“Not everybody wants to share the painful details of their lives.”
“Oh really? You ever heard of Facebook?”
-The Odd Couple (2015)
CollegeHumor just released a video this week that hyperbolizes the annoyance of someone leaving the popular social online universe of Facebook by placing their departure in #RealLife.
I’m not talking about the “I’m turning off my Facebook for finals” person. I’m talking about that egotistic a-hole or b-word announcing to the world how much better of a person they are for choosing to leave a narcissistic social hub because they feel that they are better than everyone else . . . who ironically they consider their “friends.” WEEE all have that one friend on Facebook who thinks of themself as having a demigod-like-intellect, let’s admit it. And not all of them are hipsters, just some of them.
This kinda of reminds me of the people who only drink wine as they eat fancy French cheese, or people who obnoxiously throw their vacation in your face. Yeah, I know you went to Italy, but don’t coincidentally bring up how exotic the trip was or how great the pasta tasted when I ask if you wanna eat at Olive Garden.
Just don’t blame Facebook for everyone’s problems or validate your own shortcomings with the F.B. (fun buddy) addiction. It’s not this program’s fault that you can’t keep off it during dinner and social gatherings. I love it, you can share information, keep tabs on old friends and victories of old high school rivals, and let’s not forget that F.B. can help you do recon on that new crush of yours (AKA creeping). Everyone Facebook flirts, it’s just a rite of passage.
So if you’re going to leave Facebook, just provide a means to contact you and leave it be. Don’t write about how much better a person of the world you are for not being a slave to social media. You could just as easily turn your phone off or make that personal phone call instead of commenting on someone’s wall. It just seems like attention whoring if you write a whole speech on how different you are from everybody else.
Like at the end of the CollegeHumor video, I’ve definitely seen some friends return to Facebook after some kind of big news happens so he/she could brag about it to the world. Yeah, nonchalantly coming back to show the world your ring or new baby after that sweet witty departure, not narcissistic at all bro/hoe. Weeeee all do it, it’s human nature to want to announce to the world about your trials and victories. And yeah, some of it might come off as bragging. Leaving Facebook makes you no better than anyone else, the only difference is that you no longer have an app on your phone.
Also, if you’re leaving Facebook for another social media platform, please don’t brag about it like its the new MySpace. You just seem like a fucking douche-bag trying to one-up us the “sheep” of society. Now that would be hipster.
The last two weeks the world has been submerge(d) in the all might FIFA World Cup 2014. The World Cup is a ginormous soccer (yes, I said soccer and not futbol because despite surprisingly being into the WC2014, I am still an American) tournament where 32 international teams comes together to play their hearts out for a trophy that was probably made in China. (This is a reference to one of the memes from The Chive, I don’t personally know where the hand-reaching-the-ball trophy is made so don’t come after me.)
I will admit that I am not a soccer fan, obviously, but there is something about this W.C. fever that has gotten a hold of me. Since I love football and it’s not in season, I need something to fill my competitive spirit and UFC is too expensive to watch all the time.
This blog however is not going to report on the sport of the World Cup, I don’t know anything about soccer, but of the humor that is following this historic event.
Also before I continue, I just wanna say . . . AMERICA WON THEIR FIRST GAME IN THIS SERIES!!!! #Americanoutlaws #MURICA
The Chive, a great website/blogsite full of . . . guy stuff, complied the first batch of “best of” memes.
Check it out here. There 25 memes and meme #6 is what i referenced in my intro. And I’m sure meme #10 is how most people who hasn’t felt the World Cup Fever feels like right now as they dread every Facebook post about this field game that we all played in 6th grade.
Now when everyone (mostly non-soccer fans who are a little bro-ish) thinks of international soccer, we Americans (again non-soccer-bro-fans) cannot help but think of INTERNATIONAL BABES!!! Soccer: love or hate it, everyone loves international futbol girls. (Probably mostly bros.)
My, my, my, seeing them on my T.V. as the camera man does his rightful job as he picks the perfect one out of the crowd, that really does make me believe in beauty again.
It’s a break from all the hipster and sorority girls that San Francisco is infested by. Brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it.
And who can forget this gem that surfaced the internet today!!!
Man, Brazil really do love their soccer . . . and their girls.
I guess sometimes you dance so hard that your titties pop out. You can check out this sure-soon-to-be-infamous-via-blogs on imgur. Trust me, check it out.
This beautiful woman was so enticing that it stopped my roommates and I Halo game. You know we’re frat bros if something as simple has an accidental-bouncing-nipple could stop us from focusing on the amazing FPS that is Halo 4. Aside from the girl, check out the two guys next to her as they both realize the situation that is bouncing between them . . . and the other girls as they do a self-check up on the durability of their tops.
I would probably be that Asian guy in this picture . . . in all amazement
Now I’m not trying to objectify women in the World Cup, but sometimes you just gotta admire beauty when the internet gives them to you.
Well, that’s all for now I suppose. I’m sure as the rounds continue and emotions draws high, there will be more amazing-World-Cup-but-not-World-Cup hilarious moments. And of course more futbol babes.
***Note: This is not a sports blog, but I like sports, and I like shit-talking***
I don’t think it’s a secret that I am a Denver Broncos fan. If you’re my friend on Facebook you probably know that. That being said, I am NOT a bandwagon jumper-macgumper. I’ve been a fan of the Broncos since Tim Tebow took a snap for the franchise (despite his lack of ability to throw the ball) and since my buddy Yanze wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Champ Bailey in high school of 0’7.
So of course my friends like to give me a lot of shit (!!!) for this. One of my best friends, Juno, is a Patriots fan. He’s from New Hampshire so of course he’s gonna root for Brady and company. What makes this situation worst is that his girlfriend, Xtina, is a San Diego Chargers fan . . . this power couple are fans of two teams that are in the AFC . . . meaning that whenever the Broncos play one of these two teams, there is going to be a lot of shit-talking.
This isn’t one of those behind closed doors kinda shit talking, this is I’ll-fucking-text-you-when-your-team-fuck-up-and-I’ll-post-some-kinda-rediculous-shit-on-your-Facebook-wall-and-tag-you kinda shit talking. When the Patriots were victorious with a come from behind victory against the Broncos this season, I received a text from Juno and (real) his brother to suck a phallic. In fact, I still have a bet that needs to be fulfilled with Juno that dealt with the disappointing outcome the last time Tebow took a snap behind center while facing Brady. (Shh, it’s a secret but it involves alcohol and Vegas. And no I’m not going to suck any phallic.)
Here is the comment that started it all, the Facebook-shit-talking-seen-around-the-world (of my News Feed) from Mizz. Sweet Xtina herself.
***Note: SDF is an inside joke that I drunkenly created and now has been a catch phrase amongst my friends and I. It stands for Suck Dick ******
I’m not one to start shit (maybe, kinda, sometimes, just maybe sometimes), but like a kid in kindergarten defending himself and his retaliation from a timeout, she started it first!
Yes, yes, yes, I know that during this season, the Broncos lost to the Chargers and the Patriots . . . but look whose still in playoffs, nay, looks who’s playing for the FUCKING SUPERBOWL!!!
As I learned from a very wise man this past weekend: never talk shit because you never know when it’s going to come back and bite you in the ass. (Yet I still have not fully grasped this lesson. But hey, I’m still maturing!)
So after a taunting like that from Mizz. Xtina, I had to say something. At least a little boast of victory.
Yes, I’ve made my case and demanded my righteous victory Facebook post. But this is where things get a little derailed from football and into something completely different, something gross and outrageous and hairy, something so, I don’t know how to say it . . . ahh, something so Airec Syprasert: a comment too far.
This conversation has now turned it focus from Manning and his flawless team and onto my crouch. And yes, for some of y’all who don’t know, it’s hairy. Unlike those sleek and hairless Asians you see on TV or kung-fu movies, I’m one hairy bastard. God has cursed me with the tedious task of shaving my pubic regions every so often. I know that this is probably gross information because those of you who are reading might know me in person, or you might not even know me at all, but this is the truth of the matter: I am one hairy Asian-American male. Fucking sue me for not meeting the zeitgeist of how Asians should look like.
But anyways, like I’ve said numerous times beofre, Snapchat (an app for smart phones where you take a picture and send it to someone and it deletes itself after 5 seconds, great for sending nudies. Also, girls, you’re stupid if you send a nude Snapchat thinking he’s not gonna save it or that he’s the only eyes that are gonna see. I mean, seriously.) is stupid. I fucking, let me reiterate this, I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN I SEE PEOPLE TAKING STUPID SNAPCHAT PICTURES. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE A FOOL WHEN YOU MAKE THOSE FACES AROUND CAMPUS OR ON THE MUNI OR IN A CROWDED ROOM AT A PARTY OR ANY-FUCKING-WHERE-IN-GENERAL. Yes, I know I’m hating, but I just hate it so much.
So me being me, I decided to send my friends a Snapchat of my balls from my friend Tim’s iPhone the night before when I was witnessing this stupid act occur. Let me just say, they can wash their eyes, but their brains will never be clean again as my balls are imprinted into their memory. And no, I don’t feel sorry for their eyes. Maybe Lance’s eyes, his Snapchat back showed a very scared black man. I never thought tiny little Asian me would scare a big African-American him. #firstvictory
Is there a point to this post besides my infatuation with sending people pictures of my balls? Yes, don’t talk shit on Facebook because you never know when what you posted (its online so it’s always gonna be alive somewhere) is gonna come back and bite you in the ass. If you’re gonna talk shit, do it in person. This way, you can tell your friend to suck dick, or kiss your ass, or go hop on a wooden stake and die, or whatever you want to say while doing some obscure gestures. I know that’s what I do. Like how Stifler does in the American Pie series (my fictional hero).
Also another lesson, nay a warning, if you get into a conversation with me, the end comment or topic is probably not going to be what you started with; I mean, how do you go from football to hairy Asians . . . just one of pro’s (depending on how you look at it and depending if I’ve shaven or trimmed yet or not) of an Airec Syprasert comment.
Till next time, Sype.
PS. Go Broncos and FWAK the Seahawks!!!
PSS. Here is a funny Buzzfeed article about why the Broncos should be the least hated team in the NFL