Don’t embarrass yourself by asking a vegan these questions…

Posted on November 27, 2013 Updated on November 28, 2013

The holiday season is probably one of the most obnoxious times of year for vegans; and not because of the limited food selection at holiday parties, but because of the obnoxious questions people ask vegans. 

Disclaimer: I’m not against those who show a genuine interest in the vegan lifestyle because they themselves desire or are in the process of transitioning into veganism. By all means- spread the knowledge- more power to ya. 

My complaint is about those who word-vomit out obnoxious questions because they A.) have nothing better to ask or more interesting to say. or B.) find veganism to be a joke, and ask dumb questions, seeking a humorous or defensive response.

Here is a list of recommended things to NOT ask a vegan/vegetarian (to save yourself from looking stupid in front of everyone at the next holiday gathering)

1. Why did you choose to become vegan?

–It’s pretty fucking obvious bro. It either has to do with respect towards animal rights, or just being health conscientiousness. Duh.

2. How long have you been vegan? 

–Does it really fucking matter? It could be 2 days, it could be 20 years. Does the amount of time I’ve committed to this lifestyle affect how you perceive me as a person? Does it determine how seriously you take everything else I have to say? I’d fucking hope not.

3. So where do you get your protein?

–Acknowledge the year 2013, brohammer. Not only does every major grocery on this island have an extensive selection of vegan, protein-packed, meat alternatives; but if you’d fucking pick up a nutrition book- you’d realize all of the protein alternatives that exist naturally in the environment. By way of beans, legumes, and vegetables. Break out of this meat-revolving world you live in. Wake up and smell the quinoa, son.

4. So, do you think you’ll be able to stay vegan forever?

— I don’t know; do you think you’ll wake up tomorrow with a pulse and with air in your lungs? Lets fucking hope so.

5. But don’t you ever miss meat!?
–Do you ever wish you inner most important morals and ethics would cease to exist so you can carry out the most inhumane and unethical desires of the subconscious? Not really bro. I believe what I believe for a reason. It’s not just for kicks and giggles.

6. So if you were to have children, would you breast feed them? Because breast milk is milk, right?

–You nimrod – do you understand that humans are the ONLY species that exist on EARTH that drink the milk of a DIFFERENT species?? That’s not fucking normal. We humans are going against nature trying to steal the milk of another species. Growing infants borne of mammals are expected to consume the milk of their mothers to gain the necessary nutrients for growth and survival through life’s early stages. Nowhere else in nature do you see mammals drinking other mammals milk (unless in very, very extreme circumstances like abandoned baby mammals in the wild that are adopted into other species, but again- that is VERY rare).

7. I’ve been wanting to lose some weight, perhaps I should just go vegan.

–Veganism is not a fad diet trend, nor a quick way to lose weight by any means. Take your ass to the fucking gym and hop on a treadmill. The best way to lose weight is through a simple math equation: calories out> calories in. Which means- burn more calories than you consume- and you will start losing weight. People who go vegan for the wrong reasons are the ones who usually end up to be the most sick, nutrient-deprived, and borderline obese ‘vegans’ that I meet. They don’t know what the hell they’re doing with their diets or bodies, and get frustrated when they find out that veganism isn’t some miracle fad diet that makes you shed 20 lbs in 3 days.

8. So what you do eat anyways? Lettuce?

–Here we go again mother fucker. Read a fucking recipe book. It’s not your fault you’re so narrow-minded, I shouldn’t hold it against you that you’re so sheltered. The typical western-American diet revolves around meat and some type of carb. So basically, meat and potatoes. Or meat and rice. Open your mind and taste palate to the entire world that exists outside of your binary framework. I actually cook and eat some of the most interesting and diverse foods. Now that I’m vegan, I constantly read, research, and test out new foods, recipes and styles of cooking- and it’s fun! Every day in the kitchen is like a new experiment. And not a day goes by that I don’t consume some type of leafy greens.

9. What about your dog? Dogs are meant to eat meat…

–Dogs are only meant to eat meat as much as you believe they are. The truth is, for as long as dogs have been humans’ pets, they have eaten the scraps of whatever we eat. Which can include meats, but also an enormous amount of vegetables, nuts and other lentils. My dog enjoys a fully vegan diet, rich with nutrients, and he’s never been happier, healthier, and had a more shiny coat. For a pure-bred pitbull, I have no doubt that he’ll live to be in his mid-late teens. (He’s 9 years old currently).

10. Will you be bothered if I eat meat in front of you? I feel guilty.

–I don’t believe in shoving my opinions down other peoples’ throats. Eat whatever you want, it’s your body- not mine. If you come to me for help or advice, I’ll gladly give it. But don’t feel like you can’t be who you are in front of me. I wont judge you for what you eat, so don’t judge me either.

-KokoKai