bro
Finger Blasting: It’s Such An American Term
By Airec Sype.
(NSFW Content Ahead)
Finger Blasting (verb) – The act of inserting one’s finger(s) repeatedly, with vigorous force, into another person or their vagina or anus.
“Bob is a little pissed that I finger blasted his ex-girlfriend last night at the movies.”
Now that we got the technical terms out-of-the-way, let’s talk about finger blasting. For those who are not used to vulgar and crude humor (or were not in the Greek system in college), the term ‘finger blasting’ may be a foreign or familiar concept. This is not the case for me; every time I say it, I cannot help but giggle at the sheer silliness of the 14 letters that compose such an act.
My friend Heaven (yes that’s her real name and not her stage name) did not believe me that this word -this word that made her cringed at a bar during Taco Tuesday- was valid. She believed my fraternity and I made it up, until I showed her proof. I don’t know if the idea or culture of ‘finger blasting’ came from the ancient Greeks themselves or from the early frat houses of young America, but it’s currently sweeping the Nation with giggles and disgust! Here is the ever so reliable Urban Dictionary providing the evidence of finger blasting!
Now the reason why I’m so juiced up on this rediscovered word is because I realized how American the term ‘finger blasting’ is. This realization came when I was trading hook-up terminology with my Irish friends who are here on their J1 visas. They shared with me the term ‘shifting.’ Which means to ‘make out with,’ or ‘French kissing.’ So then I traded them the marvelous F.B.!!!
I’m sure this wasn’t the first time these pale kids with cute accents have heard of ‘finger blasting,’ but I’m sure this is the first real time that they had to really think about it. As their cognitive brains slowly processed the term and stored it in their memory banks, their faces showed their reaction: the girls cringed to its imagery of their own flowers getting blasted, while the guys giggled as they pictured a rapid penetration of someone they yearn for by their own hand-gun.
The reason why I believe ‘finger blasting’ is such an American word is because of the aggressiveness of the implied action. When you look at the terms ‘shifting’ or ‘French kissing,’ they just seems so elegant, peaceful, and so European. Now when you say ‘finger blasting,’ it’s so American to take charge and impose one’s will. You’re not simply fingering but you’re also blasting! An act of passion that holds a key to open the door to sex has now become a barrage of angry SWAT members knocking down lush (and hopefully shaven) pink doors, guns a-blazing!
If you need another reason to giggle at the marvelous term ‘finger blasting,’ check out Amy Schumer’s skit that is posted above. I’m sure it’s going to shock you (;P) I don’t even want to ruin the video for you by describing it. So. Funny!!! Now, if you even need more proof how Americans have owned up to the term ‘finger blasting,’ Thought Catalog has compiled “Top 5 On-Screen Fingerblangs” by Kat George in popular American media. You’ll probably see some familiar faces there!
Also, if all this talk about finger blasting gets you in the mood to call over a Tinder date, then make sure you do it right. Kat George, here she is again, has an another F.B. article on Vice about common finger blasting mistakes. It holds tips such as- clip your finger nails and make sure you don’t blast your way past the clit. A good read for you rookie blasters out there who just got your gun licenses.
Welp, I hope you all get the idea of finger blasting. This post isn’t to promote people to blast away at in a dark night club, or in a dim movie theater; this post is to poke fun at the word and giggle inappropriately. I’m not a ‘finger blasting’ advocate trying to make the term into Websters. (Those fraternity days are behind me!) I just think F.B. is a funny word. If you do decide to partake, make sure you finger blast intelligently; you don’t know when you’re going to accidentally hurt someone or get kicked out of a Carnage pool party in Vegas for ‘finger blasting’ some random chick in the pool during EDC week. Those guns are meant to be used responsibly and behind closed doors!
Dance downstairs safely, Master Blasters.
Sype.
Koko’s Gym Dynamics
We all know there’s only one reason people go to the gym – to look sexy naked.
We like take that one reason and create more elaborate excuses that make it seem like we have more profound, intelligent grounds for working out. But lets face it – if we really cared that much about our health, we’d pay more attention to what foods go into our pie holes as well as incorporating more physical activities into our daily lives outside of our gym time. We don’t have to have gym memberships to be healthy, we choose to flock to these bacteria-rampant, over-priced metal cages to pick up heavy things along side other sweaty people.
Although we all have the same reason for going to the gym, once we get to the actual gym we transform into 1 of 3 people: the bro, the creeper, or the energizer-bunny.
Take my gym experience this morning for example:
I walked into the gym and the first thing I did was take a subtle lap around the place to scope out what fellow gymers I’ll be gyming around today. The place was pretty desolate being that the Monday after Easter is also a national holiday in South Africa, but I did see one dude over in the corner doing some curls. I strutted past the pool and reach a row of seven empty treadmills. I hopped on the middle one which is right in front of a giant mirror. Yes, I’m that vain. But I’m a gym-bro: Muscle tank, headband ‘n all.
I put my ear-buds on and crank up my running playlist.
Sidenote: Necessary to every running playlist is:
ATB’s- Ecstacy
& Tiesto’s – Elements of Life
I saw movement on my left side and glance over, a man is getting on the treadmill directly beside me. He mugged me and throws a head nod in my direction, I shot one back and immediately accepted the guy’s provocation. This bro wanted to compete.
These treadmills are too far apart to successfully complete the casual ‘I’m just scanning the room and oops! I checked your speed and mileage on your display’ move. So I just had to go off my magical unicorn instincts, gauging how fast and how far he’s running in comparison to myself. Now before coming to the gym, I told myself I’ll warm up with 2 miles before I hit the weights for some Olympic lifting, then finish off with yoga and abs. But once this bro tried to throw his head nods around like he’s king of the treadmills, I ended up running over 4 miles. I checked my watch and realized I’m cutting into my lifting time by racing this old guy, so I decided to take the high road and continue on with my gym sesh. I hopped off the treadmill and the guy stopped running to ask me how far I ran.
ARE YOU FOR REAL BRO!?!!
I almost said “Oh I’m not done” and got back on my treadmill just to outrun him, but decided it’s not worth it. I smiled and said, “4 miles,” and walked away, knowing that his South African brain is programmed to measure by kilometers and he’d spend the rest of the day struggling to figure out the conversion. haha. I. win.
Why do we always want to compete with people working at the same machines? There are many reasons. Some of us are just natural born competitors, always looking for an opportunity to beat other people so we can feel better about ourselves. If this is you, then you are a gym bro. (Sype approves of this message)
Every once in a while there’s a sexy gazelle that you have to one-up by showing your strength as a way of impressing her and getting her attention.
As so describe by the bro Dom Mazzetti in …
I may just be paranoid, but I think some dudes just come to the gym to creep on females, and occasionally tone their biceps in the process. GYM CREEPERS!
Ask any girl and they will tell you there is at least one time during every gym sesh where she feels eyes undressing her, she glances around with her peripherals and BOOM! There’s a dude trying to low-key stare from a distance. So fucking creepy.
If you’re gonna stare, at least be slick about it! I’ll admit, I can appreciate a physically fit physique as much as the next girl, but if I’m gonna cop a glance it’s gonna be subtle as fuck. I’m not tryna interrupt anyone’s workout by being a creeper, nor do I want to be pegged as a gym creeper. If you’re gonna check someone out- don’t be so creepily obvious about it OR if you want someone’s attention, go workout directly next to that person and workout so exuberantly they can’t help notice you.
On the flip-side, some chicks are just asking for attention…
Not everyone in the gym is there to compete with people or to pick up chicks. Every now and then you’ll notice someone in the gym who’s all strung out on pre-work out – he probably has an idea of what muscle groups he wanted to target but once that Ravage kicks in, he’s running from machine to machine with no clear pattern or focus as he’s doing one set of each movement from calves to biceps to jump-roping and now he’s on an elliptical? We’ve all been there. Not gonna lie, I’ve been there too. A little overdose on that pre-workout will turn a focused, planned gym sesh into a circus of I-Dont-Know-What-The-Fuck-I’m-Doing-But-I-Have-Energy-For-Days!!!!!
There’s also another kind of energizer gym bunny who’s not on pre-workout, but rather a middle-aged mid-life crisiser who’s never been to a commercial gym but wants to burn off that beer gut so he’s sporadically diddling around the entire gym trying to figure his life out. Props to that guy, better late than never. Keep picking up heavy things, you’ll get there eventually old man.
Whatever category of gym-goer you find yourself in, take comfort in the fact that everyone else is in the gym for the same reason as you. We all have a desire to look sexy naked, or at least be confident enough to parade around in a swimsuit during pool party season in Vegas.
A Bros Insight on Valentine’s Day: A Day of Hate & Love?
Ah yes, it’s that time again, a time where couples ravish one another with elaborate gifts and post Facebook status singling single people out, once again reminding them of their lonesome partner-less life. It’s mother fugging Valentines Day!
A little history lesson (after browsing Wikipedia): Valentine’s Day is also known as Saint Valentine’s Day, named after the saint (you probably guessed it) Valentine. And who is St. Valentine? He was a saint back in the day who was imprisoned by the Roman Empire because he preformed weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry.
Anyways, blah blah blah, wrote a letter to the daughter of his jailer before his execution and signed it with “Your Valentine,” blah blah blah. Christian churches also celebrate his feat with the Feast of Saint Valentine, blah blah blah.
Yeah, that’s probably all the history lesson we need.
But here in America, Valentine’s Day is more of a commercial celebration instead of a religious stature. Like I said, on V-Day (I know, it sounds like a horrible STD, ironic right) singles are reminded of their singleness (Valentine’s Day AKA Singles Appreciation Day), and couples try to outdo one another; framing their courtship via social media.
Lets say it’s V-Day morning and you decide to wake up and browse your news feed and lo and behold, your news feed is dominated with couples doing couply things, pictures bragging their love and valentine gifts are in your fucking face telling you they have someone and you don’t. But you can’t be mad at them, it’s not their fault that they’re annoying the love out of you . . . oh wait, no, it is their fucking fault!
Elite Daily has some examples of these habits you’re doomed to encounter on social media:
Check out their three examples of people you will see on V-day, its pretty spot on.
Social media is not the only place where you will encounter Valentine’s Day frustrations. Once you step out of your dark and lonely room and into the love tainted world of Feb. 14, you will run into couples, lovey dovey couples, everything is painted fucking pink and red with false shaped hearts every-fucking-where, alongside the war-zone of cupids’ arrow. And prepare for the worst when approaching young love birds. At first, they will seem cute and warming. . . and then once their innocent love is tainted by lust and pornographic heathenism, you cannot help but avert your eyes!
Here is Guyism telling us 7 of the Worst Things about Couples:
http://guyism.com/humor/worst-things-couples.html#1-7-of-the-worst-things-about-couples
I probably agree with number 4: PDA the most. Especially in enclosed environment, such as public transportation, is the fucking worst. Seriously, we’re on the bus and not a fucking rave, take your hands out of her pants and stop trying to eat your partners face. You don’t need to show me your “love” on the MUNI because it’s fucking disgusting. PUT YOUR TONGUE BACK INTO YOUR MOUTH AND SAVE IT FOR HOME!!! I don’t care if in the comfort of your own home you cats like to make out or practice the Australian Kiss (a kiss from down under), just not next to me on the bus. The SF MUNI is already vomitous and full of diseases; I don’t need to worry about catching anything else.
Well, all of that said, we single people are not the beez-knezz either. Yea yea, we are reminded that we’re single and (imagine me saying this in a hippy-hipster voice) “Valentine’s Day is a lame consumerist holiday made up by the card companies” blah blah blah . . . but we can’t help but feel left out in all of cupids’ magic: so we hate.
Here are some people who felt left out of the magic and tried to make up for it (and probably some of these are parodies):
http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6952530/13-baes-caught-slippin-this-valentines-day
Or, you could be one of those people who’s actually in a relationship but actually wanna break up with your partner because you hate Valentine’s Day – or you secretly hate them – but you’re too pussy to break up with them so you just ride it out. . . I guess you can take some helpful hints from Jimmy Tatro on how to instead of breaking up with your partner, you can annoy them in breaking up with you:
Seriously, watch this video. Fucking. Brotastic.
But V-day is really a day to celebrate love with your partner. I mean sure, you can rebut that you don’t need a day to show your love, but fuck it, you don’t need a day to give presents but you have Christmas; you don’t need a day to get super drunk while your friends try to kill you with free alcohol but you have birthdays; you don’t need a day to randomly drunkenly kiss a stranger but we have New Years; you don’t need a. . . I’ll probably just stop here.
Oh, here’s a tip guys: If your girl, or whatever she is, says to you that she doesn’t wanna do anything for Valentine’s Day then she’s a FUGGING liar. She’s just saying that so the words Valentine’s Day is in your head. Just do something, if anything something small. Shit, get her a Happy Meal. Just something.
Death Cab for Cutie will explain my emo feelings for this day:
My friend Juno posted something on my Facebook wall with the caption of #ForeverAlone to remind me of my Valentine’s Day defeat.
And yes, he has a girlfriend, and yes, he is a douchebag.
But the link he posted up was a Facebook study stating that San Francisco is the worst place to try and obtain a relationship. Hmm wait, I currently live in San Francisco . . . shit.
http://www.theverge.com/2014/2/13/5408968/facebook-relationships-singles-data
Oh well, you can’t depend on Facebook for everything. But I can try and beat the odds. I guess if I wanna get into a “relationship,” according to Facebook, I’m either gonna have to move to Colorado or somehow con a woman in getting into a relationship with me and passing the benchmark of three months. Seems easy enough.
Personally I like Valentine’s Day and would love to ravish some girl with my courtship n’ all-up-in-that. But sadly I’m single and do not have anyone to give my seed **cough** I mean my gifts, to. I guess I could do what I did last year and take a friend out on a Valentine’s Day date and throw money around just say I did something . . . or I can gather a group of single people my age and say FUCK IT and go to a rave. . . I think I’m gonna do the latter (:P)
-Till next time and hopefully you wrap your tool and not get an STD this V-Day, Sype.
-PS, here are some funny anti-Valentine’s Day gifts from Buzzfeed:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/buzz/Anti-Valentines_Day_Gifts
-PPS, I love bad bit***s and that’s my fucking problem. –A$AP Rocky
A Bros Quick Tips to Working Out for Festivals
Alright Bros, with festival season quickly approaching us, or here with EDC just a few hours away, we have to kick our asses in high gear and whip it in shape!
Let’s look at this, so you wanna get girls like her:
So you realize that you need to look like this:
However, you look like this 😦
But have no fear, here are some simple things that you can either do at the gym or around your house to get into that ripped, sweaty abs showing, buff-fist-pumping shape to get the “Bytches.”
First workout that I recommend is the pushup. Every bro out there loves chest, which is why every testosterone-pump-jockey hounds the bench. But you don’t need a bench to have a nice chest; all you need is the ground and your body.
The great thing about pushups is that it doesn’t only work out your chest, but it also works out your shoulders, back, triceps, and yes, the ever so mighty core. When you’re benching, the bench takes away from working your core and just focuses on your bigger muscles, neglecting the smaller muscles that is needed to hold everything together. When you are in a pushup position, you force your core to use itself to hold still, which also engages your back muscles. And this is just from holding that position alone. Remember, the missionary position is basically a plank, or a push-up position; you’re not gonna bench a girl during sex.
“Oh Airec, if I only do pushups, my chest won’t get bigger.”
Maybe your chest won’t get bigger, but it will be more toned. And do you really need a big chest at a rave anyways? You’re trying to look RIPPED here, not match-that-hot-chick-next-to-you bra-size.
Second workout I would suggest is the pull-up. The pull-up is great because it works out your shoulders, back, biceps, and forearms. There many different ways to do a pull-up. You can do overhand or underhand grip, close grip or wide. Of course the different grip and width of your pull-up will target and shape your back differently. I’m not gonna go into the different kinda pull-ups, but you can click on the hyperlink and explore it yourself.
The reason why I believe pull-ups are important is because when you are dancing and a girl is checking you out (AKA creeping from afar), it’s from either the side or the back. Usually the back as you’re fist pumping away to LEVELS (bro). So when she’s checking you out, you want her to think “damn, that guy gots a nice back,” not “damn, you can see his flab vibrate every time he fist pumps. It kinda goes to the beat.” This way the longer her eyes are on you, you have a higher chance of catching her predatory glare when you turn around.
A third workout that is super important is squats. Friends don’t let friends miss leg days. Think about it, at a festival you’re always on your feet, jumping around, or “shuffling.” I put that in quotations because come on guys, when we’re seeing an artist (drunk or sober) we all jump around and move our feet. We like to think we are shuffling although we are just jumping around like dumb-asses hoping that everyone else would understand your spastic leg movements as shuffling. (I do this all the time.) If your butt is too sore, just jump around. WORK OUT THOSE CALVES!!!
Also, another important thing about doing squats, or lower body workouts in general, is your ability to hoist a girl onto your shoulders. I mean come on guys, we have all been there. Whether there is a random cutie around or a girl that you’re into, you wanna show her how awesomely strong you are and hope that she asks you to put her on your shoulders. This way you can impress her with your strength as she admires the crowd from a skyline view and all the other bros can respect your strength.
So do those squats, make that ass clap.
These three workouts should help you out for festivals. If you do these workouts with high reps and increase frequency to increase heart rate, then you’ll be burning away your beer belly in no time.
Now I’m not saying that these three workouts are the only things that you should only do. Of course throw in some abdominal exercises, cardio, and the piece de resistance, arm workouts (suns out guns out baby). Gotta make sure those abs are rock hard just in case you wanna wipe the sweat off your face with the bottom of your tank exposing your abs discreetly. We’ve all been there bro, yadda mean.
Obviously I’m not a kinesiology major, or a doctor, like my partner KokoKai, so you can take what I say with a grain, or a canister, of salt. I’m not in the best shape ever, but I still know a little bit of helpful advice. This is what has worked out for my friends and I so I just wanted to share some of it with you, with some additional (panda) commentary. Plus you don’t want to be that awkward guy at a festival telling your in-shape friends to put on their tank/shirts just because they have abs and you don’t . . . I’ve been there before.
So good luck hunting my fellow bros, #tanktoptime
-Sype
P.S. Don’t forget cardio and diet, workouts are nothing without a good foundation of cardio and diet.
P.S.S. But that doesn’t mean stop eating your fave food or drinking beer, cuz I know I enjoy shitty food and beer (;P)
NEW WORD: Inbrospective
Inbrospective: [in.BRO.spec.tive]
(Adjective)
– A word derived from introspective
– The act of reflecting upon oneself through the eyes and mentality of a BRO and realizing something that you didn’t before. Then feeling the euphoria of how fuckin’ awesome you are.
Inside the Dark Minds of Koko and Airec 