A Newlyweds Hilarius “Drunk History”
By Airec Sype.
After surviving to the age of 23, with the help of alcohol, I started noticing that everyone was entering serious-long-term relationships. Then after the age of 24, everyone and their mammas were getting married. Since then, I’ve been to a few weddings and engagement parties. One of the reoccurring tasks that I noticed couples doing at these occasions is the retelling of how they first met. I’m sure it’s a story that they have all rehearsed and painfully enjoy telling. Those love birds. It’s their day after all.
One newlyweds, Justin & Jill, created a lifehack to tell their origin story to all of their families and friends at their reception in one fell swoop. Like many that have come to pass before, they created a video. However, it’s not just any ordinary video, it’s a parody of Comedy Central’s Drunk History. If you have no clue what Drunk History is, then let me explain: it’s basically a bunch of comedians getting drunk and retelling history. Pretty simple and awesomely funny. You should check it out.
I first caught news of this awesome video on BuzzFeed. I was hesitant at first, but I’m so glad I clicked on it. At first, I thought that it was going to be one of those sappy post about how two people met and fell in-love, like those on EliteDaily. Well it is . . . but this is soooooo much better and a million times more awesome.
A few words from the drunk lovebirds about the video:
Yesterday we got married. We didn’t want to waste time at the wedding reception having to answer the question “how did you two meet?”, so with the help of a few friends and a lot of booze we made this video to show at the rehearsal dinner. Enjoy! (WARNING: a few f-bombs from my drunken bride, delicate ears beware.)
What were their guest thoughts about the video after viewing? I don’t know. But I can assume that some definitely had a lot of side clinching laughs . . . along with some cringing disapproved faces. I would pony up an open bar at my wedding if my how-they-met-video can be as cool as this.
Here’s to a long and exciting marriage, Sype.
Bros Guide to Creeping on Girls at a Festival/Rave
NOTE: I did mean to write “rafe.”
By Airec Sype
(Disclaimer from me, Sype, the thoughts and views expressed in this blog post does not reflect my views on women nor does it mean that I’m a douche at a festival hitting on girls. I respect women and respectfully creep on them from afar and would not physically creep on them. This is just a satirical response to my friend, and amazing writer, Stephanie Q’s, article: Flirting vs Friendly. So enjoy. Thank you.)
Alright bros, it’s getting to be that time of year again, my favorite time of year, FESTIVAL SEASON!!!
Festival season is great because you can rage hard, pump fists and hit on half-naked-chicks. The first two parts of my list are simple and easy to do, every bro from gym rats to nerds can partake with ease.
That last part however, might be difficult for some bros in the quest for that sweet sweaty rave gash.
So here are some quick easy tips for getting girls at a rafe. Use them wisely boys.
1. 1. If she likes your kandi, then she wants dat D.
Look bros, if some girl takes the time to burrow her way through the crowd to say “I like your kandi,” then that means she’s trying to talk to you. If she’s complimenting you then she’s deff hitting on you, dawg. No way that chick is trying to leave her pack of (pussy) cats, risking the chance of being creeped on by some beta if she wasn’t trying to get some of that ALPHA!
2. 2. There’s no way a girl is just trying to dance.
If a girl is up there shaking her carefully crafted booty, then she’s waiting for some Alpha to say “sup.” There’s no way that she spent all that time in the gym, preparing all those pansy “meal preps” for the week and trying all those trendy fad cleanses to just be with the girls. (Unless she’s a lesbian then I’m fine with that. As long as I’m there.) She’s at a festival, so that means she’s down to party! Grow some balls, go up there and talk to her. The more baggage the better bro; bonus points if she hates her dad.
3. 3. Bump and GRIND!!!
Just sneakily walk up behind her and start pumping that fist. Flex those biceps, shrug those shoulders, you’re not wearing that tank top cuz it’s comfortable. You spent all that time in the gym and taken all the diet meth that GNC sold ya, so walk up to her and show her what those steroids got cha. Strategically pump that fist next to her and “accidentally” bump into her. If she bumps back then that means she wants it.
4. 4. Uplift her hand and into her rave panties.
Right before that sick drop from one of those awesome Top 10 bangers, there is an overused build-up. You gotta look at her and say, “I love this part.” If she says something back, even if you don’t hear her, you gotta grab her hand and lift it in the air. This shows her that you’re sensitive and shit. They like cheese, feelings. At this point, she should have either retracted your hand cuz you’re a rapist or kept it there. And if it’s still there then she is left defenseless and you gotta seize this moment to hold her hand or strategically give her a twirl into your back attack grinding position.
5. 5. Hugs baby, hugs.
Rave chicks love to hug and cuddle. Give her the nod, then she’ll know she’s yours. During a song, hug her. It’s a reason to get close. Make sure she smells your alpha smell that has been manifesting since the banger dropped. Cuddle hard and remember that girls love it when you say creepy things to them.
6. 6. She doesn’t just want to be friends.
No Alpha settles in the friend-zone. If she says that she only wants to be friends then you gotta move onto the next cunt. She’s not ready for an alpha like you. However, if you want to try and fist pump your way out of the friend-zone, then you better hope you’re alpha enough. Just play the friend card for awhile. Girls like aggressiveness. It’s an uphill battle but you can do it bro.
Alright bros, I’ve given you some tips on how to be successful at getting that sweet rave thang. Just don’t be Chester the Molester here. Don’t creep hard because no girl likes a desperate bro. If she don’t like you then just move on. You got this bro. Rave hard. BE. ALPHA. AS. F*CK!!!!
PS, don’t do any of this . . . bro.
There is No ‘first date’ When Being a Peace Corps Volunteer.
An assumption my family & friends are constantly buzzing around is that I’ll find the love of my life while serving in Peace Corps. Let me clear the air by stating that Peace Corps is not a dating service nor a marriage agency. With that being said, there may be some truth to the saying that when you surround yourself with people on the same mission as you- I suppose it can be relatively easy to fall for one of them.
Peace Corps Volunteers are grouped together in cohorts and sent to developing countries for our service. We don’t get to pick who is in our cohort, headquarters put us together based on the type of work we will be doing abroad. I met the other 34 members of my cohort in Philadelphia, then we all hopped on the plane together to South Africa.
We all fall in to 1 of 3 categories: 1. married and serving with your spouse, 2. in a relationship with someone back in America, or 3. (most are) single…wondering what their romantic life will be like these next two years. Speaking from personal experience, I came to this country without dating being on my priority list, I hadn’t given it much thought (ahem, already kinda wifed up at the time). I came to work, to immerse myself in my village and to try to make an impact in whatever way I can. Saving the world and such. After being in country for a bit, I quickly realized that Peace Corps can be like an extension of college life . . . if you replace the college keggers with humanitarian work.
“How often do you see other volunteers?”
Volunteers work full-time, most weekdays, but when weekends come around, we look for every opportunity to get together with other PCVs and rage face for 2 days before starting the cycle all over again. There are a lot of Dr. Phil venting sessions fueled by booze and tears, and yes, there is sex too, all mixed in with hikes, safaris & a general interest in exploring Africa’s terrain. Here is a funny read about sex and the Peace Corps from a fellow (sex ninja) RPCV.
I didn’t expect to be in such close proximity to other volunteers, to be able to see them basically every weekend. I didn’t expect booze to be so readily available, and so God-awfully cheap! It’s like summer camp for over-sized kids who want to save the world! And most of all, I didn’t expect romance to creep up into volunteer life as much as it has.
“Do people date in Peace Corps?”
The struggle is that there are no ‘first dates’ in Peace Corps. While people in first world countries can say things like “let’s get to have coffee” or “let’s get together for lunch one afternoon” if you want to spend a little time getting to know someone interesting, us PCVs are trying to navigate through a different structure of dating…“Wanna spend the weekend together?”
Yeah, you’re going to have to speed through a feeeeeeew steps.
We have to travel several hours on public transportation to visit each other, so visits are not simply for a few hours only. If you think you might have a connection with someone, you spend an entire weekend together to explore that spark. Nightlife and other forms of entertainment are so uncommon here, that you’ll spend a lot of face time just getting to know each other without the distractions of other people or noisiness of clubs.
So it’s like the opposite of Tinder . . .
Here is a video for someone else P.C. love story:
“Do PCVs only date other PCVs?”
I’m glad you asked. There are PCVs who date HCNs (host country nationals), but that’s a whole nother beast. We came to this country to fight HIV, and sadly some PCVs leave this country having contracted the virus themselves. So while mixing & mingling with South Africans may seem enticing and easy, a lot of PCVs steer clear of this temptation and turn to other PCVs to satisfy the natural need for carnal embrace.
“Is it true people will want to marry because they want to become US citizens?”
The answer is Yes, and it’s extremely annoying. Walking to and from work everyday, it is common to hear “I love you baby I want to marry you” being shouted in my direction from across the road. These guys are partially just being asses, but mostly serious. They will cat-call, stalk you, and shout marriage proposals over & over until they get your attention- all over the assumption that marrying an American girl will somehow grant them American citizenship, wealth and fame. It’s almost like being creeped on by Sype at a club.
The host country females are on this same hype too. “Do you have any brothers?” is a common question chicks like to ask me. I guess in the hopes that I’ll organize a betrothal for them to an American man. Why does everyone think America is so great? Hahaha. If they only knew the truth . . .
Romantic relationships blossom in a peculiar way when serving in the Peace Corps, and maneuvering the ebb & flow of volunteer life becomes more bearable when you have another PCV to hold your hand through it. They say roughly 80% of PCVs return to America in love. I don’t know how much I trust stats floating around the internet, but it gives you an idea of what Peace Corps dating is like.
Don’t feel sorry for us though! At least we are able to avoid the awkward self consciousness that comes with first dates, as described by Wedding Crashers’ Vince Vaughn:
A Bros Insight on Valentine’s Day: A Day of Hate & Love?
Ah yes, it’s that time again, a time where couples ravish one another with elaborate gifts and post Facebook status singling single people out, once again reminding them of their lonesome partner-less life. It’s mother fugging Valentines Day!
A little history lesson (after browsing Wikipedia): Valentine’s Day is also known as Saint Valentine’s Day, named after the saint (you probably guessed it) Valentine. And who is St. Valentine? He was a saint back in the day who was imprisoned by the Roman Empire because he preformed weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry.
Anyways, blah blah blah, wrote a letter to the daughter of his jailer before his execution and signed it with “Your Valentine,” blah blah blah. Christian churches also celebrate his feat with the Feast of Saint Valentine, blah blah blah.
Yeah, that’s probably all the history lesson we need.
But here in America, Valentine’s Day is more of a commercial celebration instead of a religious stature. Like I said, on V-Day (I know, it sounds like a horrible STD, ironic right) singles are reminded of their singleness (Valentine’s Day AKA Singles Appreciation Day), and couples try to outdo one another; framing their courtship via social media.
Lets say it’s V-Day morning and you decide to wake up and browse your news feed and lo and behold, your news feed is dominated with couples doing couply things, pictures bragging their love and valentine gifts are in your fucking face telling you they have someone and you don’t. But you can’t be mad at them, it’s not their fault that they’re annoying the love out of you . . . oh wait, no, it is their fucking fault!
Elite Daily has some examples of these habits you’re doomed to encounter on social media:
Check out their three examples of people you will see on V-day, its pretty spot on.
Social media is not the only place where you will encounter Valentine’s Day frustrations. Once you step out of your dark and lonely room and into the love tainted world of Feb. 14, you will run into couples, lovey dovey couples, everything is painted fucking pink and red with false shaped hearts every-fucking-where, alongside the war-zone of cupids’ arrow. And prepare for the worst when approaching young love birds. At first, they will seem cute and warming. . . and then once their innocent love is tainted by lust and pornographic heathenism, you cannot help but avert your eyes!
Here is Guyism telling us 7 of the Worst Things about Couples:
I probably agree with number 4: PDA the most. Especially in enclosed environment, such as public transportation, is the fucking worst. Seriously, we’re on the bus and not a fucking rave, take your hands out of her pants and stop trying to eat your partners face. You don’t need to show me your “love” on the MUNI because it’s fucking disgusting. PUT YOUR TONGUE BACK INTO YOUR MOUTH AND SAVE IT FOR HOME!!! I don’t care if in the comfort of your own home you cats like to make out or practice the Australian Kiss (a kiss from down under), just not next to me on the bus. The SF MUNI is already vomitous and full of diseases; I don’t need to worry about catching anything else.
Well, all of that said, we single people are not the beez-knezz either. Yea yea, we are reminded that we’re single and (imagine me saying this in a hippy-hipster voice) “Valentine’s Day is a lame consumerist holiday made up by the card companies” blah blah blah . . . but we can’t help but feel left out in all of cupids’ magic: so we hate.
Here are some people who felt left out of the magic and tried to make up for it (and probably some of these are parodies):
Or, you could be one of those people who’s actually in a relationship but actually wanna break up with your partner because you hate Valentine’s Day – or you secretly hate them – but you’re too pussy to break up with them so you just ride it out. . . I guess you can take some helpful hints from Jimmy Tatro on how to instead of breaking up with your partner, you can annoy them in breaking up with you:
Seriously, watch this video. Fucking. Brotastic.
But V-day is really a day to celebrate love with your partner. I mean sure, you can rebut that you don’t need a day to show your love, but fuck it, you don’t need a day to give presents but you have Christmas; you don’t need a day to get super drunk while your friends try to kill you with free alcohol but you have birthdays; you don’t need a day to randomly drunkenly kiss a stranger but we have New Years; you don’t need a. . . I’ll probably just stop here.
Oh, here’s a tip guys: If your girl, or whatever she is, says to you that she doesn’t wanna do anything for Valentine’s Day then she’s a FUGGING liar. She’s just saying that so the words Valentine’s Day is in your head. Just do something, if anything something small. Shit, get her a Happy Meal. Just something.
Death Cab for Cutie will explain my emo feelings for this day:
My friend Juno posted something on my Facebook wall with the caption of #ForeverAlone to remind me of my Valentine’s Day defeat.
And yes, he has a girlfriend, and yes, he is a douchebag.
But the link he posted up was a Facebook study stating that San Francisco is the worst place to try and obtain a relationship. Hmm wait, I currently live in San Francisco . . . shit.
Oh well, you can’t depend on Facebook for everything. But I can try and beat the odds. I guess if I wanna get into a “relationship,” according to Facebook, I’m either gonna have to move to Colorado or somehow con a woman in getting into a relationship with me and passing the benchmark of three months. Seems easy enough.
Personally I like Valentine’s Day and would love to ravish some girl with my courtship n’ all-up-in-that. But sadly I’m single and do not have anyone to give my seed **cough** I mean my gifts, to. I guess I could do what I did last year and take a friend out on a Valentine’s Day date and throw money around just say I did something . . . or I can gather a group of single people my age and say FUCK IT and go to a rave. . . I think I’m gonna do the latter (:P)
-Till next time and hopefully you wrap your tool and not get an STD this V-Day, Sype.
-PS, here are some funny anti-Valentine’s Day gifts from Buzzfeed:
-PPS, I love bad bit***s and that’s my fucking problem. –A$AP Rocky