Bros

A little Humor Before Gay Pride San Francisco

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By Airec Sype.

As many knows by now, Trevor Noah will be replacing Jon Stewart on The Daily Show later this year on September 28th. Noah will be the 3rd person to succeed a host for the show and the fans were not too happy when they heard the announcement. You can read this Huffington Post article on what Stewart ha to say about Noah and why the fans were outraged, but I’m here to talk about the video of his standup that I shared.

Pride week is upon us in San Francisco, and this weekend is about to be crazy. I work in a “tourist” restaurant so I’ve been preparing for the chaos that is about to unfold: there will be drunk people in short shorts (mainly dudes rocking out with their c*cks out), out of towners coming into SF f*cking the city up, leaving a rainbow puke trail that’s composed from many and countless dance parties with music ranging from hip-hop to funky house.

Just to be clear, I don’t hate what Pride stands for, I just hate how the city is trashed with people who don’t respect the cause. For example, someone got shot two years ago at the parade party at Civic Center. That doesn’t seem too prideful to me . . . well thats a different kinda pride.

So to mentally prepare myself for this upcoming weekend, I like to have a few laughs. I saw this video today and had to share it to the world (of blogging). Noah recounts his journey in Zambia and tells us how it’s a crime to be gay. He paints a funny picture; especially the idea of a gay crime force taking down undercover gays (or G-Foroce or G-Unit for short).

Please don’t take any offense from it. He doesn’t mean no harm and neither do I. I played football so I’ve done a little towel whip or ass slap or c*ck sucking pantomimes. No homo. I kid, but I do have respect for those who have embraced themselves and chosen to come out of the closet; I’m straight and I don’t hate gay or lesbian people. Well I love lesbians . . . but that’s besides the point.

I wanna make a shout-out to two of my homosexual #Bros4Life, Bryan Chu and Lance Blair. Chu is an amazing gymnast and borderline ninja (also an amazing writer, but shhh don’t tell him that.) Blair, well, I hate that guy, his dark skin, pretty face, ripped abs. I hate/love (no homo ;p) him, but he is one awesome dude. Two of the coolest gay bros I know.

image

*That white guy isn’t one of the two.

If y’all do decide to take part of San Francisco Pride, please be safe and don’t trash the city. I know I’ll be out there in support of all my G-Bros out there. No hate y’all, equality for all!!! Yeah, I know that was lame. If you don’t know what to do for Pride and need some pointers, check out BuzzFeed list of 16 tips for a successful weekend.

Also, a bonus video since we’re talking about gay bros, here is a classic LifeAccordingToJimmy video called “Pinky Promise.” Gotta love that classic middle school question, “Does your dad know you’re gay?” Super funny. Bro.

 

 

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Bros v. Pros: The Mens Guide to EDC While Trying Not To Be a Douchebag

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I know not really, but during festival season this becomes more and more true
I know not really, but during festival season this becomes more and more true

By: Sype.

With only just a few days till the Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas, I think it’s time for me to provide some BROs v. PROs tips from my six years of attendance (embarking on my 7th year down the rabbit hole this year). This will be a continuation of my partner, Koko’s, blog post, “Hoes vs Pros: An Empowering Women’s Guide to EDC 2014.” So make sure you check her post out as well, she has a bit more information for the ladies than I do.

Before I continue on with this long laundry list of BROs vs PROs do’s and don’ts, I would like to say a DISCLAIMER!: I am not an expert in any field, except for the field of disappointing my Asian parents (which is why I created the hashtag #sorryasianparents), so I would like you to read this with a grain of salt; especially the BRO tips, those are to be taken lightly. These are things that I’m doing and that have worked for me in the past. I don’t want you hurting yourself or others and be coming after ME for it. I don’t wanna get sued.

(Asian accent) One more ting, I want to emphasize on the element of friends: The people you surround yourself with at EDC can make or break your experience. Make sure you trust the right people and make sure your friends are there for you and you for them. I know from experience that sometimes in the lowest of lows, your best friend can become your biggest enemy. EDC has shown me some of my friends’ true colors and it has affected those bonds, so pick your friends wisely.

The final group picture of EDC 2013 as the sun was rising.
The final group picture of EDC 2013 as the sun was rising.

Now let’s begin.

BEFORE EDC

DIET/Exercise

im still not in the best shape now but im trying. And I cut out my friend Grumpy Cat from the picture haha.
im still not in the best shape now but im trying. And I cut out my friend Grumpy Cat from the picture haha.

Usually everyone, from the moment you buy your ticket and even from the moment you leave the speedway the final day of EDC 2013, you think about how for the next EDC you’re gonna be in better shape. And if you’re already in better shape, you want to be in even better shape.

BRO TIP: Alright bros, it’s almost time for EDC and you wanna be  swoll as fu*k. So how do you get there? It’s time to take some pre-workouts and magic diet pills where you can workout and eat as much as you want. Do a bunch of bicep workouts and chest flies, show them other betas and bitches that you’re a mutha effin Alpha at this rave. Suns out, guns out.

PRO TIP: Well, the best advice is to watch your diet. Sure you workout, but that only gives you a little leeway and doesn’t excuse you from eating whatever you want. You can chose to diet however you want, just make sure you listen to your body to avoid pushing your “weight loss” to harmful limits. Eat right and do a lot of cardio; trust me, your lungs will appreciate this.

REMEMBER: Supplements are there to help you, not build a magic body with no foundation. Supplements can help you obtain your goal of getting into better shape, but once you’re in Vegas and journeyed through the 3 days of EDC, workout supplements aren’t gonna be of much use. Your body is going to go through 3 days (even more days since you’re gonna be in Vegas for more than those 3 days of EDC) of partying, and a supplements-fueled body is going to be reduced to its basic form.

Also, I’ve been doing a lot of leg workouts to help me prepare for all the jumping that will occur. So DON’T SKIP LEG DAYS: lots of squats, calf raises, and of course body weight jump squats. You’ll never know when you’re gonna put that hottie that you’ve been eying all night on your shoulders for a ride so she can see her favorite DJs from a sky view.

lifting chicks up on the Golden Gate Bridge
lifting chicks up on the Golden Gate Bridge

Asides from diet and exercising, REST is really important. Your body cannot heal itself, nor lose the weight you desire unless you get rest. A good amount of rest is just as important as an E-stack.

Cpt. A and Tiny Ginger passed out at 6am in Vegas
Cpt. A and Tiny Ginger passed out at 6am in Vegas

Supplies/Attire: Stuff will get destroyed so be prepared to lose shit.

Life always favors the well prepared. I forgot who said that, or maybe that is just grinded into my brain because I’m Asian and we always like to plan things, iono.

BRO TIP: Tanks, sunglasses, dr*g, money, tickets, hoes. All. You. Need.

I mean, you can't fit all of these in your fanny-pack but you get the idea.
I mean, you can’t fit all of these in your fanny-pack but you get the idea.

PRO TIP: You don’t want to wear some flashy Nikes to EDC, you want to wear something that is comfortable to jump around in or something that you wouldn’t mind destroying. Trust me, after 3 days in the Speedway your going to want to throw those shoes out with all the dusk and holes (not to mention all the urine or other humanly fluids that you will have stepped on in the port-a-potty) that they will accumulated.

PRO TIP: You also can’t show off those awesome (or in my case awkward-standing-and-twitching) dance moves without the proper bottoms. Shorts are usually ideal for this kind of situation, especially in the heat of Vegas. Sometimes I would wear hipster jeans that I cut off at knee length (they show off my nice ass and hard calves baby). But make sure you chose the right kind of jeans. The first time I tried this I used Abercrombie jeans . . . horrible mistake. The ones that work for me are Levis jeans, they are a bit more elastic and comfortable. If you have a pair of raver pants, by all means wear ‘em if you can stand the heat.

PRO TIP: You shouldn’t care about how you dance, IT’S EDC and no one else is going to care. This is a judgment free zone where you can express freely through your own form of dance. Go ahead and let loose, have some fun; move your arms and jump around. You’ve waited a whole 365 days for this and you can’t let someone judgments weight you down! Be yourself and the fun will follow.

REMEMBER: Although EDC is the main reason why you’re in Vegas, it’s important to bring some “Vegas” clothes just in case you decide to hit up a club. It never hurts to look nice.

REMINDER: It’s also really important that you bring some comfortable clothes. That Vegas heat will kill you if you don’t prepare for it. Plus, you don’t want to be sweating balls I’m sure.

PRO TIP: The Fanny-Pack! I know that some people make fun of me for wearing a fanny-pack at raves, but come-on, they’re so useful. You can put stuff in it like cigarettes, maps, water-bottles, lighters, iono whatever, in it so you won’t feel discomfort while twitching around at EDC. Other useful fanny-pack items are Vicks, gum, and chapstick. Well, if you go to raves then I don’t really need to explain this one. You might have to sneak some of these stuff in so guys, I recommend clenching ’em between your balls. But make sure to wrap some kind of tissue paper around ’em so when you actually use these illicit items, they won’t be smelling the your ball-sweat. (Side Story: Juno and I during EDC 2009 snuck in Vicks vapor rub sticks and our entire group ended up partaking it’s menthol aura . . . so in a non-direct way, we kinda t-bagged our friends.)

PRO TIP: Extra supplies like cigs, chapstick, Vicks, candy, whatever, are great tools for making new friends. Offer some to those in need and a friend will be made in the exchange.

BRO TIP: Use em to get hoes!

PRO TIP: Avoid being selective to those in need and (when you can) avoid being a douchebag (I know I sometimes don’t think and fall to this trait.)

Snacks are important, especially if you’re broke or just don’t wanna leave your hotel room. Bring something easy to chew- y’all know this one, right? Another thing that I like to bring is a meal replacement shake or something like Ensure or Slim-fast. You don’t really have to listen to this one, but I recommend it. In those times of post-hungover-don’t-want-to-eat EDC moments, these shakes are easy to digest and has lots of protein, carbs, fiber, and calories that your body is desperately needing due to 12 hours of raging with alcohol and other party favors.

!!!IN EDC!!!

6 of 70, the first of us to enter in EDC 2013 Day 3
6 of 70, the first of us to enter in EDC 2013 Day 3

Scheduling

BRO TIP: Walk in with your bros after a hard pregame because shit aint cheap at EDC. Pregame your dome off and try to meet some cuties on the shuttle buses; get them digits. Then you walk in with your bros and find some hoes to grind on. F*ck the timesluts (timeslots)! LETS GET FU*KED UP!!!

PRO TIP: Solidify your schedule. I like to make sure I know who I’m seeing and who else wants to enjoy those DJs with me. When I go to EDC, it’s for the music and the experience, not to get laid. Well, I mean if I meet an awesome girl then I guess that’s a little extra. So I like to make sure I look at the time slots to make sure I know where I’m going and my friends know where I’m going to be.

PRO TIP: Since I don’t have a smart phone and just a flip-phone (this is because I’m poor and I’m spending all my money at raves), I like to text myself and my friends the car’s location. The parking lot of the Speedway is gridded so each section of the parking lot has a specific spot.

BRO TIP: Just get into EDC as fast as you can so you don’t miss anything. It doesn’t matter if you don’t remind yourself where your car is, just get in! If you do lose your car, just aimlessly wander around in the dark parking-lot. You’ll find the car . . . eventually.

PRO TIP: Make sure everyone in your car has each-others’ numbers and a specific time  and place of where to meet up. This happened to me last year when my phone died and my iTouch didn’t have my friend, Cpt. Ahab’s, number. This caused a lot of frustration. You can also write down important numbers and important (hotel) addresses on a card and keep it in your wallet. This also depends on you NOT LOSING SHIT!!!

PRO TIP: Have a meeting spot. If your festival group is as big as mine, about 70 people big #ZipperSquad, then you will need to have designated meet up times. Last year we usually did every 3 hours or so. This will help on group pictures. We all know that one person in the group, or in my group 5 unnamed girls, that loves to take group pictures all the time. This way you can help them complete this Xbox achievement now instead of hearing them nag about not being able to take a group picture later.

raving bring us together

PRO TIP: MAKE SURE YOU GUYS AGREE ON A MEET UP SPOT! Last year my group was suppose to meet up at the Zipper ride, but little did we know that there were TWO DIFFERENT ZIPPER RIDES! With the lack of telecommunications, a bunch of us kept appearing at different Zippers. Which then cause us to run around from one end of EDC to another. One of the negatives that this meet up situation is that the meet up could be during one of your favored DJ sets. You gotta pick and choose on what you want to do; I can’t choose for you.

Getting LOST!!!

BRO TIP: If you lose your friends then try and find a hoe. If you can’t find a hoe then FREAK THE F*CK OUT!!!

PRO TIP: Chances are you will lose people, or you yourself will get lost. So it’s important to keep track of your friends. I’ve seen some couples wearing chains made up of kandi before in the past. That’s a good idea . . . if you’re dating them! DO NOT engage in that kind of commitment (I know I hate commitment of any kind, ask the few girls I’ve tried dating) if you are not dating that person or not wanting to . . . how do I say this . . . have a magical evening with he/she. You can also hold hands with someone while traveling through crowds, but we all know bros don’t hold hands, it’s in our masculinity manual. I mean, I’m not homophobic but bros usually just don’t hold hands with bros . . . unless you’re a gay bro, then you can hold whatever you want. But I’ll hold your hand Lance (;P)

PRO TIP: If you do get lost, then I just enjoy it. Some of my most fun moments was when I got lost at EDC and wander abouts by myself. Try to enjoy the experience and don’t freak out. If you remember your meetup times then you should be safe. Also, try to make some new friends out of this. Mostly everyone at EDC is friendly and knows that (mostly) everyone is there to enjoy the magical wonderland of the Electric Daisy Carnival.

NEW FRWEND!!!!
NEW FRWEND!!!!

GIRLS!!!!! Why men do sh*t that they don’t want

GRIND BABY GRIND!!!
GRIND BABY GRIND!!!

BRO TIP: When looking for a mate, it’s easier to find the most fugged up one. If she’s trippin’ when shes a walkin’ then you best be stalking. Once you find that hot babe where you think her E and C needs your D to complete her set, then you just keep eying her, make sure she knows you’re staring at her. You can either try using one of these sweet pick-up lines from LessThan3 or follow my simple bro-oves. First, you slowly start pumping your fist towards her. As you get near her make sure she smells your man juice. After she notices your presence, take her from behind with a sneaky back-attack like the Alpha you are and start grinding on that ass. If she doesn’t like it then it’s not your fault, she’s probably a slut anyways. Repeat. Done.

PRO TIP: Despite my lack of knowledge with girls (most of the time I try to act as if girls don’t even like me), I know it’s not a good idea to knife a random girl from behind. I mean, yeah sure it has worked for me in the past, but not every girl likes to be grinded on with your cubby; as BuzzFeed explains to us why grinding can be unpleasant. Well, unless you look like Channing Tatum of course, then you can grind on whatever girl is willing. So I had to ask Koko for this part of the tips. She says that it is important to make sure the girl notices you first before sneaking up on her from behind, and that it’s best to converse with her before trying to ask for some bump & grind. She says that it’s even better to ask a girl to dance. Also remember guys, dancing with a girl does not mean any grinding has to be involved, you can still dance with a girl and not have your lusting semi rubbing all up against her.

PRO TIP: If a girl rejects your invitation to dance or hook up, make sure you respect her decision. It doesn’t make her a slut if she chooses not to participate in your lustful intention. However, if she does reject you for being, oh iono, Asian or having a flip-phone, then maybe (just a little bit) she might be a bitch.

And remember girls, not every guy who approach you is trying to get into your pants (maybe). Try to make a friend out of it. And if the guy is a creep then just tell him to leave. This blog article by Eberhardt Smith, titled “Stop Saying “I Have a Boyfriend”” offers some good advice in this field. If he continues to aggressively pursue or if he calls you names, then remember that you have about 100,000 friends who will help you out of the situation. A real gentleman will respect you for your body as well as your mind.

END OF THE DAY 

Leaving EDC

Rave Zombies . . . EVERYWHERE!!!!
Rave Zombies . . . EVERYWHERE!!!!

BRO TIP: GET THE F*CK OUT OF THERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN. F*CK EVERYONE ELSE AND SAVE YOURSELF FROM THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!

PRO TIP: Make sure you have all of your stuff before leaving. If you happen to lose something, walk over to lost & found to see if they have your stuff. Also, make sure your friends are with you.

PRO TIP: Make sure you refill your water bottles and use the bathroom before you leave, it’s going to be one long dreadful ride back to the hotel.

BRO TIP: If you need to pee, just go off the side of the road. F*ck the police.

Back at the Hotel

BRO TIP: Stop being such a p*ssy and drink up, snort up, and get ready to hit the pool parties. Since you didn’t eat anything and just danced for 12 hours straight, you’re gonna look hella ripped bro.

REMINDER: Girls always have a cheap ticket for pool parties, or free at times. Guys, you’re kinda f*cked on this one. Unless you know a promoter. But then again, EVERYONE is a promoter in Vegas. So try and get tickets in advance by searching for pool-parties online. Here is Global Dance Electronic list.

PRO TIP: After a solid night of raging it’s important to eat & rest. Even if you nap for 3 hours, it’s still more important than pounding a Red Bull and heading off to a pool party. I mean by all means attend a pool party, but make sure you’re in the right condition to do so.

Getting that well needed rest under the table
Getting that well needed rest under the table

Well, after powering through this you can take my “PRO” advice or just simply laugh along with my BRO-vice. Just remember that it’s important to put your health first. You can “live it up” or “YOLO,” but make sure your body can handle it. You’re at EDC to have fun, not die and END EDC for all of us. Also make sure your friends around you are safe and in good health as well. I know some of us festival goers like to partake in party favors, but don’t be afraid to approach the medic tent. Your life is more important than getting in trouble by mom and dad for partaking in the festival dark side. Insomniac has a list of do’s and don’ts as well, take a look at ’em. But just remember, always be a PRO raver and not (just) a BRO.

Here is this year’s teaser trailer:

The National Delivers a Majestic Performance at The Greek

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a little something i wrote with the help of my bros daniel and jose for our experience at The National and Portugal. the Man show at our blog Brosters

BroSters

Daniel, Me and Jose at the Greek for the National and Portugal the Man show after we got our overpriced beers and hotdogs. Daniel, Me and Jose at the Greek for the National and Portugal the Man show after we got our overpriced beers and hotdogs.

By Airec Sype, Jose and Daniel

Note: I’m still waiting for better pictures and videos since I only have a crappy iTouch

The National along with Portugal. the Man delivered a mind-blowing musical experience at The Greek Theater in Berkley, Cali., last weekend. Already having seen Portugal. the Man last December and broiling with enormous expectations for The National, I was mentally preparing myself for an awesome night of indie music with two of my best bros: Jose and Daniel.

I was prepared to go full hipster that Saturday night (although Jose hates it when I say that).

The Greek, whose full-legal-Google-Maps name is The William Randolph Hearst Greek Theater, is located on the UC Berkley campus. Actually to be precise, this legendary music venue is located…

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My Disinterest in Today’s Society’s Interest in the Act of the Personal Portrait Called the #Selfie

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This is how girls looks like while taking a selfie . . . we do make a bunch of ugly girls.
This is how girls looks like while taking a selfie . . . we do make a bunch of ugly girls.

This is Airec Sype here letting you know that I HATE SELFIES!

Seriously, Je*us. Ever since Instagram pop’d up on every smart phone, every mother effer in the world is taking selfies.

Now, if you’re a hot chick and want to show the world how hot you are in your skimpy and delicious outfit for the night or if you wanna show your hot & sweaty body after the gym with your abs straight flexing then sure, take a selfie. I know as much as the next guy we would love to see your tight body so we can conduct a forum with our bros the next day to debate about how much we’ve thought about spank-banking you. But please, only take one selfie. I know that you’re in a club bathroom looking fine, but I don’t know how I can handle seeing 20 selfies of you and your bi*ches out on a night of vodka and bathroom bl*w.

Well, I guess the only exception for my selfie rule is if you’re like ridiculously hot or if you’re a celebrity, then fuggin selfie away. But remember, not all of us can be as hot as the Chainsmokers “#Selfie” chicks.

haha, hashtag bitches. It’s in the video so don’t attack me.

And guys, why are you taking selfies? I think as a man I don’t really have to explain this. I mean sure, if you’re at some event or place of importance during some kind of revolutionary time such as EDC or a riot or if you just wanna take a quick selfie of you laying down pipe just so you can prove it to your bros later . . . then sure, take a selfie. But don’t take selfies if you just woke up or if you think you look “fly” for some freshmen-sororosluts party tonight. You might as well send dickpics . . . take notes on this parody video:

I guess get “some bl*w” and “take another dickpic” . . . Make sure you’re the “Edwardsissor hands of pubes” so you don’t have the “hipster bush.”

But all in all, I’m not your master, you can do whatever the fugg you want. Take selfies, just . . . I don’t know how to end this. Just . . . GAHHH I don’t like selfies.

On a side note: Yes, not all men but about 99.9 percent of males are perverts and have a spank-bank. Don’t judge us, just accept us for who we are.

Back to the topic at hand: If you keep on taking selfies you might get kicked in the face like this stupid kid:

“He kicked me in the head?” he said after receiving a boot to the face. Of course you did, that’s what you get for taking a #selfie.

-Sype

P.S. Snapchat users, you guys look like eff idiots when you make those stupid faces on the MUNI or when you’re walking to class and documenting it in a video to send to your “bytches.”

P.S.S. Girls please continue taking hot selfies of yourselves and your girls so we guys can discuss your choice of attire the next day.

Bros Insight on the Oscars: Broscars

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Now that the Oscar hangover is said for and done, it’s time to really look back at the 86th Academy Awards. Oh wait, I didn’t watch it.

It’s not that I think the Oscars is stupid, or useless, nor do I believe it represents every single Americans view of “Best Picture.” I know when I think of kick-ass movies that are superbly badass none of the Oscar nominees are on my list. To be honest here, I had always thought that the Oscars and Academy Awards were two different award shows . . . I guess it goes to show how much I pay attention to this kinda stuff . . . like high fashion, pff.

Well shit, it’s not like they have any of my favorite movies on the nominated list. I mean, was American Pie (1-Reunion) or Friday Night Lights or Warrior nominated. Even in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences –or the AMPAS for short, the people who oversees and runs the Oscars- attempts to include more of the vast movie consumers of America by adding different nominated categories, the AMPAS failed to include such animated films like Evangelion 1.11-3.33. For those of you who don’t know, Evangelion is an anime about giant robots killing giant aliens. Kind of like what Pacific Rim is about, actually it is entirely what Pacific Rim is about. But the anime came first. And Pacific Rim is a badass movie so I can’t complain. (Just as one more rant, I think Paul Rudd or Sean Williams Scott should win a fugging Oscar. Just saying.)

In short, I respect the Oscars, or the Academy Awards, or whatever you choose to name that golden phallic trophy, but I do not care for it. I know some people love it and even have viewing parties for it, but come on. It’s just a bunch of people talking about how grateful they are for winning an award for a movie and thanking everyone and their mammas. For Tim Tebows sake, it’s not like it’s the Superbowl or anything. Now that is something that you should give a shit for. Sports baby *kisses my bicep*

CollegeHumor posted a video of what the Oscars would look like if it was not ran by the AMPAS but instead by FratBros: The BrOscars. It’s fugging awesome. Watch it:

)

With award categories such as ‘Most Jacked’ and ‘Best Funny Ass Part’ (and many others), this is an award show that you should watch. Or rather (mainly) I would watch. All it’s missing is ‘Hottest Chick in a Movie’ and ‘Baddest Bitch.’ I can smell its greatness.

However, despite my lack of superior interest in the Oscars, also the fact that I did not watch the Oscars nor did I have time (would rather go to the gym or bars or read or masturbate or something), the internet did have some awesome things to say about it.

Mashable complied 20 Weirdest Things at the Oscars. Some of it is cool and some of it is alright I guess. It’s not as much as weird but more of ‘Celebrities Doing Stuff that Seems Cool!’ Jennifer Lawrence falling down was kind of funny though. And that whole selfie thing was just over-hyped. I don’t get why the internet was so jizzy over a bunch of celebs in a “selfie” picture. I think most selfies are overrated anyways . . . unless it contains a girl in yoga pants; then we have a different story.

Lawrence  alone is a whole mess of weird, and dorky, and hot. I mean like really hot. But kinda crazy hot. Like if you broke up with her she will show up at your work place and tell all of your co-workers that you suck at sex and might stand outside of your window, kinda crazy hot. But in the end she’s still pretty fugging hot. Maybe it’s that ‘I’m a badass’ and ‘I do what I want’ kind of attitude that she has that skyrockets her level of hotness above others. I don’t know but I’m getting off track here. But we should look at what BuzzFeed has to say about her 19 Best Moments at the Oscars.

We can’t talk about this year’s Oscars without mentioning Leonardo DiCaprio. He is a 4 time loser of the Oscars. But should this lack of a phallic statue discredit him as a badass actor? Naw brah. Elitedaily has a funny (one of those funnies where you laugh at your friends when they get hurt or turned down at a party kind of funny) complication of DiCaprio’s face when he is told a familiar tale of losing, again. Hell, in this complication, you can see the field day that the internet had with memes of DiCaprios lost. Tough luck. Kind of how I felt when I was runner up for the Mr. Ranger competition in high school, almost was like homecoming king. You don’t even know man.

One funny thing that I did see on Facebook though was when 12 a Slave won best picture and my friend Joe’s comment: “Hey, sorry for slavery, take this Oscar as a token of our sympathy and gratitude for helping to build America.” I don’t know if this is true or if this can be proven, so I could only respond with something slightly racist: “#WhiteGuilt” And for those of you wondering, yes Joe is African-American.

So there you have it, the Oscars, just a bunch of celebrities and a select group of movie critics stroking each other off as they try to one up each other movies. Until movies like Hot Tube Time Machine or 300 gets nominated and thrown into that snub mix, I’m not gonna watch it . . . unless my future wife forces me to. I’m pretty easily whipped as my friend Juno knows.

-Until next time, Sype.

PS, Give Sean William Scott an award already.

A Bros Insight to ‘Her’: Along with Subconscious Hipsterisms

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Her

Along with subconscious hipsterisms

A few days ago, my bromigo, Jose, and I decided to spend our evening watching the new Spike Jonze film, Her. Now it’s perfectly normal for two heterosexual males to watch a sci-fi romance movie, it’s not gay.

Seriously, not gay; we men have an emotional side too, with feelings and shit.

A Quick Recap of the Movie:

            Written and directed by Spike Jonze, Her is a complicated movie where Theodore Twombly, played by actor Joaquin Phoenix, falls in-love with his operating software, or O.S., after suffering a heart-breaking divorce.

Or according to my inner-bro, Her is a movie where some loser hipster falls in-love with his Apple computer (probably since he’s a hipster and all) that sounds like Scarlett Johansson (and nothing like the realistic Siri, that little smart-mouth-twat) and wants to bang it but can’t and can only creepy and weirdly vocal-bang it.

her status

Broster-view (Broster = Hipster + Bro):

            Let me start off by saying, still not gay.

THE END OF THIS POST CONTAINS PARODY VIDEOS of Her, or you can just skip to the end if you don’t wanna hear a bro complain about #hipsterproblems.

My first reaction to the movie,as ripped from my Facebook comment:

“i like it. it was chill. felt like everyone in the movie shopped at american apparel or urban outfitters. but it was a good movie. i wouldnt watch it again tho. it was too depressing for me. but it does show the true concept and troubles of love. super hipster tho man. like fucking hipster as fuck. but it was done really well and was good. but super fuckin hipster. like emo hipster. but good. but hipster. but also really good. i hope this redundant review of the movie helped you. just fuckin watch it.”

But anyways, Her is surprisingly a very good movie. Yeah, it’s kinda weird (pretty fucking weird actually), but it’s a good movie. It has a very hipster-esk quality to it. Everyone has mustaches and looks as if everyone shopped at American Apparel or Urban Outfitters. Seriously, not a bro was in sight. I didn’t know that in the future, Hipster-Apparel has dominated the clothing market and people only wore high wasted slacks with a fully buttoned-up shirt. And oh yeah, EVERYONE HAS A MUSTACHE!

And don’t even get me started on the computers. It looks as if Apple had defeated the P.C.s in the great computer war in the future. I mean, the movie did not specify what kinda computer that universe was using, but it sure as hell looked like G.D. Apple.

Despite this whole complex-futuristic-concept of a man trying to finger-bang (as well as cock-bang) his O.S., it does raise some important philosophical questions about love. I wouldn’t say it’s a new concept since movies like Weird Science and Catfish had previously explored this “Man loves Computer” theme. Well, Catfish might be a different scenario since its some lady pretending to be somebody else, but it does have a lonely depressed guy falling in love with a computer screen in the mask of Facebook.

Random tangents aside, the question that I was confronted with after seeing this movie is if love belonged to just us humans in a form of mind and flesh, or is it a more universal emotion that only requires the ability of thought and desire?

I personally do not know the answer to that question because there has been relationships in the world that have been solely built on online dating and weird World of Warcraft marriages and shit. And I don’t really know jack-shit about love.

Here is what my friend Cameron has to say about the movie:

“i really liked Her. i feel like it spoke to something inside of me, on a more primal level about what it really means to connect with other beings and how limited our minds can be when it comes to who we decide to connect with/let into our lives, and what defines a true genuine connection for that matter as well.”

Aside from the hipster-accepted-form-of-insanity-love in the movie (if you saw the movie you would get that last jumble of words), some awkward parts in this movie are the sex scenes. When Twombly first have online sex (which reminds me of a not-so-distant-past of AOL Instant Messenger “cybering”) in a chat room, you are left kinda freaked out after a cat gets thrown into the mix, followed by tears of either joy or subconscious unresolved sexual problems. It was definitely weird, but funny. But weird fosho. It was also super hipster tho. I could imagine some hipster people drinking PBR in a tiny apartment in the Mission saying, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you can have online sex with a girl and her cat somehow gets involved.” And especially the first sex scene between the A.I., Samantha, and Twombly, it’s super uncomfortable and a little over the top. Sure Samantha is voiced by the blonde bombshell Scarlett Johansson, but . . . but . . . WE DON’T EVEN GET SIDE BOOB OR ANY BODY PARTS OF JOHANSSON!!! ALL WE GET IS JOAQUIN PHOENIX FACE CLIMAXING!!!

But speaking of hot chicks, I didn’t realize that Amy Adams is Amy. Yea, I realize how ironic the characters name is now. This is due to Adams blonde hair in the movie instead of her natural red. But never-the-less, she’s still pretty hot. She kinda looks like the hipster girl of my dreams, high wasted jeans and all.

All-in-all, Her is a good movie but I probably wouldn’t see it again. I could live without hearing Joaquin Phoenix make sex noise again, and I deff don’t wanna bang my computer.

Some Awesome Parodies of Her:

My favorite parody is with Johan Hill on Saturday Night Live called Me.

I love the awkwardness of Johan Hill mixed in with super awkwardness of trying to bang your computer; it just makes it super fucking awkward. And the ending scene with Michael Cera nails it. This could almost be better than the movie. It made my favorite line of the movie (the whole “love is like a socially accepted form of insanity blah blah blah”) seem super stupid. Ah, now you see that world jumble I had earlier. And man, that Cera robot-sexy-dance is one pimp move I gotta try on the ladies; panties droppin in no time.

This parody is called Him and is produced by Paul Gale Comedy. Instead of Johan Hill, we have Seth Rogen’s voice in this one and with a more stoner feel. It’s like Pineapple Express had sex (real or computer) with Her and birth this. Again, this parody makes fun of the great hipster stuff that Her has, including that insanity line.

I’m sure you can find more parody online of Her. But anywho, like always, you don’t have to take my word pho it. Just watch the movie yourself and see what you think. I mean, I saw it and I like it. But it still doesn’t mean my bro side can just forget about all the hipsterness of the movie. Iono, just watch the effin movie.

-Hope you have a good one, Sype

PS, don’t try to bang your computer, I don’t think Apple care supports damages done by your dick.

PPS, either via phone or AIM, we all cybered once in our life. Don’t deny it.

PPPS, don’t bang your computer, Apple doesn’t have a warranty for that crazy shit and you might cut your junk up.

A Bros Insight on Valentine’s Day: A Day of Hate & Love?

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Ah yes, it’s that time again, a time where couples ravish one another with elaborate gifts and post Facebook status singling single people out, once again reminding them of their lonesome partner-less life. It’s mother fugging Valentines Day!

A little history lesson (after browsing Wikipedia): Valentine’s Day is also known as Saint Valentine’s Day, named after the saint (you probably guessed it) Valentine. And who is St. Valentine? He was a saint back in the day who was imprisoned by the Roman Empire because he preformed weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry.

Anyways, blah blah blah, wrote a letter to the daughter of his jailer before his execution and signed it with “Your Valentine,” blah blah blah. Christian churches also celebrate his feat with the Feast of Saint Valentine, blah blah blah.

Yeah, that’s probably all the history lesson we need.

But here in America, Valentine’s Day is more of a commercial celebration instead of a religious stature. Like I said, on V-Day (I know, it sounds like a horrible STD, ironic right) singles are reminded of their singleness (Valentine’s Day AKA Singles Appreciation Day), and couples try to outdo one another; framing their courtship via social media.

Lets say it’s V-Day morning and you decide to wake up and browse your news feed and lo and behold, your news feed is dominated with couples doing couply things, pictures bragging their love and valentine gifts are in your fucking face telling you they have someone and you don’t. But you can’t be mad at them, it’s not their fault that they’re annoying the love out of you . . . oh wait, no, it is their fucking fault!

Elite Daily has some examples of these habits you’re doomed to encounter on social media:

http://elitedaily.com/humor/the-most-annoying-people-youll-encounter-on-social-media-this-valentines-day/

Check out their three examples of people you will see on V-day, its pretty spot on.

Social media is not the only place where you will encounter Valentine’s Day frustrations. Once you step out of your dark and lonely room and into the love tainted world of Feb. 14, you will run into couples, lovey dovey couples, everything is painted fucking pink and red with false shaped hearts every-fucking-where, alongside the war-zone of cupids’ arrow. And prepare for the worst when approaching young love birds. At first, they will seem cute and warming. . . and then once their innocent love is tainted by lust and pornographic heathenism, you cannot help but avert your eyes!

Here is Guyism telling us 7 of the Worst Things about Couples:

http://guyism.com/humor/worst-things-couples.html#1-7-of-the-worst-things-about-couples

I probably agree with number 4: PDA the most. Especially in enclosed environment, such as public transportation, is the fucking worst. Seriously, we’re on the bus and not a fucking rave, take your hands out of her pants and stop trying to eat your partners face. You don’t need to show me your “love” on the MUNI because it’s fucking disgusting. PUT YOUR TONGUE BACK INTO YOUR MOUTH AND SAVE IT FOR HOME!!! I don’t care if in the comfort of your own home you cats like to make out or practice the Australian Kiss (a kiss from down under), just not next to me on the bus. The SF MUNI is already vomitous and full of diseases; I don’t need to worry about catching anything else.

Well, all of that said, we single people are not the beez-knezz either. Yea yea, we are reminded that we’re single and (imagine me saying this in a hippy-hipster voice) “Valentine’s Day is a lame consumerist holiday made up by the card companies” blah blah blah . . . but we can’t help but  feel left out in all of cupids’ magic: so we hate.

Here are some people who felt left out of the magic and tried to make up for it (and probably some of these are parodies):

http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6952530/13-baes-caught-slippin-this-valentines-day

Or, you could be one of those people who’s actually in a relationship but actually wanna break up with your partner because you hate Valentine’s Day – or you secretly hate them – but you’re too pussy to break up with them so you just ride it out. . . I guess you can take some helpful hints from Jimmy Tatro on how to instead of breaking up with your partner, you can annoy them in breaking up with you:

Seriously, watch this video. Fucking. Brotastic.

But V-day is really a day to celebrate love with your partner.  I mean sure, you can rebut that you don’t need a day to show your love, but fuck it, you don’t need a day to give presents but you have Christmas; you don’t need a day to get super drunk while your friends try to kill you with free alcohol but you have birthdays; you don’t need a day to randomly drunkenly kiss a stranger but we have New Years; you don’t need a. . . I’ll probably just stop here.

Oh, here’s a tip guys: If your girl, or whatever she is, says to you that she doesn’t wanna do anything for Valentine’s Day then she’s a FUGGING liar. She’s just saying that so the words Valentine’s Day is in your head. Just do something, if anything something small. Shit, get her a Happy Meal. Just something.

Death Cab for Cutie will explain my emo feelings for this day:

valentines day pic

My friend Juno posted something on my Facebook wall with the caption of #ForeverAlone to remind me of my Valentine’s Day defeat.

And yes, he has a girlfriend, and yes, he is a douchebag.

But the link he posted up was a Facebook study stating that San Francisco is the worst place to try and obtain a relationship. Hmm wait, I currently live in San Francisco . . . shit.

http://www.theverge.com/2014/2/13/5408968/facebook-relationships-singles-data

Oh well, you can’t depend on Facebook for everything. But I can try and beat the odds. I guess if I wanna get into a “relationship,” according to Facebook, I’m either gonna have to move to Colorado or somehow con a woman in getting into a relationship with me and passing the benchmark of three months. Seems easy enough.

Personally I like Valentine’s Day and would love to ravish some girl with my courtship n’ all-up-in-that. But sadly I’m single and do not have anyone to give my seed **cough** I mean my gifts, to. I guess I could do what I did last year and take a friend out on a Valentine’s Day date and throw money around just say I did something . . . or I can gather a group of single people my age and say FUCK IT and go to a rave. . . I think I’m gonna do the latter (:P)

-Till next time and hopefully you wrap your tool and not get an STD this V-Day, Sype.

-PS, here are some funny anti-Valentine’s Day gifts from Buzzfeed:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/buzz/Anti-Valentines_Day_Gifts

-PPS, I love bad bit***s and that’s my fucking problem. –A$AP Rocky