A Bros Quick Tips to Working Out for Festivals
Alright Bros, with festival season quickly approaching us, or here with EDC just a few hours away, we have to kick our asses in high gear and whip it in shape!
Let’s look at this, so you wanna get girls like her:
So you realize that you need to look like this:
However, you look like this 😦
But have no fear, here are some simple things that you can either do at the gym or around your house to get into that ripped, sweaty abs showing, buff-fist-pumping shape to get the “Bytches.”
First workout that I recommend is the pushup. Every bro out there loves chest, which is why every testosterone-pump-jockey hounds the bench. But you don’t need a bench to have a nice chest; all you need is the ground and your body.
The great thing about pushups is that it doesn’t only work out your chest, but it also works out your shoulders, back, triceps, and yes, the ever so mighty core. When you’re benching, the bench takes away from working your core and just focuses on your bigger muscles, neglecting the smaller muscles that is needed to hold everything together. When you are in a pushup position, you force your core to use itself to hold still, which also engages your back muscles. And this is just from holding that position alone. Remember, the missionary position is basically a plank, or a push-up position; you’re not gonna bench a girl during sex.
“Oh Airec, if I only do pushups, my chest won’t get bigger.”
Maybe your chest won’t get bigger, but it will be more toned. And do you really need a big chest at a rave anyways? You’re trying to look RIPPED here, not match-that-hot-chick-next-to-you bra-size.
Second workout I would suggest is the pull-up. The pull-up is great because it works out your shoulders, back, biceps, and forearms. There many different ways to do a pull-up. You can do overhand or underhand grip, close grip or wide. Of course the different grip and width of your pull-up will target and shape your back differently. I’m not gonna go into the different kinda pull-ups, but you can click on the hyperlink and explore it yourself.
The reason why I believe pull-ups are important is because when you are dancing and a girl is checking you out (AKA creeping from afar), it’s from either the side or the back. Usually the back as you’re fist pumping away to LEVELS (bro). So when she’s checking you out, you want her to think “damn, that guy gots a nice back,” not “damn, you can see his flab vibrate every time he fist pumps. It kinda goes to the beat.” This way the longer her eyes are on you, you have a higher chance of catching her predatory glare when you turn around.
A third workout that is super important is squats. Friends don’t let friends miss leg days. Think about it, at a festival you’re always on your feet, jumping around, or “shuffling.” I put that in quotations because come on guys, when we’re seeing an artist (drunk or sober) we all jump around and move our feet. We like to think we are shuffling although we are just jumping around like dumb-asses hoping that everyone else would understand your spastic leg movements as shuffling. (I do this all the time.) If your butt is too sore, just jump around. WORK OUT THOSE CALVES!!!
Also, another important thing about doing squats, or lower body workouts in general, is your ability to hoist a girl onto your shoulders. I mean come on guys, we have all been there. Whether there is a random cutie around or a girl that you’re into, you wanna show her how awesomely strong you are and hope that she asks you to put her on your shoulders. This way you can impress her with your strength as she admires the crowd from a skyline view and all the other bros can respect your strength.
So do those squats, make that ass clap.
These three workouts should help you out for festivals. If you do these workouts with high reps and increase frequency to increase heart rate, then you’ll be burning away your beer belly in no time.
Now I’m not saying that these three workouts are the only things that you should only do. Of course throw in some abdominal exercises, cardio, and the piece de resistance, arm workouts (suns out guns out baby). Gotta make sure those abs are rock hard just in case you wanna wipe the sweat off your face with the bottom of your tank exposing your abs discreetly. We’ve all been there bro, yadda mean.
Obviously I’m not a kinesiology major, or a doctor, like my partner KokoKai, so you can take what I say with a grain, or a canister, of salt. I’m not in the best shape ever, but I still know a little bit of helpful advice. This is what has worked out for my friends and I so I just wanted to share some of it with you, with some additional (panda) commentary. Plus you don’t want to be that awkward guy at a festival telling your in-shape friends to put on their tank/shirts just because they have abs and you don’t . . . I’ve been there before.
So good luck hunting my fellow bros, #tanktoptime
P.S. Don’t forget cardio and diet, workouts are nothing without a good foundation of cardio and diet.
P.S.S. But that doesn’t mean stop eating your fave food or drinking beer, cuz I know I enjoy shitty food and beer (;P)
How Chicks Get Ready for EDC
~~~How chicks get ready for EDC~~~
Step 1: Eat less.
That’s right. The #1 way girls ‘get in shape for EDC’ is by eating less.
Notice: I didn’t say ‘watching what you eat’ or ‘making smarter eating choices’.
Oh, no. That would require legitimate knowledge of nutrition and healthy diet planning.
This is the thought process girls go through…
“Instead of eating 4 cookies, I’ll eat 3. I need to lose weight for EDC.”
“Maybe I should only have soda every other day. Gotta get that EDC body ready!”
“If I eat a salad with my burger, the greens cancel the fat out- its a wash. So it’s like I didn’t eat.”
No need worry about healthy substitutions or purposeful meal planning to stock up on necessary vitamins and minerals for the upcoming marathon of drinking and substance abuse. Nope. Just eat less. That’ll do the trick.
Step 2 for getting that bod ready for a week of partying is to work on ‘abs’.
Traditional situps and crunches are the way to go. The abdominals are only engaged during the first 45 degrees of the movement, while the second 45 degrees engage the iliacus and psoas major more than the abdominals. Which is exactly why we transition into crunches. So we can not target the abs, but we think that we are!
mechanical advantages of pulley systems & how it means your whole life has been a lie.
Hey there! Finally put the finishing touches on a report for my strength & conditioning program design class. Last week, we had more of a hands-on lab inside my university’s fitness center. We inspected the pulley systems used in a few different types of isolating machines. What we discovered was jaw-dropping (at least for those who frequently use these machines).
Systems of pulleys can decrease the force required to lift a certain amount of weight.
For example, if I want to lift a 100 lb weight, and I have a pulley system with 3 pulleys, that gives me a mechanical advantage of 2. If I use this pulley system, I only have to exert 50 lbs of force to lift the 100 lb weight. (100/2 = 50). Does that make sense?
Now apply this to the strength training machines you see in weight rooms. Most of these machines have a complex system of pulleys. Meaning that you are never actually lifting the amount of weight you think you are.
Pulley LAB # 1/ 2-14-12
Measurement ofApplied Resistance From Selected
Koleana Kai McGuire
The pulley lab definitely challenged the way we look at strength training machines by critically examining a variety of exercise equipment. Looking at its overall apparatus set up and design, and specifically each of its pulley systems and its impact on the “perceived” load. It made me realize that some manufactures didn’t take into consideration the effects of pulley systems on weight lifting. This is important as a user of these types of machines, because now I have a more accurate understanding of the weight that’s being lifted. As well as a future professional when training clients, I will know what recommendations to make, and how best to design strength training programs based upon the equipment available.
Apparatus # 1: Pulldown
Brand Name: Equalizer
Description of: 3 lines of pull attached to load, 1 line as free end pulling down
Apparatus Commonly used for tricep extensions
# pulleys 1 movable pulley
Trial (lbs) 70 lbs
Notes Measured 32.5 lbs on spring scale, which is pretty close to the predicted weight by our formula
P = ½ x (70 lbs) = 35 lbs
This is assuming that the pull is smooth and has no friction.
However, there must be some friction and with P measured at 35 lbs,
Conclusion: The plates actually weigh less than we are lead to believe.
Apparatus # 2 Pulldown
Brand Name Magnum
Description of 2 pulleys
Apparatus Commonly used for bicep curls
# pulleys 2 movable pulley
Trial (lbs) 50 lbs
Notes Measured 30 lbs on spring scale, which is greater than the force of pull as predicted by our formula
P = ½ x (50 lbs) = 25 lbs
This is assuming that the pull is smooth and has no friction.
However, there must be some friction making more force required to pull the weight.
Conclusion: The plates may actually weigh less than we are lead to believe.
Apparatus # 3: Pull ups
Brand Name: Life Fitness
Description of: 3 lines of pull attached to load, 1 line as free end pulling down
Apparatus: Can be used for bicep pull ups
# pulleys: 2 pulleys
Trial (lbs): 50 lbs
Notes: Measured 52 lbs on spring scale, which is almost the same force of pull indicated by the weights.
This is assuming that the pull is smooth and has no friction.
Conclusion: The manufacturers of this apparatus designed the machine to accurately measure the force exerted. Meaning that the user is actually lifting (almost exactly) the amount of weight selected with the pins.
Apparatus # 4: Wheelchair accessible
Brand Name: Uppertone
Description of: lever systems
Apparatus: Can be used for upper body workouts, like the chest and arms, for people in wheel chairs
# pulleys: N/A
Trial (lbs): 30 lbs. The weight could vary depending on how the lever was oriented.
Notes: When the axis of rotation changes, the required force to move the weight changes.
Conclusion: The manufacturers of this apparatus designed it differently from traditional weight machines. The user can increase or decrease the required force by changing the axis for the levers, whereas most other machines will do so by changing the weight plates. By increasing the force arm, we decreased the force required to lift the weight- from 22 lbs to 5 lbs.
Resistance Band work outs
I had to turn in a report on resistance bands for my Strength & Conditioning Program Design class (as mentioned in a prior post). For any fitness enthusiasts out there, or just anyone curious about this piece of equipment, here is my summation. It’s basically a product description, talks about some mechanical advantages and disadvantages, and my personal opinion on the bands’ effectiveness. Again, this was written for a class, so I apologize if it’s tough to interpret the biomechanical nomenclature, I’m sure you’ll be just fine =) Here ya go!
“Bodylastics Resistance bands / Exercise bands are no longer just for aerobics classes. The cutting edge resistance band systems by Bodylastics stand toe to toe with the biggest and best home gyms, and even fully equipped health clubs. Do over 140 of the best muscle working exercises, on your own terms…anywhere…anytime. I am Blake Kassel, the inventor of the Bodylastics Resistance bands home gym. Are you skeptical that elastic resistance bands could work all of your muscles as well as the HUGE weight machines? Well you should be. But I am here to tell you that you will love this product, and will end up loving our company, because you are going to get in amazing shape and save a ton of cash at the same time. You will absolutely be able to work your muscles to the max. All of the best exercises for the chest, arms, legs, back, shoulders and abs can be performed with this compact workout system. Bodylastics offers resistance band gym systems that can stand toe to toe with the large bulky home gym machines.
Smoothest Resistance – When we were first developing the Bodylastics System, we searched for the smoothest source of resistance on the planet. Well, we found it – elastic resistance tubing (bands). Not only is resistance tubing super smooth when you stretch it, but it is incredibly light and flexible. That means it is easy to store – no extra room needed!”
- Cost: One band- $9.95-$17.95 US dollars depending on if the buyer wants a different amount of resistance.Locations where equipment is most likely to be used: Physical Therapy offices, Rehab facilities, Athletic Training facilities, etc:
- The resistance band is a great tool for rehabilitating specific body parts, so it is found in almost every physical therapy setting. Because the bands can come in variations is resistance, they are often seen in athletic training settings, too.
- Governing mechanism for providing resistance?
- Resistance bands are rubber tubes with handles on both ends that provide resistance as you row, curl, and otherwise extend them. The handles and the clipping mechanisms at the end of each band can be detached. The bands can be combined on the handles to generate a heavy load. Resistance bands hold their own when one is resistance training. They are good for giving the muscles something a little different to control; the weight actually increases as you extend them. The handles are cushioned and comfortable and the clipping mechanisms are usually found in plastic, not metal, so they click on easy and don’t abrade the body when exercising.
- Affected Joint(s):
- Resistance bands can work many joints of the body, depending on what a person wants to focus on training or rehabilitating. Bands can often be used to target the sacroiliac joint with a seated row movement. Bent over rows and chest presses can work the glenerohumeral joints and the elbow joints. Band squats can work the knee and ankle joints.
- Prime Movers :
- Again, because the resistance bands are so versatile, there are many prime movers that one can choose to target. I will cover popular examples of muscles people choose to target such as the muscles of the upper arms (biceps brachii, triceps brachii, supraspinatus, deltoids).
Stabilizing muscles, including muscles controlling the axial skeleton.
- While choosing to target muscles of the upper arms, one would start by placing the band under one foot and stepping back with the other foot. Muscles of the lower leg stabilizing the band would be the Gastrocnemius, Hamstrings and Quadriceps. Keeping the core stable and tight throughout the movement would engage the Rectus abdominis, Transverse abdominis and Internal/External obliques.
- Primary Movement(s):
- Initial Body Position: The initial body position is standing upright on the ground, both legs kept straight and locked, feet staggered, back straight and arms placed in front of the body with each hand holding either handle of the band.
Max/Min. R.O.M. : The resistance band is designed to simulate many movements dependent upon what the user is trying to mimic. The band is not designed to create a resistance level high enough to reach a 1-RM max, but rather to use resistance to quantify a multiple RM level. Nor are bands designed to improve range of motion. Those who use the bands for rehabilitation, possibly those just recovering from surgery, may only be able to initially complete 1 repetition, and can build strength from there.
Resistance bands can work many joints of the body, depending on what a person wants to focus on training or rehabilitating. Bands can often be used to target the sacroiliac joint with a seated row movement. Bent over rows and chest presses can work the glenohumeral joints and the elbow joints. Band squats can work the knee and ankle joints.
Using all the above information, determine if the advertising claims of the manufacturer are valid:
If the claims have merit, identify those areas that are credible.
If any portion of the advertising is misleading, make a case for refuting the claims using sound principles of the exercise sciences.
Resistance bands offer many benefits over conventional weights and dumbbells. For one, they’re lighter and more convenient to pack while on vacation. Moreover, resistance bands offer constant tension on your muscles during the entire concentric and eccentric portions of the movement. That’s something you won’t get with free weights wherein resistance is dependent on gravity. And resistance bands can be used to many muscles in the body; they’re very versatile. Their versatility makes them a very attractive style of training.
An effective resistance band routine will yield results. I’d recommend keeping rest periods short; as one moves quickly from exercise to exercise, one will be able to get some great fat-burning cardiovascular benefits as well.
Although resistance bands allow portability and the freedom of movement, these two benefits can also be potential stumbling blocks. Certain exercises and motions require only that one stands on the band, but for other motions one may need to attach the band to a strong, stable surface at a certain height. It may be difficult to find a suitable stabilizing point, depending on the location. Also, the ability to provide resistance to almost any motion can be tantalizing; however, the risk performing the movement incorrectly is fairly high if one has not been taught proper form. My main concern with band usage lies within the knowledge of the user on proper body mechanics prior to use. Misalignment of the body during exercise can damage muscles, ligaments and tendons, and may cause serious pain. Talk to a certified trainer or exercise physiologist about the use of a resistance band first.
With proper coaching on the usage of resistance bands, I believe they can be a very effective apparatus for training and rehabilitation. I have personally used them when rehabilitating a knee injury, and have found them to be adequate tools in a physical therapy setting.
Is Stripping Aerobics for me?
Girl: Anyone know where they offer stripper pole aerobics classes in the area?
Me: My house ;P
Today via Facebook, one of my friends back from home posted a status that announced her interest in a new form of exercising, Stripper Aerobics.
The girl is a good friend from high school, so I decided to take the opportunity to make a witty remark. I mean my friend is a pretty attractive girl, no lie about that, so she probably (or actually, if you look at her FB wall) gets a lot of guys randomly hitting on her. It’s the small town of Visalia, so you have those kinda guys creeping on her FB all the time. I guess it’s the small price you pay for being pretty.
Also, trolling on FB is something I’m really good at.
But stripper pole aerobics? YES!!!!!!!!!!!
Stripping is not degrading; therefore, there is no shame in wanting to do stripper aerobics.
Here is an article by Jean Lawrence on MedicineNet.com explaining how stripping aerobics can shed off those unwanted-latenight-icecream-binge.-
To give professional strippers credit, stripping is hard. And yes this is a real profession known as EROTIC DANCING. In fact, anytime you have to pay taxes (I’ve learned), it’s considered a real job in the eyes of the United State Government.
But you know what, I applaud you stripping aerobics. Stripping is hard, I’ve tried it. And trust me, my so-called-strip-show for a bunch of sorority girls one random drunk night was not as good as the ones I’ve seen on Broadway Street on a late night in San Francisco.
Think about all the movements you have to make, all the muscles you have to use to climb up that slippery (and gross I know) silver, sometimes gold, pole, and all the dance moves you’re going to have to choreograph or reinvent to entertain your tent-pitching-guest.
Look at Carmen Electra. With her series of videos Carmen Electra Aerobic Striptease, she is one of the first pioneer of stripping aerobics. You know what, say what you want. But at age 40, she looks good.”
So girls, if you want to pick up stripping aerobics, I encourage you to. I mean when you walk into a really professional strip club, you should look at how good of shape those girls are. And I use the words “really professional” pretty loosely.
Of course however, stripper aerobics can’t fix a stripper’s face; but that’s your luck of the draw when you decide to stumble into a strip club after you and your buddies decide to leave the bars.
Who knows, maybe one day what you learn in stripping aerobics can come in handy. Maybe one day, you’re going to be trap in a fire and the only way out was to shimmy up a greased up pole that smells like cheap perfume. Or maybe perhaps (this would probably be the more practical use) one day, you and your future partner are brain storming ways to spice up your marriage and voilà! You’re able to pull out what you’ve learn in your erotic dancing [;)] classes. Then after you give your marriage a lil-spicy-salsa, you’re going to think ‘Thank you Airec, for convincing me to take stripping aerobics.’
Wishing you girls all the best and please don’t hurt yourself, Airec 😉
STRENGTH & CONDITIONING PROGRAM DESIGN CLASS
I have to do a report on a piece of training equipment. I can choose any type of fitness equipment or apparatus I want, as long as it is relevant in the fitness industry. Hmmm…I think I want to write about the resistance band. That’s a pretty versatile device. Any thoughts?
-Koleana K. M.