Finger Blasting (verb) – The act of inserting one’s finger(s) repeatedly, with vigorous force, into another person or their vagina or anus.
“Bob is a little pissed that I finger blasted his ex-girlfriend last night at the movies.”
Now that we got the technical terms out-of-the-way, let’s talk about finger blasting. For those who are not used to vulgar and crude humor (or were not in the Greek system in college), the term ‘finger blasting’ may be a foreign or familiar concept. This is not the case for me; every time I say it, I cannot help but giggle at the sheer silliness of the 14 letters that compose such an act.
My friend Heaven (yes that’s her real name and not her stage name) did not believe me that this word -this word that made her cringed at a bar during Taco Tuesday- was valid. She believed my fraternity and I made it up, until I showed her proof. I don’t know if the idea or culture of ‘finger blasting’ came from the ancient Greeks themselves or from the early frat houses of young America, but it’s currently sweeping the Nation with giggles and disgust! Here is the ever so reliable Urban Dictionary providing the evidence of finger blasting!
Now the reason why I’m so juiced up on this rediscovered word is because I realized how American the term ‘finger blasting’ is. This realization came when I was trading hook-up terminology with my Irish friends who are here on their J1 visas. They shared with me the term ‘shifting.’ Which means to ‘make out with,’ or ‘French kissing.’ So then I traded them the marvelous F.B.!!!
I’m sure this wasn’t the first time these pale kids with cute accents have heard of ‘finger blasting,’ but I’m sure this is the first real time that they had to really think about it. As their cognitive brains slowly processed the term and stored it in their memory banks, their faces showed their reaction: the girls cringed to its imagery of their own flowers getting blasted, while the guys giggled as they pictured a rapid penetration of someone they yearn for by their own hand-gun.
The reason why I believe ‘finger blasting’ is such an American word is because of the aggressiveness of the implied action. When you look at the terms ‘shifting’ or ‘French kissing,’ they just seems so elegant, peaceful, and so European. Now when you say ‘finger blasting,’ it’s so American to take charge and impose one’s will. You’re not simply fingering but you’re also blasting! An act of passion that holds a key to open the door to sex has now become a barrage of angry SWAT members knocking down lush (and hopefully shaven) pink doors, guns a-blazing!
If you need another reason to giggle at the marvelous term ‘finger blasting,’ check out Amy Schumer’s skit that is posted above. I’m sure it’s going to shock you (;P) I don’t even want to ruin the video for you by describing it. So. Funny!!! Now, if you even need more proof how Americans have owned up to the term ‘finger blasting,’ Thought Catalog has compiled “Top 5 On-Screen Fingerblangs” by Kat George in popular American media. You’ll probably see some familiar faces there!
Also, if all this talk about finger blasting gets you in the mood to call over a Tinder date, then make sure you do it right. Kat George, here she is again, has an another F.B. article on Vice about common finger blasting mistakes. It holds tips such as- clip your finger nails and make sure you don’t blast your way past the clit. A good read for you rookie blasters out there who just got your gun licenses.
Welp, I hope you all get the idea of finger blasting. This post isn’t to promote people to blast away at in a dark night club, or in a dim movie theater; this post is to poke fun at the word and giggle inappropriately. I’m not a ‘finger blasting’ advocate trying to make the term into Websters. (Those fraternity days are behind me!) I just think F.B. is a funny word. If you do decide to partake, make sure you finger blast intelligently; you don’t know when you’re going to accidentally hurt someone or get kicked out of a Carnage pool party in Vegas for ‘finger blasting’ some random chick in the pool during EDC week. Those guns are meant to be used responsibly and behind closed doors!
The Internet is offended again with recent comments from Marvel superstars Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner (if you didn’t already know: Captain America and Hawkeye) when asked about Black Widow’s fictional-flip-flopping relationship with the two superheros.
I don’t really follow press junkets or movie promo-tours, but this one recently caught my attention after seeing it on BuzzFeed. This touchy subject matter also ties in with my last post about SNL “Teacher Trail” skit and how the Internet was also angry in pants.
Some people called them “assholes” and even renounced their love and appreciation for the two men. If you want to see some of the pissed off people via Twitter, check out Uproxx post here.
Yet not everyone was preparing pitch-forks and lighting torches. BuzzFeed shows some people who didn’t find it so offensive and calling it a “joke.” Yes, some were women; and of course YouTuber’s also chimed in with their rants.
Are you happy now internet, will you see Avengers: Age of Ultron again?
I understand why people were upset with their comments: these two white men of power thought it was OK to use slut-shamming words despite the fact that it was a joke.
Damn, if this is the state of the world that we’re in today where we can’t make jokes then how do we laugh at things. America really does like being offended in everything. The two men didn’t mean any malice with their words.
Let’s be real here, if Captain America and Hawkeye were really there and you asked those two fictional men about how they feel about a woman bouncing from the two of them then I’m sure they would not be pleased. It’s like finding out your ex is now hooking up with another one of your bros. Hell yeah I’ll call her a homie hopper.
If you want to dig a little deeper, comic books in America has been really big on sex and slutty outfits. Look at Starfire in the New 52’s or Batman fighting Nightwing shirtless . . . but still with their respected mask on. Sex sells in comic books, and like a sitcom EVERYONE hooks up with each other.
Was it sexist? Yeah. However, if a promiscuous man was sleeping around, he’s a douche-bag or a whore right!?!?! He has no respect for woman so we should call him names right? Then is that sexist?
Whatever I guess. This is just one Asian straight male opinion on the whole situation. I could be wrong in this economics of free ideas. I’m not saying that we should go around slut-shamming woman. But sometimes when you get your heartbroken certain words that degrades a specific gender will slip out.
A wrestling coach in CREIGHTON, MO, was accused of having sex with a student . . . it seems like this ole song and dance has been popping up more frequently these days.
But before you cringe and picture some old creepy man putting his hands on some hot barely legal teen that’s straight out of a porno, lets look at the accused from a pic that I’m ripping off of KTCV5:
This lady here is Megan Baker, 25 years of age, and her victim is a 17 year-old male. I first caught this story off of UPROXX. Although can we really call the boy a victim if he was clearly “bragging about it” to all of his bros about how he banged his wrestling coach on a school bus.
Here are some funny comments relating to this story:
I hear ya Yogi, I would have swiped right as well. But I don’t really have high standards for girls and anything positive in my life anyways. We had a girl on our wrestling team when I was there, but this one here is much cuter. Or I guess any girl is cute when you’re surrounded a bunch of half-naked guys.
Iono, maybe she was trying to show this kid a rear naked choke, or the scissor. There a bunch of new wrestling moves now-a-days. I hear the scissor is a frequent move in some alternative types of combat videos.
I don’t feel bad for this kid tho; the victim card was no longer liable after the 5th high five. Talk about ending your season with a bang right! Stupid kid should have kept his mouth shut. But then again, what did she expect banging a high school kid. High school boys are idiots and will shoot their mouths off the moment something epic happens . . . and this kid just experienced about a quarter of the porns out there!
The other scenarios to this story could be that the boy forced himself onto her? He’s a wrestler; he probably knows some enticing moves like the 69 or flying V. Wrestlers are pretty strong. There must be something wrong if a ok-but-not-hot looking girl like her can’t get guys her age. It’s not that hard getting a horny guy into you.
In all seriousness, I hope no one was violated and hurt. I can only end this with a nice South Park gif.