It’s that time of year again where everyone’s posting Facebook or Twitter political updates, telling everyone that they care for more than just funny memes or cat pictures. I’m not here to push some kind of political agenda upon y’all, I’m just here to post funny videos and links.
Funny Or Die just released a video projecting Bernie Sanders campaign as a music concert tour titled “Bernie Sanders Summer Tour.” It’s pretty funny. The two comedians asks the people in attendance for their “favorite hits,” referring to Sanders stance and political platform (like free education and higher taxes on the wealthy). Some of the attendees are in on the jokes and some look lost with the festival fever trope.
Remember that I’m not here to push some kind of political candidate on you, just to make you laugh. If I did however had some kind of stance on Sanders, then I would probably post a video like that below for you to see. That’s how you would know if I had a stance on this whole Democrat primary election.
Finger Blasting (verb) – The act of inserting one’s finger(s) repeatedly, with vigorous force, into another person or their vagina or anus.
“Bob is a little pissed that I finger blasted his ex-girlfriend last night at the movies.”
Now that we got the technical terms out-of-the-way, let’s talk about finger blasting. For those who are not used to vulgar and crude humor (or were not in the Greek system in college), the term ‘finger blasting’ may be a foreign or familiar concept. This is not the case for me; every time I say it, I cannot help but giggle at the sheer silliness of the 14 letters that compose such an act.
My friend Heaven (yes that’s her real name and not her stage name) did not believe me that this word -this word that made her cringed at a bar during Taco Tuesday- was valid. She believed my fraternity and I made it up, until I showed her proof. I don’t know if the idea or culture of ‘finger blasting’ came from the ancient Greeks themselves or from the early frat houses of young America, but it’s currently sweeping the Nation with giggles and disgust! Here is the ever so reliable Urban Dictionary providing the evidence of finger blasting!
Now the reason why I’m so juiced up on this rediscovered word is because I realized how American the term ‘finger blasting’ is. This realization came when I was trading hook-up terminology with my Irish friends who are here on their J1 visas. They shared with me the term ‘shifting.’ Which means to ‘make out with,’ or ‘French kissing.’ So then I traded them the marvelous F.B.!!!
I’m sure this wasn’t the first time these pale kids with cute accents have heard of ‘finger blasting,’ but I’m sure this is the first real time that they had to really think about it. As their cognitive brains slowly processed the term and stored it in their memory banks, their faces showed their reaction: the girls cringed to its imagery of their own flowers getting blasted, while the guys giggled as they pictured a rapid penetration of someone they yearn for by their own hand-gun.
The reason why I believe ‘finger blasting’ is such an American word is because of the aggressiveness of the implied action. When you look at the terms ‘shifting’ or ‘French kissing,’ they just seems so elegant, peaceful, and so European. Now when you say ‘finger blasting,’ it’s so American to take charge and impose one’s will. You’re not simply fingering but you’re also blasting! An act of passion that holds a key to open the door to sex has now become a barrage of angry SWAT members knocking down lush (and hopefully shaven) pink doors, guns a-blazing!
If you need another reason to giggle at the marvelous term ‘finger blasting,’ check out Amy Schumer’s skit that is posted above. I’m sure it’s going to shock you (;P) I don’t even want to ruin the video for you by describing it. So. Funny!!! Now, if you even need more proof how Americans have owned up to the term ‘finger blasting,’ Thought Catalog has compiled “Top 5 On-Screen Fingerblangs” by Kat George in popular American media. You’ll probably see some familiar faces there!
Also, if all this talk about finger blasting gets you in the mood to call over a Tinder date, then make sure you do it right. Kat George, here she is again, has an another F.B. article on Vice about common finger blasting mistakes. It holds tips such as- clip your finger nails and make sure you don’t blast your way past the clit. A good read for you rookie blasters out there who just got your gun licenses.
Welp, I hope you all get the idea of finger blasting. This post isn’t to promote people to blast away at in a dark night club, or in a dim movie theater; this post is to poke fun at the word and giggle inappropriately. I’m not a ‘finger blasting’ advocate trying to make the term into Websters. (Those fraternity days are behind me!) I just think F.B. is a funny word. If you do decide to partake, make sure you finger blast intelligently; you don’t know when you’re going to accidentally hurt someone or get kicked out of a Carnage pool party in Vegas for ‘finger blasting’ some random chick in the pool during EDC week. Those guns are meant to be used responsibly and behind closed doors!
One of my favorite holidays is around the corner- the 4th of July! Not only do we celebrate this great nation’s independence, but that means I’m going to get more tips at my restaurant and I get to show my Irish co-workers on J1s their first AMERICA DAY!!!
FLAMA is here to remind us ‘Muricans about how ridiculous we can be when we celebrate other countries’ ethnic “heritage day” with their video “If Mexicans Celebrated the 4th Like Americans Celebrate Cinco De Mayo.” I put heritage day in quotations because we all know Americans will use almost anything as an excuse to rage and take shots.
I know that there is more to the 4th of July than bbq and Budweiser, but every now and then it’s nice to laugh at ourselves.
MegaBot, Inc. challenged Suidobashi Heavy Industries yesterday to a battle of robots! HOLY CRAP!!! If you watch the video provided by MegaBot’s YouTube page, then you will know that these mechs can do some damage.
You don’t understand how much this tickles my nerdy side. The little Asian boy inside my big boy body is just giggling with excitement. Do you know how many hours of anime I have watched?!?! Something like this becoming tangible is just mind-blowing.
This is great timing too since 4th of July is around the coroner. What’s more American than challenging another country to WAR??!!!
!!!USA USA USA USA USA USA!!!
Of course you gotta love the YouTube comments under the video. In one funny but unnessary exchange:
SmarterEveryDay: “Why can’t I stop giggling? I am way more excited about this than I should be.”
theblazer: “Cause you’re a f*cking q*eer who’s never got laid.”
Geeze, way to step on our fun bro. If you’re watching this video then you must also be excited to watch two giant mechs, that took a team of scientists to build, battle it out with crazy weapons! How is that not excited?!?! And how does that make us nerds gay? Someone’s a lil in the closet.
Another exchange that included at little bit of history:
NinjaCharlieT: “Challenging Japan to a robot battle is not a smart thing to do.. but then again, it’s ‘murica!”
Futurefighter49: “We’ve taken japan before! How hard could it be to do it again?”
It could be too soon for that joke, but hot damn it was cringingly funny.
Well, I hope this really does happen. I will join the mass of oversized man-childs waiting for that epic moment in Gundam history . . . I mean robot battles. Getting a little toooooo ahead of myself here.
The internet was lit on FIRE when Saturday Night Live premiered their skit, “Teacher Trail,” last week which displayed a fictional trail of a teacher who is accused of having sex with a student.
I’m usually a MadTV fan, but once in awhile I’ll come across a SNL skit that I didn’t find too over-the-top-witty and just damn right funny. This was one of those moments.
After watching the skit and hearing the outrage of the moms of Twitter, I didn’t find it offensive at all. It was just a satire on these hot female teacher rape cases (AKA every prepubescent boy-who-has-ever-watched-porn dreams). I mean, I wish I had sex with the cheer-leading coach when I was in high school, but I guess that rite is reserved for the chosen ones.
Harry Shuldman of the NYPost called the skit “tasteless” in his article. He provides some example of the angry tweets about the comedic portrayal of a boy statutory rape. The examples claimed the skit to be “not funny” or just “wrong” because of the rape subject.
Uproxx has even more examples of offended people in their article concerning this controversial skit. But if you scroll down to the comment section of the piece, many commenters were not offended and shared a chuckle or two. Dan Del Aguaro simply said, “Oh get over it, it was hilarious.”
I’ve talked about this before, the thin line between comedy and offense in my SorryAsianParents blog. It’s true that there is a fine line between those two and that’s where the comedy lies: in between the cracks, exposing truth and humor. It simply comes down to intent of offense. Was SNL trying to offend people with their skit? No, probably not. Did they glorify rape for every teenaged boys fantasy? Hell yeah!
Let’s get it right here, rape is bad. But is it wrong when a teen boy finally gets to bang that hot-teacher-that-every-boy-wants-to-bang-stamping-his-name-in-the-high-school-fraternity’s-history? Yeah, there’s no right way to do it actually. But let’s not pretend the boy whom hand is now broken from all the high fives isn’t also guilty. Unless the victim accused the teacher of unsolicited advances . . . well it’s actually still rape, but all those high fives doe.
Getting off point here. SNL is just a comedy group trying to comment on today’s society. “Teacher Trail” was not “tasteless” and it was done in a good manner. Cecily Strong portrayal of the teacher the right on the money as she portrayed her character like . . . well a school girl, in lust. Pete Davidson was right to be a gloating teenager because if Strong was my teacher, I . . . actually wouldn’t know what to do because I’m a scared lil Asian boy. The judge and father in the skit also represents how some phallic-centric-masculine-America feels when a teenage boy slashes a hot teachers gash.
Don’t get mad at SNL for how they portrayed their “truth” of this crisis in America. If you want to point the finger at someone then point it at the teachers who are betraying their code of conduct and the American judicial system for giving hot female teachers light sentences. Like in Denise Keesee case in Oregon, who received only 30 days for having sex with a 16-year-old.
Figure out who’s really at fault here when you form your lynching mobs. Leave comedians out of this fight, and if you can’t handle the(ier) truth then stop watching comedy.
Till next time, Sype
Here is a bonus of the names the kid was called in the skit, provided by GoldenTrawick of YouTube:
Luckiest guy ever
Good year pimp
Ren and Pimpy
King of the Teachers
After school special
The boy who lived
Gavin the Great
Magic the Gavining
Supercalifragilistic-this be such a dope kid
He who has sex with teachers
ever wanted to say something but didn’t because it might be a little offensive? well there is now a way to do that with the help of MICROAGGRESSION!!! Check out what that word means by reading my latest post on Sorry Asian Parents.
The internet has always been a hub of good ideas: if you’re into stuff like DIY’s or trying to find a non-trendy-but-trendy-hipster place to brunch, or trying to gather up magical tips to help you lose your virginity for the first time. (Porn isn’t a reliable source for educational virgin tips for getting women or losing your virginity btw. Not everyone is lucky enough to just stumble into a threesome). But if you troll the internet a lot, like I do, you will notice that it is a Wild West of ideas with raw-uncensored thoughts. Which, of course, without filtration, the internet is saturated with a lot of racist (but sometimes hilarious) comments.
Instead of me calling it “internet racism,” lets ground this phenomenon in the scholarly world. First coined by Harvard professor Chester M. Pierce in 1970, psychiatrists have described these light “insults and dismissals” as
Hi this is Airec here. So of y’all might know that I’m Asian, no shocker there. So I decided to have a new writing project call SorryAsianParents. It should be funny, wacky and super random so check it out.
What does that mean exactly? Shit, I don’t really know.
I guess if you break AA down to its two root words, my ethnicity is composed of Asian and American. (Also being American can mean a bunch of different things, in this sense I’m talking about mainstream “white-America,” I guess. But I’m not trying to be racist here, or at least not too racist).
So I’m Asian-American. Parents were born in Asia, I was born in America; I have spiky hair and sharp eyes, but I don’t have an Asian accent . . . most of the time, sometimes it just slips out, just the tip (;P). All of these things that compose me are borrowed cultural stereotypes and figures that mix the two worlds into my own.