Also, a fun fact, this year marks the 101st birthday for this Hallmark holiday.
If you read Handwerk’s article then you will find out that this holiday is much more than afternoon brunch in the Marina, over-priced flowers and posting an Instagram picture of you and yo momma.
The roots of M-Day started in the 1850s when Ann Reeves Jarvis organized a Mother’s Day festival . . . I mean workshop (LOL MILF Festivals) . . . to “improve sanitary conditions and try to lower infant mortality by fighting disease and curbing milk contamination.” This army of mothers also tended to the wounded from both sides of the U.S. Civil War.
After Jarvis’s death, her daughter Ann Jarvis (same name) created Mother’s Day in 1908 to honor her deceased mother. The reason why Jarvis decided the name should be “Mother’s Day” instead of “Mothers’ Day” is because today is the day to celebrate “the best mother you’ve ever known,” this day is not to celebrate all mothers. Let’s face it, some moms can be b*tches.
The sad part about the Jarvis story is that she spent most of her life trying to fight the commercialism of Mother’s Day. Her intimate day to love her mother was rapidly stolen from her. The American capitalists saw that there was money to be made and transformed M-Day into what we now as overpriced flowers and a cheap reason to bring your mom to a bar for a free shot. Well not my mom- she’s Asian so she doesn’t drink. Alcoholism only runs in the boy’s side of my family (;P)
With Americans spending about $19.9 billion a year on M-Day and reports saying that M-Day is the most popular day for dinning out, it makes me a little sad that Jarvis made no money from this. She was obviously not successful in her battle against the evils of the mainstream and commercialism.
Instead of capitalizing on the financial success of her holiday, she took the high road and did not give in to greed. She never had children of her own so it’s tragic to see her one creation taken from her and reshaped into something she hated in front of her very eyes.
Well, I hope you all enjoyed Mother’s Day. I almost forgot to call my mom yesterday. She would have been a sad panda . . . I’m a bad Asian. So next year remember it’s about showing your mother how much you love her, and not about expensive gifts. However, if your mom does expect an expensive gift then she doesn’t love you and is only using you so you need to break up with her and get a new mom who will love you unconditionally.
Keep up the good work moms of the world. And you bad moms out there, tisk tisk.
(Disclaimer from me, Sype, the thoughts and views expressed in this blog post does not reflect my views on women nor does it mean that I’m a douche at a festival hitting on girls. I respect women and respectfully creep on them from afar and would not physically creep on them. This is just a satirical response to my friend, and amazing writer, Stephanie Q’s, article: Flirting vs Friendly. So enjoy. Thank you.)
Alright bros, it’s getting to be that time of year again, my favorite time of year, FESTIVAL SEASON!!!
Festival season is great because you can rage hard, pump fists and hit on half-naked-chicks. The first two parts of my list are simple and easy to do, every bro from gym rats to nerds can partake with ease.
That last part however, might be difficult for some bros in the quest for that sweet sweaty rave gash.
So here are some quick easy tips for getting girls at a rafe. Use them wisely boys.
1. 1. If she likes your kandi, then she wants dat D.
Look bros, if some girl takes the time to burrow her way through the crowd to say “I like your kandi,” then that means she’s trying to talk to you. If she’s complimenting you then she’s deff hitting on you, dawg. No way that chick is trying to leave her pack of (pussy) cats, risking the chance of being creeped on by some beta if she wasn’t trying to get some of that ALPHA!
2. 2. There’s no way a girl is just trying to dance.
If a girl is up there shaking her carefully crafted booty, then she’s waiting for some Alpha to say “sup.” There’s no way that she spent all that time in the gym, preparing all those pansy “meal preps” for the week and trying all those trendy fad cleanses to just be with the girls. (Unless she’s a lesbian then I’m fine with that. As long as I’m there.) She’s at a festival, so that means she’s down to party! Grow some balls, go up there and talk to her. The more baggage the better bro; bonus points if she hates her dad.
3. 3. Bump and GRIND!!!
Just sneakily walk up behind her and start pumping that fist. Flex those biceps, shrug those shoulders, you’re not wearing that tank top cuz it’s comfortable. You spent all that time in the gym and taken all the diet meth that GNC sold ya, so walk up to her and show her what those steroids got cha. Strategically pump that fist next to her and “accidentally” bump into her. If she bumps back then that means she wants it.
4. 4. Uplift her hand and into her rave panties.
Right before that sick drop from one of those awesome Top 10 bangers, there is an overused build-up. You gotta look at her and say, “I love this part.” If she says something back, even if you don’t hear her, you gotta grab her hand and lift it in the air. This shows her that you’re sensitive and shit. They like cheese, feelings. At this point, she should have either retracted your hand cuz you’re a rapist or kept it there. And if it’s still there then she is left defenseless and you gotta seize this moment to hold her hand or strategically give her a twirl into your back attack grinding position.
5. 5. Hugs baby, hugs.
Rave chicks love to hug and cuddle. Give her the nod, then she’ll know she’s yours. During a song, hug her. It’s a reason to get close. Make sure she smells your alpha smell that has been manifesting since the banger dropped. Cuddle hard and remember that girls love it when you say creepy things to them.
6. 6. She doesn’t just want to be friends.
No Alpha settles in the friend-zone. If she says that she only wants to be friends then you gotta move onto the next cunt. She’s not ready for an alpha like you. However, if you want to try and fist pump your way out of the friend-zone, then you better hope you’re alpha enough. Just play the friend card for awhile. Girls like aggressiveness. It’s an uphill battle but you can do it bro.
Alright bros, I’ve given you some tips on how to be successful at getting that sweet rave thang. Just don’t be Chester the Molester here. Don’t creep hard because no girl likes a desperate bro. If she don’t like you then just move on. You got this bro. Rave hard. BE. ALPHA. AS. F*CK!!!!
It was my 26th birthday about two weekends ago; my brain, body and, especially, liver felt the wrath of the catastrophe. Lil naughty Asian boy I was. Pretty sure I drank enough alcohol to kill a baby elephant. Probably, but I’m not a doctor (#sorryasianparents).
So after the mess Pineapple Express caused in the Bay Area, another shitshow (my birthday) also caused reckless damages in San Francisco. Luckily, I survived both storms and have learned some valuable things from the event. Well not from Pineapple Express, but from turning 26 (yeah I know I’m an old man).
I know that some of this will not apply to everyone. Not to boast about myself, but I do have a lot of friends. And some of my friends are assholes, but they are my assholes. They may be cruel at times, but they’re cruel with good intentions . . . to f*ck you up on your birthday.
You’re friends will try and kill you with alcohol.
The beginning of the night started off with a reluctant whiskey pre-game. Which then turned into a full fledged pre-game with about 15 people crammed into my room, all trying to shove alcohol in my face. Not to mention that once I got to the bar everyone was trying to buy me drinks. So for those who are new to the “of age” birthday game, DO NOT PRE-GAME FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY!!! The main point of a pregame is because you’re either a poor bastard or because you’re cheap and/or Asian like me. But when it’s your birthday, everyone will buy you shots and beers and any random poison: a privilege that is normally reserved for cute girls. I learned this lesson first hand on my 21st: my buddy bought me a 4 horsemen and I puked my brains out! THREE TIMES! They say friends care, but best friends want to see you burn!
You will get drunk, trust me.
Like I said, don’t pre-game. You’re going to get drunk if you go out to a bar where about 30 or more people are there to celebrate the day of your birth. So if you don’t want to get drunk then grow some balls and reject those free shots or just keep it casual and simple. I didn’t last to midnight.
Your house will get destroyed if you don’t manage to leave your house.
I unintentionally hosted a pre-game and post-party and a sloppy brunch. So if you don’t want your house in shambles and spend your actual birth day cleaning with your roommate pissed off at you, then I would recommend that you raise your voice like Hilary Duff and tell everyone to get the hell out! Drunk friends equals a wrecked house. It’s simple math.
People will show up and some people won’t, it’s life.
In my case, a lot of people showed up. So make sure the venue you chose can fit and accommodate everyone! The only problem with this is that because of the vast amount of people, I did not get a lot of quality time with everyone. So if you’re the kind of person who likes to have hearts to hearts with your friends, then don’t invite more than 15 people. While some people show and some don’t, you can’t be upset at them. Life is bigger (brace yourself) than your birthday. We’re all adults now so understand that as adults we all have things to do.
Nothing ever really goes as planned.
You can plan and plan, but nothing ever goes to script when you’re planning on gathering a group of drunk people. Also if you’re the birthday boy, nothing will ever go as planned if YOU’RE DRUNK. Simple, don’t plan stuff if you’re planning on being drunk. Never works out, trust me.
You will be disappointed. So it’s ok to get mad and break shit. It’s your birthday!
Sure we’re all adults and sure we all have our own logical reasoning. But we can’t help but feel angry and betrayed if a friend doesn’t show up or if you miss your birthday brunch because of your drunk-ass friends, or if your house is filled with drunk loveable idiots destroying shit. So get mad, get angry, break some bottles or push a friend over a bush. It’s your birthday, you do what you want!!!
No matter how old you are, there will be drama.
When you gather a group of 20 or more drunk people together, there will be drama. No matter how hard you try avoiding it, drama always follow drunk people. You can hope to not be involved and gather some popcorn to watch the drama occur around you. Or do the simple mature thing by cutting the drama out of your life. But if you have an uneventful life like mine, the drama adds a little spice.
Try to embrace the chaos.
Like I said, things don’t go as planned or you will get angry. CHAOS WILL HAPPEN! So try to embrace it and enjoy the ride. It’s much easier to enjoy the destruction while being under the influences of alcohol. So before the sun rises and your hangover kicks in, enjoy it. It’s your birthday, have some fun!
Learn from your mid-20s because you’re quickly about to hit your late 20’s.
Right before I hit 25, I was going on vacations, attending frat parties, going to music festivals and just living life. Then after graduation and my 26th birthday, I quickly learned that sometimes you’re toooooo old for shit. Sure I still like a good rager. But as I got older, my focus started shifting onto different things. I started, what’s that word? Maturing! Slowly tho. It’s just life, you can’t live in Neverland pho eva. Have fun now, make some mistakes and, oh, have some fun. Your late 20s will be the time of growth and maturity, so be prepared because life is a bitch.
I hate birthdays; too much pressure in my case from family and friends. I’m going to be honest, I always felt like birthdays are for other people. I do enjoy the times and making memories that I won’t remember, but birthday celebrations sometimes suck. Gotta enjoy your alone time. #FullEmo
With that all being said, I did enjoy my (not so mature) birthday, with its ups and downs. These are just the lessons I learned from this particular b-day. I love all my friends and their impact on my life. It’s sad to remissness on how some friends whom I’ve became close with came and went, but hey that’s life. You can’t dwell on past memories, just got to move on and cherish the time you have now.
26 is going to be an interesting year pho me. Those student loans are going to catch up and I’m getting more wedding invitations as the day passes. So here’s to life. Wish me luck on my 26th. I’m going to need it.
“I want to wander into your Narnia of sexual terror and emerge like a freshly birthed calf.”
Ridiculous statements like this that express feelings with the vocabulary of a douche-bag is what drives viewers to love the fictional character Schmidt on Fox’s sitcom “New Girl.” Although it’s safe to say that every character on the show is uniquely loveable, Schmidt (played by Max Greenfield) always finds a way to climb into our hearts and ache our sides.
If you haven’t been following “New Girl” then the YouTube clip posted above will give you a sample of Schmidt’s outrageously hilarious nature. And if you haven’t been following “New Girl” (it’s in its fourth season btw), then all I have to ask is what’s wrong with you?!?!?!
In my personal opinion, this has been one of the best sitcoms since “How I Met Your Mother.” This is my personal opinion that isn’t based on some kind of TV facts or percentage or pie chart of TV shows out there; I don’t have those numbers and I’m not that kind of Asian to find it . . .
But to prove a bit of my opinion, you can find some of the awards and nominations that “New Girl” has received at this Wikipedia page. The list includes an award for Most Exciting New Series in 2011 and numerous of nominations for Best Comedy Series. I guess if I was that kind of Asian then I guess I would have done some real work and got facts off a more reliable page. (Wikipedia put me through college, so we have a history together #sorryasianparents)
“New Girl” is a single-camera situational comedy that follows a set of roommates (1 girl and 3 boys) and their wacky adventures living in LA. A lot of their misadventures involves the common obstacles that we face in life (romance, roommate living situations, friendship, that one douche bag friend who says stupid things all the time, and of course sleeping with your friends), making the show hitting-too-close-to-home relatable if you’re in your mid 20’s to 30’s.
Of course there isn’t as many penises and cock-teases (mind the pun) of dragons like in HBO’s “Games of Thrones,” or as many mystery’s as ABC’s “Lost,” but “New Girl” still pulls its punches with its great writing to make you laugh till your guts hurts and nearly shat your pants.
But back to Schmidt.
He’s that one guy that will say off the wall assertions that will make you always remember him. Like that one friend who says the most stupidest, most ridiculous, borderline offensive things that you were too afraid to say but it’s hilarious, kinda friend. He lingers in your mind like George Costanza.
As the Schmidt sage continues, one cannot forget a trope that original fans will always remember, the “Douche Bag Jar.” BuzzFeed has kindly compiled 27 relateable Schmidt quotes here. Despite those being hilarious, douche-baggy statements like these cannot go unpunished, or else this would inspire a wave of yuppie, boat-shoe wearing, fake tan having, douche bags shooting their mouths off . . . possibly.
“You’re a lesbian and a gynecologist, which makes you, well . . . a vaginous.”
Great fusion of words there, Schmidt. But still, that’s a dollar into the douche bag jar – a check and balance of Schmidt unflattering side.
But why are words like douchey and yuppie automatically used to describe Schmidt? Why are people easily turned off by his lifestyle and witty wordplay? I believe it’s because people cannot handle him, for Schmidt is a man who speaks the truth: for he is a visionary of the modern-day man; he is the combination of fashion and musk. He says the thoughts that we all think but are too afraid to say with use of colorful imagery.
The shows light may shine on Nick Miller, but it’s Schmidt who takes the stage and lets us know his presence. Nick lets life takes him away with its current, Wilson is too goofy for his own good, but Schmidt takes action; he knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to let his needs be known!
Along with his San Francisco-Marina-like side, Schmidt does have a heart. This fitness obsessed, career driven, Jewish man was not always this douchey. Originally a fat kid, Schmidt does have a soft side. With his constant pursuit after Cece and his selfless acts for his friends, one can accept his outlandish comments and unpleasantries. Here are some loveable moments at BuzzFeed’s 40 Things That Will Make You Love Schmidt Even More.
Would this show continue if Max Greenfield didn’t portray the animated and loveable man with a deviant smile that’s up to no good trickster named Schmidt? I think not. This witty Jewish man can turn any random coupling of words into a semi-offensive-witty-hilarious-break-you-from-concentration quote, which will probably turn into a meme with the help of the internet! Well, I’m sure the goofiness of the other characters will still drive the show, but none will be as memorably bold and loose-lipped as Schmidt.
PS, my buddy Juno often compares me to Schmidt since I grew up largely overweight and don’t have a filter for a mouth (so I tend to say stupid things). Probably why I wrote this tribute.
STAY TUNE FOR MORE ASIAN AMERICAN COMMENTARIES AFTER!!!
****** Note: This conversation was ripped from my Facebook so the links will open on the same page. Click up there ^^^ if you want to see the Tickld link open on another page. Links after this conversation will open on another page. Happy Juno? ******
Creative Writing: Because Job Security is for Pussies
Yea, I guess it’s true that I have not been able to find a job after college. And yes, there is no job security for creative writing majors.
If anyone believed in this fact to the t, it’s my parents. Oh boy, the look on their faces when I told them that I wanted to be an English, or Engurish: it’s my crappy understanding of the English language, major was priceless . . . Oh wait, I didn’t have the balls to tell them face to face; I took the cowards way out (like how most bros in high school took the I’ll-just-break-up-with-you-over-Myspace route) and did it over the phone . . . after being in college for 3 years. I seriously could sense their disappointed chakra over my shitty flip-phone. (And I probably still have a flip-phone because I was an Engurish major.)
But seriously though, how do you tell your ASIAN parents that you wanna become a “writer” instead of a doctor, or lawyer, or pediatrician, or whatever practical real (real in a sense that my parents value as a “real” major) major. Being the first son of an immigrant Asian family to go to a 4 year university and failing at their first step (choosing the right major) is not an easy task to preform. Hell, till this day my parents are still trying to get me to do something else in life other than writing . . . AND I’VE ALREADY GRADUATED!
Seriously though, that tiger mom (a relentless mean Asian mom who’s always trying to get you to study and whose once cock blocked the shit out of you with the girl of your dreams before by pulling a Moses when he smashed the golden ox . . . this is actually a true story) is effin’ relentless when it comes to changing your education. Check out this tiger mom meme blog.
This video cracks me up every-time #cockblockingasianparents
And anyone who has or have an Asian immigrant father knows not to mess with him . . . or else you see that fly swatter that he bought from Chinatown earlier used on you. #weasiansknowallaboutthatflyswatter
I mean I guess I could have had chosen a real Asian-esk major and bite the bullet to become a fucking scientist or a nurse (but that wouldn’t really work since I’m not Filipino) but I didn’t want to. I have my American dream, I choose my path and rebelled against my Asian ways. Truth be told, I think I was only one of the few, and I really do mean few, Asian kids in the creative writing program at SFSU. I had to make the Yellow Brothas proud and represent our people in the creative writing department.
In this article, its states that Asian Americans who are pressured by their parents are more susceptible to depression and suicide . . . I don’t want any of that. I don’t wanna be another Asian American who grows up hating their career choice because it’s one made by their parents. Shit, do you know how many (Other)-Americans hate their life now because they hate their fuggen job. It’s a never ending cycle of regret. I’ll rather be a teacher than become a nurse and hate my life. Well, I mean at least this way I can enrich the young minds of our future . . . while meeting single moms along the way. I maybe Asian and a hipster, but I’m still kinda of a bro and I do have bro dreams.
Also me a doctor? I don’t know how that’s gonna work. As some of my friends who knows me, how can anyone see this man taking care of or being in charge of someone else’s life. This man who once tried beer-bonging two beers with two 151 shots in it (successfully and regretfully), this man who has raged 5 sleepless nights in Vegas for EDC . . . THREE TIMES, this man who still live in a frat house and is broke as shit (still I think this is because this is because of my choice to become an Engurish major); I just don’t think that’s a good idea for anyone.
Shit, before I joined my fraternity, bless Pi Kappa Phi, I told my parents that I was joining a teaching club for people who were interested in teaching. I did learn how to be a rightful Christian man, but there are somethings that I learned and did that I would never want my future wife n’ children to know. And of course, I hope my Asian parents never find out what their first born did. Or else I would be force to live a life in the temple without distractions . . . especially women.
I’m a proud Asian American who have American cultural value and was raised with the ways of the Asian. Yes the ways of the Asian is a secret martial arts form. Its my birth right to decide what I want to do with my life and it’s my choice to defy the Asian American Model-Minority stereotypes. Hell, if they wanted to force me into doing what they wanted me to do then they should have had me in Asian, or at least Chinatown. This way no sense of Western ideals of freedom would have crept into my soul.
Being an English Creative Writing graduate may not have been the best choice for making cash, nor may it have been the best choice for gaining a higher bragging right for my parents to brag about within their gossiping Asian American community back at home, but it’s my choice as an American born citizen. I may not have job security, but my god, am I going to have fun drinking my way till I do make it as a writer.
-I hope you have a good one, Sype
-PS, mom and dad, if you end up reading this, I gotta say #sorryasianparents.
-PSS, but still respect your parents, because if it wasn’t for them you would probably be born in Asia somewhere making jeans for Wal-Mart instead of being in college where you can drink your asses off and try n’ fug white girls (or boi’s, whatever your into and if you’re a girl).
It’s the last week of the semester, so you know what that means: IT’S FINALS WEEK!!!!
For some reason I, like many other college students, decided that it was a smart idea to save all of our work for the last week of the semester. Well I, like the other college kids who fallowed in this master game plan, may have overestimated my cramming ability.
I think this “33 Stages of Finals Week” article from BuzzFeed (a humor website) speaks for my emotions right now:
Numbers 1-4 really hits close to home. Well, actually, all of 1 through 33 hits close to home.
So, now its come to this. CRAMMING!
Even though I’ve told myself numerous of times in the past that I will no longer continue this trend of Red-Bull-and-coffee-with-espresso-upon-espresso-shots-drinking-college-students-of-America, I continue to find myself in this situation.
Here is a humorous video from a video-blogger Jimmy Tarto, from his YouTube channel “Life According to Jimmy,” that’s a hilarious, YET surprisingly realistic, skit onto college finals week.
Well, I think it’s time that I get off WordPress and back to my finals/essays.
Pray for me that I can survive and pass college so that I will no longer have to stress through this routine of finals week.
P.S., here is another funny YouTube video on the pains, pleasures, grief, and relief of the terrifying beast of FINALS WEEK!!!