(Disclaimer from me, Sype, the thoughts and views expressed in this blog post does not reflect my views on women nor does it mean that I’m a douche at a festival hitting on girls. I respect women and respectfully creep on them from afar and would not physically creep on them. This is just a satirical response to my friend, and amazing writer, Stephanie Q’s, article: Flirting vs Friendly. So enjoy. Thank you.)
Alright bros, it’s getting to be that time of year again, my favorite time of year, FESTIVAL SEASON!!!
Festival season is great because you can rage hard, pump fists and hit on half-naked-chicks. The first two parts of my list are simple and easy to do, every bro from gym rats to nerds can partake with ease.
That last part however, might be difficult for some bros in the quest for that sweet sweaty rave gash.
So here are some quick easy tips for getting girls at a rafe. Use them wisely boys.
1. 1. If she likes your kandi, then she wants dat D.
Look bros, if some girl takes the time to burrow her way through the crowd to say “I like your kandi,” then that means she’s trying to talk to you. If she’s complimenting you then she’s deff hitting on you, dawg. No way that chick is trying to leave her pack of (pussy) cats, risking the chance of being creeped on by some beta if she wasn’t trying to get some of that ALPHA!
2. 2. There’s no way a girl is just trying to dance.
If a girl is up there shaking her carefully crafted booty, then she’s waiting for some Alpha to say “sup.” There’s no way that she spent all that time in the gym, preparing all those pansy “meal preps” for the week and trying all those trendy fad cleanses to just be with the girls. (Unless she’s a lesbian then I’m fine with that. As long as I’m there.) She’s at a festival, so that means she’s down to party! Grow some balls, go up there and talk to her. The more baggage the better bro; bonus points if she hates her dad.
3. 3. Bump and GRIND!!!
Just sneakily walk up behind her and start pumping that fist. Flex those biceps, shrug those shoulders, you’re not wearing that tank top cuz it’s comfortable. You spent all that time in the gym and taken all the diet meth that GNC sold ya, so walk up to her and show her what those steroids got cha. Strategically pump that fist next to her and “accidentally” bump into her. If she bumps back then that means she wants it.
4. 4. Uplift her hand and into her rave panties.
Right before that sick drop from one of those awesome Top 10 bangers, there is an overused build-up. You gotta look at her and say, “I love this part.” If she says something back, even if you don’t hear her, you gotta grab her hand and lift it in the air. This shows her that you’re sensitive and shit. They like cheese, feelings. At this point, she should have either retracted your hand cuz you’re a rapist or kept it there. And if it’s still there then she is left defenseless and you gotta seize this moment to hold her hand or strategically give her a twirl into your back attack grinding position.
5. 5. Hugs baby, hugs.
Rave chicks love to hug and cuddle. Give her the nod, then she’ll know she’s yours. During a song, hug her. It’s a reason to get close. Make sure she smells your alpha smell that has been manifesting since the banger dropped. Cuddle hard and remember that girls love it when you say creepy things to them.
6. 6. She doesn’t just want to be friends.
No Alpha settles in the friend-zone. If she says that she only wants to be friends then you gotta move onto the next cunt. She’s not ready for an alpha like you. However, if you want to try and fist pump your way out of the friend-zone, then you better hope you’re alpha enough. Just play the friend card for awhile. Girls like aggressiveness. It’s an uphill battle but you can do it bro.
Alright bros, I’ve given you some tips on how to be successful at getting that sweet rave thang. Just don’t be Chester the Molester here. Don’t creep hard because no girl likes a desperate bro. If she don’t like you then just move on. You got this bro. Rave hard. BE. ALPHA. AS. F*CK!!!!
The Electric Daisy Carnival is the most magical place on Earth (sorrywerenotsorry, Disney). Over the years the location of this magical insomniac wonderland has changed, but that doesn’t mean that the aesthetic feel of its importance is lost. (Dem feels bro). The current home of this electronic fairy tale, that is waiting to be written by the likes of 400,000 attendance , is in the Graceland, or Sin City, of Las Vegas.
There are so many reasons to love EDCLV! This event has got it all. DJs, rides, art … and of course your best friends by your side. With the good comes the bad, and the world wouldn’t be balanced if there wasn’t a sense of Yin & Yang to the Electric Daisy. Here is a list of the top 10 things we utterly hate and absolutely love about the past 3 years of Las Vegas’ Electric Daisy Carnival.
Please feel free to add your hates & loves in a comment below!
1. LACK OF SANITATION
This is more of a personal problem but we know we’re not the only ones with our panties in a bunch about it. Not all port-o-potties have hand sanitizer in them. Yuck! Come on Insomniac.
Sype: Dudes, just make sure you drip properly and try to not get any piss on yourself. Being drunk isn’t an excuse. However if you do, just wipe it off on your pants; no one will know if you don’t tell anyone . . . not even your bros . . . cuz that sh*t is gross
2. DJ OVERLAP
Insomniac forces us to make some serious life decisions when they decide to have some of your favorite DJ’s playing their sets at the same time. If only it were possible to be in 2 places at once, but this isn’t Harry Potter and we can’t all have Hermione’s magical pendent. (We both LOVE Emma Watson FYI. Especially Sype because he’s a creeper).
Sype: So plan your time wisely. Even if you do plan on seeing half a DJ’s set to make it to another, you can still miss out on some of the best drops or musical performance the set. Tip: see your favorite DJ last 30 minutes instead of the first. I know this because Ish was forced to carry me KICKING AND SCREAMING as we left Mat Zo’s set when he dropped “Rebound” last year. I will never forgive him. Also remember that sometimes things change; I didn’t expect to leave Above & Beyond for Fedde Le Grand, but hey, it happened (thanks Koko).
3. THE SUNRISE BOOT
When the last DJ finishes the his/her set, the Speedway security will try to kick everyone out right away. Thus abruptly ruining your magic as you’re reminded that once you leave the top stairs of the Speedway- reality awaits you.
Koko: It would be really nice to ride a few rides and refill my water bottle before making the journey back to the strip.
Sype: Girls, don’t forget to use the restroom or else you’re gonna be like that one girl at EDC 2012 rushing out of the shuttle bus and peeing on the side of the road as she beaver shot everyone. Guys . . . well we’re pretty much covered. Thank you penis.
4. DOUCHEBAGS & BITCHES
And when we say D-Bags and B-Word, we mean it in the most constructive, positive way. Maybe we don’t understand you, so we don’t know why you’re acting like this; maybe you had a bad childhood and the only way of life that you know how to live is one full of rudeness and vile attitudes that cause you to lash out in society with your scowl. But please, even with all of your baggage, this does not give you the right to be a fugging as*hole!
We hate it when someone is pushing through the crowd with fierce elbows, stomping on our feet as they try to bull-rush to the front. We also hate it when someone runs into you without saying sorry. We also hate . . . well, we simply hate it if you’re just being plain rude! (Exclamation marks times infinity!)
Why you gotta be like that?!? We understand you may be high or whatever, but please be considerate of the people around you and mind your manners. We know yo mama didn’t raise you to be no fool!
Koko: So be kind, practice your PLUR.
Sype: Or just don’t be an AS*HOLE!
5. PEOPLE ASKING YOU FOR DRUGS
We understand that you like to party, but please stop asking us if we have drugs. And if we say no, please don’t nag us with statements like: “we know you have some” or “please, it’s my first rave.” That just makes you desperate and a rave sl*t. And girls, don’t whore yourself to guys for free hits of molly, just because you have a pretty face doesn’t mean it will always get you what you want. (Like those hot Canadian girls who tricked our friend at EDC 2012, his little head won their battle but lost his war)
Sype: Also, just because I’m Asian and I’m wearing a panda cap smiling as wide as my eyes, doesn’t mean I’m rolling!!!
6. LOSING YOUR FRIENDS
Losing your friends is never fun. It’s dark, it’s loud, and there are a million people around you. SO DON’T FREAK OUT. You wanna see your favorite DJ but you fear never being able to find your friends again in all the madness.
Losing your friends sucks, but what’s worst is losing your girlfriend or boyfriend, then that would really suck. You don’t know who’s trying to squirrel up your nut. The worst part about this is that there is slim to none cell-phone reception so . . . good luck.
But if you’re a #zip then you know your crew has specific meeting times in case anyone is ever lost. Genius!
Just try to enjoy the moments as EDC throws them at you when you get lost. Make the best of it. Sometimes the most fun is when you’re by yourself and free to do whatever you want.
7. HAVING TO LEAVE WHILE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CROWD
This has happened to all of us, we’re enjoying a set and we have leave for some reason or we just gotta get out of there. Leaving a crowd always sucks! You gotta push and shove your way out of a sea of sweaty, angry people because you’re disrupting their experience as they brush off your “sorry’s” and “pardon me’s.”
Then to tack onto this not-so-pleasant experience, the trip back. If you left a girlfriend/boyfriend or your crew, you are faced with the decision of fighting your way back through the same people you just pissed off or, do you enjoy the set from outside of the mass? Your choice.
Sype: Yeah, fugg that, I’m old. I’ll just stay out there and enjoy it from afar. My friends know where to find me.
Koko: Especially at Circuit Grounds. WTF is going on that there is a 20 degree temperature difference if you walk an extra 5 feet toward the stage? Eff that. I’ll stand in the back where I can get a breeze. Or get a VIP wristband from somebody and enjoy that Very Important Person view 😉
8. HIGH WINDS/BEING COLD
High winds in Vegas can ruin your EDC experience . . . like how the vicious winds of Las Vegas robbed us of Markus Schulz EDC 2012. We had just experience a pleasing set from Calvin Harris and had just arrived at Markus before the winds kicked it. WE WERE ROBBED!!! Our 2nd day ended early. This maybe unrelated but our friend DeathMetal puked his brains out after Markus reluctantly told the crowd they had to leave the majestic A State of Trance stage . . . but that might be because of something else.
Koko: Being a girl, we know that when we go to raves, we might not be wearing the most father-approving clothes. So when those high winds kick in, we’re freezing out little tutus off. Burr. This is the most appropriate time to create a cuddle puddle in the grassy field or ask a guy friend for his sweater (;P)
9. LEAVING THE SPEEDWAY
When the sun is already high in the morning sky that can only mean one thing, the festival for the day is over. This also means another thing . . . RAVE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!
And trust us, nobody looks good in this zombie light. When the day is over, there are hella amounts of brainless ravers trying to rush out the Speedway in a slow Walking Dead like fashion. Everyone smells like cigarettes, body odor, and of course Vicks.
Don’t even get us started on leaving the Speedway parking lot. There is no such thing as PLUR in the Speedway parking lot. It’s over packed with people who are coming down and trying to GET THE HELL OUT! Everyone is cutting each other in-line and doesn’t seem to know where they’re going.
One time leaving the Speedway on the last day of EDC we saw some ravers get out and start shuffling outside their car in traffic . . . while they must have still been high, this irritated us. Get in your car and move! While stuck in traffic, the only thing we could have done was channel our anger to these kids who were still living EDC . . . damn those kids.
Koko: While stuck in leaving-the-speedway-traffic, we exchanged booze and kandi with some nice ravers in the car next to us. Traffic isn’t all that bad when people uphold the PLUR.
Sype: DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE! Be safe.
10. SAYING GOODBYE TO YOUR FRIENDS AND RETURNING TO REAL LIFE
After spending an amazing week in Vegas and living in a magical wonderland of EDC, no one wants to leave. Trust us when we say there will be water works; floods of tears will fill hotel rooms as one-by-one your crew starts to take off into the abyss of adulthood.
It’s hard to say goodbye to something that made you really happy for a whole week, it’s also hard to say goodbye to your friends who you only see once in a blue moon, or this could have been one of the rare times where everyone is together, fact of the matter is that no matter how tough you are, saying goodbye at EDC is going to feel like one giant Death Cab for Cutie concert. It’s clinically depressing.
Koko: Every time I leave my friends after EDC I cry. I just can’t help it. We’re all depressed, the highs have plummeted to painful lows, and everyone’s climbing aboard the feels train. All we can do is start the countdown for the next year’s EDC.
Sype: We men don’t cry, but we can go on walks. Trust me, when everyone is leaving just say a quick goodbye and give a light hug so you can jolly-off on a dark stroll down the bright neon lit Vegas strip, it helps.
1. FREE WATER!!!!
Need we say more? Don’t pay for that shiiiiizzle.
2. FREE RIDES
What other carnival/fair offers free rides!? Pretty dope.
3. FRIENDLY COPS
Once you’re inside the motor speedway, the security and cops are super nice! You can always spot them fist pumping at a stage or trading kandi with ravers. It really makes the whole experience more comfortable when you know that the cops will party with you and protect you at the same time.
4. LAS VEGAS LOVES US.
The city of Las Vegas had no idea what hit them EDC 2011. L.V. citizens were like ‘WTF is EDC and why are all these kids running around in tutus!?’ Now the city welcomes us with open arms by holding EDC week where all major hotels, clubs and pools are on board with the raving mayhem. They love us for bringing in millions of dollars in revue in a week’s time, and we love them for being so accommodating.
5. EDC SCHEDULE
We love that the EDC website has an interactive schedule maker so you can create your schedule for each day and even share it with your friends through social media! Remember the days of having to hand write a schedule of DJ sets? Yikes.
6. THE PRODUCTION
What makes EDC standout from other festivals is the time and money that Insomniac puts into their production: the art, the variety of colorful stages in tuned with the music that is being preformed there, the lights, the vast amounts of performers and entertainment, ALL OF IT!
Sype: One of my favorite memories of last year EDC was after Koko and I left Above & Beyond to see Fedde Le Grand and she pointed out the lights in the sky. As I looked up, I saw multiple streams of white light from all around the Speedway that met in the middle. This I thought gave EDC that final touch of a magical environment that sealed off any influence of the outside world and strengthened the illusion of being in a magical wonderland. Unless that production *cough Art Cart cough* blocks your view and plays loud amateur DJ music robbing you 10 minutes of Ferry Corsten’s set, then yeah the production sucks! But everything else is awesome.
7. RANDOMLY FINDING YOUR FRIENDS
As anyone would know, getting lost fugging sucks. And to make this worst, due to the massive amounts of people at EDC, that smart phone that you flashed to all of your friends with its bells and whistles (and especially in front of that one friend who still has that museum-grade-flip-phone) is now useless. It basically becomes an overpriced camera with a digital clock. When you’re lost and really really really want to find your friends, this can kill your experience. But somehow with a stroke of luck and a pinch of EDC magic you do happen to find your friends, there is a sheer thrill of happiness that one cannot describe. Finding your friends allows you to not only create memories, but it also allows you to have the pleasure of knowing that you created those memories with your friends and loved ones.
8. NEW FRIENDS
You know that song “No New Friends” by DJ Khaled featuring that crippled guy on Degrassi Drake? Well that’s bullsh*t! That kind of mentality does not fly here at EDC. Sure you came with people, but you got to realize that you have the potential of making 400,000 new friends in this magical wonderland.
Given if that person isn’t an as*hole or a c*nt. Then steer away from them; they’re just here for the beer and b*tches. Try to look for goodness in everyone, but try not to get taken advantage of.
We started our festival group with a handful attending EDC 2009, and now we’re about 70 people large and GROWING! #ZipperSquad So make some new friends, it’s totally worth it!
9. SEEING YOUR FAVORITE DJ/ THE MUSIC
Why do we go to EDC? WELL IT’S FOR THE MUSIC!!! We love the music that EDC offers us. Or else we wouldn’t be spending a bunch of money risking our health by dehydrating ourselves in the middle of a freaking desert.
Sype: If I wanted to do that I would have stayed in Fresno. There is something about the combination of music and friends that when you combine those two, that song or DJ set will forever hold a place in your heart. So every time you listen to an old live set or hear that special song, your mind will be rushed like a fireman’s hoes with euphoria as your body shivers as your reminded of that time and place where you and your friends jumped in joy when that song first encompassed you guys like a warm blanket of merriment.
10. THOSE MAGICAL MEMORIES
We may not know the meaning of life, and it’s probably not hidden in the subtext of EDC, but we do know the meaning of “live in the moment.” Not YOLO, because that is a load of bullsh*t young kids say before they do something stupid or slutty. But EDC is our favorite place to create these magical memories which was forged by “living in the moment” that will forever binds us to our friends, helping us on the road to happiness down this “meaning of life.” Despite the constant alcohol abuse and head injuries, we will never forget the magic that we and our friends have fostered at EDC, in the Las Vegas Speedway or on the Strip.
May it be the memory of someone clogging our toilet on the third day of six at EDC 2012, forcing us to use the lobby bathroom every time we had to pee or poo, or may it be the memory of seeing the sunrise on the last day of EDC that year as we watched and heard Aly & Fila perform their hit “We Control the Sunlight.”
All of these joyous times we will carry with us until the day we die. We will forever remember our time at EDC and the happiness we felt. It truly is a magical place, we hope that you guys will be able to make your own magic during your adventures there because even if, God forbid, EDC gets shut down, EDC will forever be alive in our hearts and memories.
Till next time, please have a safe and fun EDC from Koko and Airec. Laters.
P.S. A last note from Sype: Koko will not be attending EDC this year due to her amazingly-awesome responsibility (and representing us #ZipperSquad) in the Peace Corps in South Africa. I will have to admit that my group and I will be deeply sadden with her absence. Not having a partner in crime, who has been with me closing out EDC for the past 4 years, is going to not feel (opposite of happy feelings words jumble). But when she comes back, we will rage. Even in 20 years when we all have kids and are married, we shall meet up and live it up, cherishing our moment, everyone’s moment, together. It’s a promise.
For some of y’all who don’t know, there has been a Twerking epidemic in America. In countless clubs from the East to West Coast, drunk girls have fallen under the spell of the Twerk which causes them to get into a 2 point stance or on all 4(s) on the floor and shake their booty to hip-hop beats as they try to attract their mate (for the night).
To help explain the image of this cursed, but enticing movement (I mean come on guys, it’s great to see in da club), here is a video of a girl performing this act:
Not only are nightclubs in America infested with this (insert positive or negative adjective here) range of motion, but so are our high schools. Our nations youth are feeling “Twerk Fever.”
In San Diego, 33 high school girls were suspended for a Twerk video that they filmed and posted on YouTube.
The principal suspended the teenagers involved because it was filmed on school grounds using school equipment. (Sucks they got suspended, but funny as hell).
So ladies, if you feel your intoxicated friend is about to get-her-Twerk-on, please stop her from embarrassing herself. And gentlemen, do the right thing and protect her lady status in high society . . .
. . . or you can take the devilishly hilarious alternative route.
Upon a situation where you feel the need to Twerk, you may be under the influence or just simply bored. So you may encourage the Twerkness to happen. You maybe feel the need to tell your drunk female, or male, friend to shake her (or his) booty in the air like it’s protesting something at San Francisco State. (If y’all don’t know, they’re a lot of protests at SF State).
It does not matter if they are doing it right or wrong, just make sure you have a camera out to film that shit so you can embarrass the shit out of them later.
Here is a funny Twerk video of a woman getting out-Twerk at an iHop . . . BY A GUY!
As you can tell, at the end of the video the woman notices her defeat and tries to rebuttal her loss with some more booty shaking. However, all that ass is not enough to regain the upper hand (or cheek).
So note this girls, just because you are a woman, or super attractive with an amazing booty that is a gift from God, you can still lose a Twerk battle due to your poor technique.
Check out this male who has foully caught the Twerk disease (but it’s super fuckin funny to watch this Asian guy scare the Twerk outta White people in Canada).
Now that you know, it is in your power to stop this “Twerk Fever” from spreading even more . . . or help it spread so you can laugh your Twerk off!
-Hoping for the best, Sype
PS, Hot chicks in the club Twerking . . . HOT! And if you’re not, please don’t try, nobody wants to have nightmares later.
PSS, here is an awesome video of a guy asking a girl out to prom with the POWER OF TWERKING!!! Shake that booty brotha, Shake that booty!
“almost every upbeat song starts with white people clapping”
That is the top comment to BOY‘s song “Little Numbers.” I’m not going to dispute this claim; I enjoy White people clapping to a happy-go-lucky-song as much as the next person. Every upbeat indie-pop song I know, or almost every indie-pop song, I can’t really make a clear judgement right now since it’s wayyyyyy late (or early depending on what time you see 1:27am to be) right now and I just got done reading two essays on criticism.
But anywho, that comment just made me laugh and think about that Dave Chappelle skit with John Mayer and White people dancing to a guitar. Ahh, I’m getting off topic here. Rather it be White people clapping or dancing, this song by BOY is really really good. It makes me wanna jump up and out of my computer chair and clap (along with the inner White boy inside of me) to the beat and dance around my room.
Of course I can’t because my roommate is sleeping. Although he is White, I’m sure he’s not gonna like a 180 pound Asian panda stumbling around the room clapping and attempting to dance. (We all know how uncoordinated I am when it comes to dancing. Unless we’re playing DDR then that’s a different story.)
So if you gotsss the time, give this song a listen. BOY is a German/Swiss duo compose of singer Valeska Steiner, who is Swiss, and bassist Sonja Glass, who is German. (a note from myself, I think German and Swiss girls are really attractive ;P)
The music video is very lively and entertaining. I know I enjoyed it sitting in my chair typing. And from the loud snores of my roommate, he enjoyed it too.
Laters Ya’ll, Sypes
-PS, I don’t mean to offend anyone. I just find some blunt-borderline-racist comments like that funny.