YouTube bro-king, Jimmy Tatro, produced a “How To” video about having sex on a plane with Brittney Furlan on his LifeAccordingToJimmy page. Although I doubt that this would work in real life, especially now that this guide for all you bros and hoes out there is out for all GDIs to see. It does provide some useful tips just-in-case you wanna try having sex on a plane.
So if you feel ballsy enough, try it out. I know I wouldn’t try it. Not because I wouldn’t mind joining the “Mile High Club” but mainly because I’m a giant p*ssy. This isn’t attributed to my Asianness, it’s just because I’m scared of getting caught. Also the idea of having sex next to the shitter probably would make me wanna shit myself. Iono, I just have a bowel problem and I enjoy my time on the throne. Or at work I call it “my office.”
I’ll admit that I haven’t thoroughly enjoyed a Jimmy T video as much as this one. I will agree with other people, via Internet, that the old Jimmy is back.
Also, I don’t know who this Brittney Furlan is but it seems like the YouTubers in the comment section hates her. She’s hot enough to get my attention. Unless she’s like a racist or doesn’t date Asians then I don’t really have any reasons to trash her name.
“I want to wander into your Narnia of sexual terror and emerge like a freshly birthed calf.”
Ridiculous statements like this that express feelings with the vocabulary of a douche-bag is what drives viewers to love the fictional character Schmidt on Fox’s sitcom “New Girl.” Although it’s safe to say that every character on the show is uniquely loveable, Schmidt (played by Max Greenfield) always finds a way to climb into our hearts and ache our sides.
If you haven’t been following “New Girl” then the YouTube clip posted above will give you a sample of Schmidt’s outrageously hilarious nature. And if you haven’t been following “New Girl” (it’s in its fourth season btw), then all I have to ask is what’s wrong with you?!?!?!
In my personal opinion, this has been one of the best sitcoms since “How I Met Your Mother.” This is my personal opinion that isn’t based on some kind of TV facts or percentage or pie chart of TV shows out there; I don’t have those numbers and I’m not that kind of Asian to find it . . .
But to prove a bit of my opinion, you can find some of the awards and nominations that “New Girl” has received at this Wikipedia page. The list includes an award for Most Exciting New Series in 2011 and numerous of nominations for Best Comedy Series. I guess if I was that kind of Asian then I guess I would have done some real work and got facts off a more reliable page. (Wikipedia put me through college, so we have a history together #sorryasianparents)
“New Girl” is a single-camera situational comedy that follows a set of roommates (1 girl and 3 boys) and their wacky adventures living in LA. A lot of their misadventures involves the common obstacles that we face in life (romance, roommate living situations, friendship, that one douche bag friend who says stupid things all the time, and of course sleeping with your friends), making the show hitting-too-close-to-home relatable if you’re in your mid 20’s to 30’s.
Of course there isn’t as many penises and cock-teases (mind the pun) of dragons like in HBO’s “Games of Thrones,” or as many mystery’s as ABC’s “Lost,” but “New Girl” still pulls its punches with its great writing to make you laugh till your guts hurts and nearly shat your pants.
But back to Schmidt.
He’s that one guy that will say off the wall assertions that will make you always remember him. Like that one friend who says the most stupidest, most ridiculous, borderline offensive things that you were too afraid to say but it’s hilarious, kinda friend. He lingers in your mind like George Costanza.
As the Schmidt sage continues, one cannot forget a trope that original fans will always remember, the “Douche Bag Jar.” BuzzFeed has kindly compiled 27 relateable Schmidt quotes here. Despite those being hilarious, douche-baggy statements like these cannot go unpunished, or else this would inspire a wave of yuppie, boat-shoe wearing, fake tan having, douche bags shooting their mouths off . . . possibly.
“You’re a lesbian and a gynecologist, which makes you, well . . . a vaginous.”
Great fusion of words there, Schmidt. But still, that’s a dollar into the douche bag jar – a check and balance of Schmidt unflattering side.
But why are words like douchey and yuppie automatically used to describe Schmidt? Why are people easily turned off by his lifestyle and witty wordplay? I believe it’s because people cannot handle him, for Schmidt is a man who speaks the truth: for he is a visionary of the modern-day man; he is the combination of fashion and musk. He says the thoughts that we all think but are too afraid to say with use of colorful imagery.
The shows light may shine on Nick Miller, but it’s Schmidt who takes the stage and lets us know his presence. Nick lets life takes him away with its current, Wilson is too goofy for his own good, but Schmidt takes action; he knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to let his needs be known!
Along with his San Francisco-Marina-like side, Schmidt does have a heart. This fitness obsessed, career driven, Jewish man was not always this douchey. Originally a fat kid, Schmidt does have a soft side. With his constant pursuit after Cece and his selfless acts for his friends, one can accept his outlandish comments and unpleasantries. Here are some loveable moments at BuzzFeed’s 40 Things That Will Make You Love Schmidt Even More.
Would this show continue if Max Greenfield didn’t portray the animated and loveable man with a deviant smile that’s up to no good trickster named Schmidt? I think not. This witty Jewish man can turn any random coupling of words into a semi-offensive-witty-hilarious-break-you-from-concentration quote, which will probably turn into a meme with the help of the internet! Well, I’m sure the goofiness of the other characters will still drive the show, but none will be as memorably bold and loose-lipped as Schmidt.
PS, my buddy Juno often compares me to Schmidt since I grew up largely overweight and don’t have a filter for a mouth (so I tend to say stupid things). Probably why I wrote this tribute.
So everyone has seen this video right? David Guetta staring off into a sea of people as he gets lost in the surreal reality of Tomorrowland (2014), looking likes he’s tripping balls as he’s about to drop Major Lazer – Watch Out for This . . . TOOOOO FUNNY!
My friends and I couldn’t get enough of it. We commented and laughed, pressed replay and laughed some more. Then we tried to come up with ideas on why Guetta had that bewildered look on his face that humiliating day. Of course we thought it was a simple case of druggitis.
However, as I was looking for a video to post online, I stumbled upon this bit of information on the comment section of YouTube.
Then my curiosity somehow (like always) defeated my will to sleep and I did a little digging.
And sadly I found out it was true!!! How did the world not know this?!?! Or at least if some people did know this depressing information, why are they still laughing?!?! Is the EDM world not a world built upon caring, and especially to one of its own?!?!?
You may hate this man for selling out or having predictable sets, but you have to at least admire his success and his (mainstream and predictable) semi-kinda-maybe-if-I’m-in-the-right-mood fun kind-of sets. No one should go through a divorce, let alone have it occur a few days before one of the biggest EDM events in the world.
Now when I look at this video that (with the help with the hate for David Guetta) has made it viral, I no longer know if he’s tripping ballz or just lost by the dark clouds of events that had just transpired before Tomorrowland 2014. Sh*t, if I had to guess, it probably would be a little bit of “I’m pretty blitzed out of my mind because I’m at one of the biggest parties in the world and my wife just left me” and “my wife who coordinates my events of 20 years just left me.” Iono for sure.
So after you watch this video numerous of times on repeat, while laughing your ass off with your friends, while making fun of Guetta, just remember that despite the massive amounts of money and “alright” live sets that he is human too with human ups and (in this video documented case) downs. It’s easy to jump the gun and assume something; especially with celebrities.
For some of y’all who don’t know, there has been a Twerking epidemic in America. In countless clubs from the East to West Coast, drunk girls have fallen under the spell of the Twerk which causes them to get into a 2 point stance or on all 4(s) on the floor and shake their booty to hip-hop beats as they try to attract their mate (for the night).
To help explain the image of this cursed, but enticing movement (I mean come on guys, it’s great to see in da club), here is a video of a girl performing this act:
Not only are nightclubs in America infested with this (insert positive or negative adjective here) range of motion, but so are our high schools. Our nations youth are feeling “Twerk Fever.”
In San Diego, 33 high school girls were suspended for a Twerk video that they filmed and posted on YouTube.
The principal suspended the teenagers involved because it was filmed on school grounds using school equipment. (Sucks they got suspended, but funny as hell).
So ladies, if you feel your intoxicated friend is about to get-her-Twerk-on, please stop her from embarrassing herself. And gentlemen, do the right thing and protect her lady status in high society . . .
. . . or you can take the devilishly hilarious alternative route.
Upon a situation where you feel the need to Twerk, you may be under the influence or just simply bored. So you may encourage the Twerkness to happen. You maybe feel the need to tell your drunk female, or male, friend to shake her (or his) booty in the air like it’s protesting something at San Francisco State. (If y’all don’t know, they’re a lot of protests at SF State).
It does not matter if they are doing it right or wrong, just make sure you have a camera out to film that shit so you can embarrass the shit out of them later.
Here is a funny Twerk video of a woman getting out-Twerk at an iHop . . . BY A GUY!
As you can tell, at the end of the video the woman notices her defeat and tries to rebuttal her loss with some more booty shaking. However, all that ass is not enough to regain the upper hand (or cheek).
So note this girls, just because you are a woman, or super attractive with an amazing booty that is a gift from God, you can still lose a Twerk battle due to your poor technique.
Check out this male who has foully caught the Twerk disease (but it’s super fuckin funny to watch this Asian guy scare the Twerk outta White people in Canada).
Now that you know, it is in your power to stop this “Twerk Fever” from spreading even more . . . or help it spread so you can laugh your Twerk off!
-Hoping for the best, Sype
PS, Hot chicks in the club Twerking . . . HOT! And if you’re not, please don’t try, nobody wants to have nightmares later.
PSS, here is an awesome video of a guy asking a girl out to prom with the POWER OF TWERKING!!! Shake that booty brotha, Shake that booty!
Today BART trains stayed in their stations and were not ran. BART union workers striked for higher pay and other accommodations. Many people from the East Bay were not able to commute or venture into San Francisco . . .
And thus, today was the first ratchet-less day that San Francisco has seen since 1972. (Trust me, I caught the end of Gay Pride yesterday after work and that was ratchet as fuck).
Hoping y’all find another ride to the City or hoping you’re having a fun time at home, I know it messed up my day.
-A condition that most people feel after a 24 hour period or when arriving back at home after EDC
-There is a feeling of depression that EDC is over or that you are no longer around your EDC friends
-Your mind keeps replaying images and favorite memories of EDC like a movie of sometime that happened a long time ago
-The only thing that can help you through this condition is by talking to your crew about EDC and how much you miss it or make plans about when the next time y’all gonna see each other
I know that EDC just happened. So does my friends and fellow rave crew members The ZipperSquad. You may have seen us around taking gianormous group pictures in front of the zipper ride at midnight. Or you might have seen my car which was tagged #sorryasianparents.
Well, any who, a bunch of us have this disorder ATM. EDC was the shit. I’ll put together a longer blog post later when my brain isn’t trying to attack itself or my skull. This hangover is deadly.
Alright Bros, with festival season quickly approaching us, or here with EDC just a few hours away, we have to kick our asses in high gear and whip it in shape!
Let’s look at this, so you wanna get girls like her:
So you realize that you need to look like this:
However, you look like this 😦
But have no fear, here are some simple things that you can either do at the gym or around your house to get into that ripped, sweaty abs showing, buff-fist-pumping shape to get the “Bytches.”
First workout that I recommend is the pushup. Every bro out there loves chest, which is why every testosterone-pump-jockey hounds the bench. But you don’t need a bench to have a nice chest; all you need is the ground and your body.
The great thing about pushups is that it doesn’t only work out your chest, but it also works out your shoulders, back, triceps, and yes, the ever so mighty core. When you’re benching, the bench takes away from working your core and just focuses on your bigger muscles, neglecting the smaller muscles that is needed to hold everything together. When you are in a pushup position, you force your core to use itself to hold still, which also engages your back muscles. And this is just from holding that position alone. Remember, the missionary position is basically a plank, or a push-up position; you’re not gonna bench a girl during sex.
“Oh Airec, if I only do pushups, my chest won’t get bigger.”
Maybe your chest won’t get bigger, but it will be more toned. And do you really need a big chest at a rave anyways? You’re trying to look RIPPED here, not match-that-hot-chick-next-to-you bra-size.
Second workout I would suggest is the pull-up. The pull-up is great because it works out your shoulders, back, biceps, and forearms. There many different ways to do a pull-up. You can do overhand or underhand grip, close grip or wide. Of course the different grip and width of your pull-up will target and shape your back differently. I’m not gonna go into the different kinda pull-ups, but you can click on the hyperlink and explore it yourself.
The reason why I believe pull-ups are important is because when you are dancing and a girl is checking you out (AKA creeping from afar), it’s from either the side or the back. Usually the back as you’re fist pumping away to LEVELS (bro). So when she’s checking you out, you want her to think “damn, that guy gots a nice back,” not “damn, you can see his flab vibrate every time he fist pumps. It kinda goes to the beat.” This way the longer her eyes are on you, you have a higher chance of catching her predatory glare when you turn around.
A third workout that is super important is squats. Friends don’t let friends miss leg days. Think about it, at a festival you’re always on your feet, jumping around, or “shuffling.” I put that in quotations because come on guys, when we’re seeing an artist (drunk or sober) we all jump around and move our feet. We like to think we are shuffling although we are just jumping around like dumb-asses hoping that everyone else would understand your spastic leg movements as shuffling. (I do this all the time.) If your butt is too sore, just jump around. WORK OUT THOSE CALVES!!!
Also, another important thing about doing squats, or lower body workouts in general, is your ability to hoist a girl onto your shoulders. I mean come on guys, we have all been there. Whether there is a random cutie around or a girl that you’re into, you wanna show her how awesomely strong you are and hope that she asks you to put her on your shoulders. This way you can impress her with your strength as she admires the crowd from a skyline view and all the other bros can respect your strength.
So do those squats, make that ass clap.
These three workouts should help you out for festivals. If you do these workouts with high reps and increase frequency to increase heart rate, then you’ll be burning away your beer belly in no time.
Now I’m not saying that these three workouts are the only things that you should only do. Of course throw in some abdominal exercises, cardio, and the piece de resistance, arm workouts (suns out guns out baby). Gotta make sure those abs are rock hard just in case you wanna wipe the sweat off your face with the bottom of your tank exposing your abs discreetly. We’ve all been there bro, yadda mean.
Obviously I’m not a kinesiology major, or a doctor, like my partner KokoKai, so you can take what I say with a grain, or a canister, of salt. I’m not in the best shape ever, but I still know a little bit of helpful advice. This is what has worked out for my friends and I so I just wanted to share some of it with you, with some additional (panda) commentary. Plus you don’t want to be that awkward guy at a festival telling your in-shape friends to put on their tank/shirts just because they have abs and you don’t . . . I’ve been there before.
So good luck hunting my fellow bros, #tanktoptime
P.S. Don’t forget cardio and diet, workouts are nothing without a good foundation of cardio and diet.
P.S.S. But that doesn’t mean stop eating your fave food or drinking beer, cuz I know I enjoy shitty food and beer (;P)