifler does in the American Pie series (my fictional hero).

Also another lesson, nay a warning, if you get into a conversation with me, the end comment or topic is probably not going to be what you started with; I mean, how do you go from football to hairy Asians . . . just one of pro’s (depending on how you look at it and depending if I’ve shaven or trimmed yet or not) of an Airec Syprasert comment.

Till next time, Sype.

PS. Go Broncos and FWAK the Seahawks!!!

PSS. Here is a funny Buzzfeed article about why the Broncos should be the least hated team in the NFL

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjkiebus/reasons-the-denver-broncos-are-the-least-hateable-in-the?bffb

Random Texts, KokoandAirec Style

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take some preworkout and stop being a little bitchfriendship like this

It has been awhile since one of us has posted anything, which we’re sorry for. So I (airec) took the time to write down some of the random text messages we corresponded over the weekend, which involves ice-skating, a tween rock show, fitness motivation, and aimless humor that probably doesn’t make much sense to anyone but us.

So enjoy!

Me: Who knew that ice skating without fireball in you is a lot easier; you don’t trip over little kids

Koko: Buuut ice skating with Koko and fireball is way funner!

Me: Iono, going ice skating with this girl, her boyfriend, and the finger blaster does have its benefits

Koko: haha, I love that his name is finger blaster >.<

Me: haha, and you wanted to name him Tecate!!!!

Koko: Hahaha I thought Tecate would be a more appropriate rave name. But Finger Blaster is a funny nick name

Me: I guess that’s more of his bro-rave name #B4L

Koko: What’s my #B4L nickname?

Me: Iono, I like KokoKai. What’s my #B4L nickname?

Koko: Hmmm it’s hard to pick one! What do the bros call you most? Cuz I just call you Asian >.<

Me: Well, we live in a society where you have the power of choice, so pick a nickname for me!

Koko: Asian. Haha (:P)

***(Next Morning)***

Me: Im rly sore 4m an intense cross training session but I want to do interval training. What do I do!?

Koko: Pop some L-glutamine. Take some pre-workout. And STOP BEING A BITCH

Me: I think you and my mom are the only women that I take orders from and that im scared of.

Koko: No need to be scared . . . you know this unicorn is a big softie

Me: (Tears up) I’m glad u respect and embrace my weakness. Please stop.

Koko: I’ll stop when you learn to get dinner on the table on time!!!

Me: Why are you so mean?

Koko: It’s because men have been oppressing us since the beginning of time! It’s time to fight back!

Me: I’m scared.

Koko: Oppression doesn’t feel goo does it?

***(Later on that night)***

Me: I’m at a punk-pop show and they’re so many tweens

Koko: Hands off! No roofies!!!

Me: WTF, how dare you accuse me of such behavior?!?

Koko: Haha well I’ve seen your EDM-harmony dating profile….

Me: Shut up, those are lies.

Koko: Haha

Me: Whatever, you’re leaving off to South Africa anyways

Koko: That just means we gotta make the most of my time left in America!

Me: Stop trying to get me to go to Hawaii

Koko: You know you want to

Me: Stop it, stop Jedi-ing me

Koko: Yup, I am a unicorn with Jedi mind powers

A Comment Too Far, The Mind of Airec Syprasert: Put a book in front of it

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kokos' womanhood is showing
kokos’ womanhood is showing

Will Scott Your womanhood is showing.

Koleana Kai McGuire Thanks? Haha

Airec Syprasert nope, that’s her erection

Koleana Kai McGuire You boys are so silly

Airec Syprasert well, just put a book or a backpack in front of that womanhood next time so it doesnt show. thats what i did in 6th grade #lessonlearned

Koleana Kai McGuire I’ll just hide in the closet. That solves everything.

Airec Syprasert oh no, you get out of that closet, you might accidentally fall into Narnia and then everyone there will see your womanhood; might take someones eye out

Koleana Kai McGuire MAYBE I WANNA GO INTO NARNIA! Aslan is my homie…he understands me

Airec Syprasert fine, you and aslan can flant your guys womanhood together. just make sure you shave asland, because no one likes a hairy . . . lion

Will Scott ……
Uhhh…. All I mention I’d that you look more lady like

Airec Syprasert Yea I kinda ran with that. Haha

This is another one of those incidences where I take a innocent compliment to the next level; a level too far. But I guess that’s how my random mind works (;P)

But other than that, it’s a very nice photo of Koleana during her weekend trip in Vegas. Growing into a fine young woman . . . they grow up so fast :’)

-Sype

I Always End Up Being the Asian Housewife(Husband)

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I haven’t posted in awhile, so I thought I would take this opportunity to post up another conversation that Koleana and I had, in which we somehow came to the conclusion that I end up getting emotionally/physically abused in our fake marriage.

I don’t know how it turned out like this. Of course we never intentionally meant to make fun of abusive relationships; it just started off as emasculating jokes against me and now I’m her Asian housewife who makes her imaginary Facebook dinners.

I’m pretty sure in the future I will write a post on how this all started, but for now enjoy this great post that turned into useless banter- accompanied with memes that I created!!!

Here’s one of the memes that started it all:

Asian house husband
Asian house husband

Now here’s the conversation!!!

Airec Syprasert to Koleana Kai McGuire

  • today i met a sophomore who is studying human bio at ucsd and she expressed interest about becoming a physical therapist, but she spoke of the difficulties, so i told her about the legend of Koleana the doctor McGuire and I think she was inspired.

Top of Form

Koleana Kai McGuire Hahaha glad i could be an inspiration! I hope you didn’t give away too many of my secrets

Airec Syprasert haha what should i tell her when i see her next? ride unicorns to the top?

Koleana Kai McGuire Tell her the solution to everything is glitter and unicorns!

Airec Syprasert umm . . . on second thought, maybe i wont say anything more, you know, i wanna end the tale on a high note bahaha

Koleana Kai McGuire Hahaha you dick. Real talk though, tell her the solution is having a strong stomach, she’s gonna spend a lot of time in cadaver labs…especially being a human bio major

Airec Syprasert she said shes cool with everything . . . but needles. and no your a dick: a dick covered in glitter that shoots out rainbows

Koleana Kai McGuire So she gets squemish around needles, but not dead bodies? Haha ok.

Airec Syprasert i thought all white girls were squemish around needles lol

Koleana Kai McGuire Well you thought wrong!

Airec Syprasert you snow flakes surprises me everyday

Koleana Kai McGuire How dare you make generalizations based on race/skin color! Now go make me some dinner!

Airec Syprasert no please lower your voice or else people on facebook will hear; i didnt mean to make you mad. ill be a good asian wife and get started on dinner now. :*(

Airec Syprasert i hope fried rice is ok

Koleana Kai McGuire I suppose. JUST MAKE SURE ITS VEGAN!!!!

Airec Syprasert *sob *sob ok, just please dont hit me again. i told you that that pork fried rice i made you was accidental *sob *sob *hellokitty *sob

Koleana Kai McGuire No excuses! *slap*

Airec Syprasert *cries my mother warned me about white girls. why must you beat an immigrant child even more with the right hand of america

Koleana Kai McGuire Hahahahahahaaha ok this is getting outa pocket & the unicorn needs her glitter sleep for tomorrow

Airec Syprasert yeah, i think the rest of this conversation should be done on text messaging or fb message. but next time i see her ill tell her the secret to success is by beating an Asian house husband and blowing a load of glitter in his face. lol night

Daniel Uchiyama Fucking hilarious

Airec Syprasert thats the comedy style of #kokoandairec

Koleana Kai McGuire Yes, crude and almost offensive.

Airec Syprasert thats right! Good job partner *high fives laptizzle screen*

Now here is a rebuttal to my original meme (which I still forgot to post pictures from Hawaii).

whos the house wife now

-Hope y’all have a good one, Sype

Bros4Life: Roommate Farts

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eric and i beer

Me: Oh man, I got so stuff at dinner while watching the game

Eric: Yeah, those beers are killing my stomach though

Me: Yeah, me too (pause) by the way, I just farted

Eric: Nice, me too
Nothing like living with one of your best friends who’s on the same level as you. Three years strong.

#Bros4Life

-Sype

Random Domestic Humor: Two in One Day

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Me flexing, I just turned 21. . .yes I know I looked like a douche bag for taking this picture, but hey, I just turned 21
Me flexing, I just turned 21. . .yes I know I looked like a douche bag for taking this picture, but hey, I just turned 21

VS.

Koko Streching

Here is a random conversation that lead into one of our normal husband-abuse-tangents. I don’t know why but most of the battles end with me (Airec) making a sandwich.

Koleana Kai McGuire: Just opened another savings account…I feel like such a grown up (^_^)

Airec Syprasert I have two checking a and two savings with two diff banks. Get in my level girl

Airec Syprasert Got on

Koleana Kai McGuire 2 checkings & 2 savings between 3 places. In yo face!

Airec Syprasert 2jobs and I pick up the kids n make dinner boo-yaaa

Koleana Kai McGuire I bring home the bread, I expect dinner on the table every night!

Airec Syprasert You told me you didn’t care bout that and wouldn’t bring it up anymore!!!! we are equals you said!

Koleana Kai McGuire Well I lied. Now get back in the kitchen & make me a sandwich

Airec Syprasert Ok, you know what, I lied too; it wasn’t good, I faked it (O.O)

Airec Syprasert shared a link.

i found unicorn helmets and armor . . . play (HALO 4) with me

 

http://i.ebayimg.com/t/Halo-4-FOTUS-Armor-Crawler-Unicorn-Emblem-Code-Lot-Reach-Xbox-360-Avatar-More

i.ebayimg.com

Koleana Kai McGuire Can we dress up in these and make a harlem shake video pweeaasseeeeee

Airec Syprasert i thought u dont like thsoe kinda videos and thought they were overkill?

Koleana Kai McGuire The beyonce shit was overkill

Airec Syprasert so what ur telling me is that you’re willing to dress up in a halo unicorn helemt as long as we do the harlem shake>?

Airec Syprasert and i emphasize in the word HALO

Koleana Kai McGuire If only there were a way to wear a spirithood OVER the unicorn helmet. Hmmmm

Airec Syprasert why, why would you wanna desecrate the sanctity of halo with a spirithood?!?!

Airec Syprasert maybe u wear the helmet and ill wear the spririthoody? with a ski mask?

Koleana Kai McGuire No I wear both!

Airec Syprasert no, you always do this! like when you didn’t let me choose the color for the drapes, you never let me get what i want

Koleana Kai McGuire You’re so damn high maintenance!

Airec Syprasert (but real talk, you can wear both unicorns cuz ill probably end up slaying the unicorn anyways. im down to make the music video if i can wear the ski mask)

Airec Syprasert and you are a control FREAK!!! always being a man and never letting me have an opinion :*(

Koleana Kai McGuire You’re opinions are irrelevant. I bring home the bread = I make all the decisions.

Koleana Kai McGuire (real talk though: this is going on the Hawaii To-Do List)

Airec Syprasert you’re never appreciative